What can I say to fix it that isn't just mean and spiteful?
None of the above is mean or spiteful.. It's just the facts of how you and any spouse deserve to be treated.
If they can't treat you nicely, then they don't get to be near you.
If you put a child with someone who is mean to that child, you tell the child to "stop playing with them" right?
So, he has to play nice, or you are taking your ball and going home...
And right now if he's not going to a FT to own his marriage its time to take your ball and go home.
You aren't being mean to take your ball and go home if he is being hurtful or isn't cooperating... So, don't argue, don't yell, don't fight.. Just state that if he can't treat you with the respect a wife deserves then you are exiting.. and do so...
Don't even give him a chance to fix it this first time... He will try to talk you into turning around and staying.. just keep walking...
If you had a daughter in high school and that daughter was cheated on by a guy she was dating... would you tell her to accept his calls after that?
What if he tells your daughter he "wants to be friends"... what would you tell his daughter to do? Accept his calls and keep up the chit chat?
I can't imagine you would advocate that nonsense.. You would tell her to block his calls. You would tell your daughter to love herself enough to not allow that kind of exploitation.
It's one thing to betray someone and run out on them, its an even grosser offense to work someone over to keep the door open for even MORE exploitation...
This doesn't mean the marriage is over, it just means you deserve to be treated with respect...
You won't get a guy to return to you who doesn't respect you...
He has already said to me 'since I can't be his friend he will be around as little as possible until I am ready' which, knowing him, he will do. I will not be seeing him except at the child exchanges.
He doesn't bring stuff like this up. Ever. So it is unlikely I will have an opportunity to say any of it. Oddly enough I JUST ended a friendship because she started dating a married man (and would tell me about it) and I found it disrespectful. So I have cut off friends for things like this.
I just have an issue with it feeling like a 'you won't love me? Well I'm not going to be your friend so there!' which is not what i want to get across. I don't always know how to express things once the initial comment has been made. I'm not a good debater. I have a hard time answering the questions he asks in a way that doesn't sound vengeful.
If he doesn't bring it up at all, what do I do? Do I just continue to let him think it's because I'm hurt? Because it is, at least right now it is. It's to protect myself. But I do have the reasons you've in there too. Or do I bring it up (which I thought was a huge nono anyway?)
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
You don't need to wait for him to bring something up...
You need to stop reacting to what he's offering and start acting on what you want... respect should be first priority here...
And if he can't find the maturity to muster that up... then don't talk to him.
This has nothing to do with him loving you... Its him disrespecting you... Would you have an issue with his leaving if he was fully honest about his wherabouts with you, went to family therapy for a year, and gave 100%?
I can't imagine you would have issue with him leaving if he did it in a respectful manner... There IS a right way to end a marriage and a wrong way.
you aren't insisting that he stay married, you are insisting that he earn his way out of the marriage through the front door, honestly... instead of lying to you and sneaking out the back hurling insults every step of the way...
You can bring up the fact that he's been very hutful and disrespectful and that you deserve much better than that... and then end the convo... don't wait for a reply.. you aren't saying it for you, that's for you... you are saying it to take back your dignity...
Every time he takes a shot at you or the marriage it's a personal attack.. so you just speak up and tell him No, I deserve better, and that's it...
You don't wait for him to offer it, you don't ask for it, you just state who YOU ARE and then exit and wait...
Forcing him to discuss the marriage isn't a good idea, but you CAN insist that he show you respect and control his impulses.. that's nothing more than we ask of any adult or even a child...
Also he maintains there is no affair, so there is no reason not to be friends. He left because he was unhappy, he didn't tell me he was unhappy for the two years he was, and when he did finally tell me it was too late. But despite that he has never seen why people can't be friends with ex's. He never has. He understands the 'too hurt to be 'friends'' but not anything else. And I have a hard time verbalizing it. It still sounds to me that it's a 'you don't love me so I can't be your friend' which would be in his mind petty (he has told me this before) But I don't know how to explain that it's not.
He has checked out of our marriage. He doesn't feel he HAS to treat me as a wife because he no longer considers me his wife. He isn't (currently) treating me any different than he would another friend.
He has told me I expect MORE out a friendship, that I expect to be put above all his other friends, because I still think of us as us, rather than us as friends. And I do. He is treating me like just a casual friend. Anything negative is brought on by me. He doesn't initiate R talks at all, ever. The worst he gets is when he talks about me dating others and him dating others. But that's something he would talk about that with friends. I can't handle it because of our history. I am placed very firmly in the 'only friends' category. There has been no wavering. He will not ask me to come back or reconsider. The very most he will do is try to talk casually when we are around each other. He will let me go. I can almost promise you that.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
This is damned good advice. And this is exactly why I have such good friends. When I am betrayed by a "friend," that person is immediately jettisoned from my life.
Well, after my own DDay I guess (I don't want to be your friend) we didn't talk at all. I removed him from FB. I need this distance for myself, and i need to stop any and all possibilities of me checking up on his life. Im not strong enough to resist temptation, so temptation removed. This morning I get the 'I know you probably don't want to hear this, but good morning'
It was so very hard not to reply. But I did not. I got another text a few hours later about money, and replied an hour later (I honestly hadn't expected a text so didn't even check until then). Tonight I have class and lab so I will not be seeing him except for the kid exchange. I'm sure he will leave when I get home. I know he is mad I have decided to do it this way, but I don't think I have a choice anymore. The pain isn't getting better it's getting worse. Maybe we can be friends in the future, but I doubt it. A part of me will always love him too much for that, I think.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
Your husband sounds exactly like mine. He wants what he wants, but he wants to be friends too. I'm sure they're in their own fog for wanting this and not realizing the total hell they're putting us through.
I too, am dropping the rope, it's just to painful to be wishing for something that is never going to happen.
H:50 W:49 Together since 1981 Married 10/13/1984 S: 20 S: 17 Bomb Drop: 20/11/09 Separated: 01/08/10
