2 years later it's still not getting easier

[missmyfriend]

IMO, if your wife is sincerely wanting you to be there, I would. If it is simply to be there for your kids, I would be there. And I agree about letting go but letting go doesn't mean its over. It means that you love someone enough to let them do what they feel they need to do.

A huge concern for anyone, including me, is to be considered a door mat. While I would watch my wife's dog, I won't buy her a dog. While I would help her, if asked, to move a sofa or hang a picture, I won't buy her a sofa. I am not worrying about the consequences of her actions because that is not up to me. I will choose to show her unconditional love because I promised that I would love her in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad (and isn't separation and divorce the epitome of bad?) but there are times when I can be getting in the way of what has to happen in order for her to progress through MLC or whatever she is going through.

I no longer believe in "tough love". I tried that (and I don't think that is what Michele espouses) and it smacked me right in the face. Instead, I considered how I would treat someone if they were going through an addiction or a mental illness. It isn't up to me to tell her she has an addiction or a mental illness but I can choose whether I can lovingly be there for her in small ways where I am not trying to manipulate the situation. Honestly, most of us, me included, have a nature of wanting others to feel the pain we are in. It is an opposite reaction for me to assist someone who has hurt me when asked.

My wife rarely asks me to help her. She is very proud. When she does, I consider reasons to help her and reasons why I shouldn't help her. I don't help her financially because, while I am not poor, I have my own financial burdens. And she hasn't asked for financial assistance.

Something my mom always tells me when I am feeling rather negative about something my wife has done or said is "do not focus on the circumstances because you have no idea what is really happening". She is right. I don't know what is happening.

We have all been told that this can be a very long term process while our spouses are making this weird odyssey. If we react to each positive and negative circumstance, it will drive us crazy.

A lot of people may disagree with me, but my recommendation is to love your wife. I'm not saying to say it (definitely do not unless your relationship with her is okay with that) but demonstrate it with acts of genuine expressions of love without expectation of anything in return. In my situation, it is limited to picking up the kids for her when she is feeling sick or very tired.

My point is, if you want to go to the halloween party, I would go. If she wants you there and you start saying no, she may quit asking. Depending upon her personality, if she feels you have moved on, she may decide she is interfering and won't ask anymore. She may build up walls between the two of you.

It is encouraging that people think you two are still together because the amount of time you spend together. If those questions don't bother your wife, then that is a good thing.