Long story short: together 6 years, married almost 4, three kids (2 are his step). ILYB dropped august 8th, with no back and forth or regrets or doubts since that day. Affair likely, but not confirmed, but at this point nothing I can do about it. I'm not big on the exposure, at least not for me, and the few people I have exposed to (his mom) chose to believe him, anyway, despite evidence I have, because other than catching them in bed he will deny everything I can come up with. He now lives elsewhere, and we are separated but not legally.
Ok, so, I have a question about letting them go:
WH is gone, with an unconfirmed affair (I believe it to be happening, he denies, I have no other proof and have decided to let it go at this point because, honestly, I will likely never know the full truth).
He is still of the 'i do not want to be with you in a relationship' mindset. But he wants to be 'friends'. By friends, he wants to hang out comfortably for an hour here and there when we exchange kids, talk once or twice a day about little things, and hang out occasionally.
Part of my problem is I was receiving what I perceive as mixed messages, but in general I know he doesn't always understand how what he says and how he says things confuse me, so I try to remember he's not giving me mixed messages, it's my want to see doubt and hope that makes them mixed (for example, he has told me he still feels a connection with me, above the natural connection of having a child together, he says he cannot 100% guarantee we can't be more than friends in the future, and some other little things here and there)
So here is my dilemma. Can I let him go and still be 'friends'? He still says I am his best friend, and would do anything for me (except save our marriage, of course). He is used to people leaving him. He does something that makes someone mad and they walk. And he let's them. Past friends, girlfriends, even his mother cut him off for 5 years (for a really stupid reason, but he gets his stubbornness from her) and he let's them go. It's his coping mechanism. He is, for sure, a runner. He runs and avoids problems until he can't take it, and then you get the ILYB bomb. He is still running from minor issues now, telling both me and himself 'it will get better when (insert some future thing that he truly believes will help)'. He is completely nonconfrontational by nature, and if I do ever rant or get mad he listens but doesn't engage. Never has.
In order to let him go, mentally, I think I can do that and maintain a not really friends but friends approach. But, I'm not there yet and wonder if I'm sabotaging any hope I may have.
I know that when you DB you do go for an attempt at reconnection through friendship, but most of the time that comes after a period that the WAS misses the LBS. This also applies to couples who fight all the time, and are attempting to stop that. We don't fight. We never really have. I'm not trying to escape arguments or fights or uncomfortableness (though he IS trying to escape that last one). So... What do I do? I don't even know how to do the 'stop what doesn't work and try something new' because i can't tell if this is working in any real capacity. This next week will be the very first time we will hang out without kids since the bomb. He sees it as a way to be friends. I want to see it as a way to reconnect. For a lot of couples here this would be seen as a positive step, as working, as something they want, but because i know he's going into it as 'this is what friends do' its not a clear cut 'this is working' sign.
So I'm so very lost on what to do. If he wants to divorce me, i will no longer try to stop him (we have decided to wait until after the first of the year for tax/school purposes). But I don't want to think I'm still doing everything wrong and regret it later.
Help?
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
File for divorce talk him into using your lawyer tell him that's the way friends divorce. After you get him to sign a lopsided divorce settlement tell him that you can no longer be friends Friends do not treat friends like that Sounds kind of like cake eating
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
My STBXW said she still wanted to be friends too. Said she likes hanging out and talking with me. Has fun when we go out, etc. I told her that I am not going to be her friend and I mean it. I am going to find someone who does love me to send my time with and they will get my attention. Someone even went so far as to say that my new W will be helping me to raise YOUR kids and spending holidays with them.
How do those things feel. I understand that you are afraid he really will run, given his history, so I can't tell you what to do, but I know that if we are divorced, I will not want to be her friend. How will that help ME?
You have to decide this for yourself and yo are right, maybe this would equate to working on the relationship. How long are you willing to do this? Forever? If you do this, you won't have time for anyone else. If he never comes around, you will have lost much time.
You have to decide how much you want this and how long you are willing to put up with this kind of BS.
I hear you saying you want to get back together but are willing to move forward peacefully if you divorce. And if you divorce you still want to hold the door open.
1. Your best advice will come from a DB Coach. I have seen a lot of Laurie's advice.
2. The swing back and forth may not come not from his ambivalence, but from 'baby' steps that aren't built on. When you get baby steps, you need to continue what was working without pushing too hard.
How to tell when something is working....when you get the positives...the things you want...it's working. You don't wait for the whole ball of wax. YOu build on the small things like you did when you were falling in love.
Set your goals. (see DR/KLA). Experiment. Monitor behaviors (not words). Adjust according.
I believe you can/will do this. Hang in there. Do something different.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I told him today I wasn't ready to be his friend. It made him mad. He didn't argue with me but I can tell, with general knowledge of him and I guess some mind reading. I realized I'm not emotionally ready because I'm still in love with him, and he has told me repeatedly he's not in love with me. I know that one of his complaints in our marriage was he felt his feelings didn't matter to me. So I know that he is likely seeing this as another time where his feelings don't matter. But I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm fine for a few days then I fall backwards, every time. I just need some time to grieve, I think. I'm not discounting being friends in the future, but I'm not ready. His feelings DO matter and I know that friends is what he wanted, which is why I had such a hard time letting go. But if we are meant to be, we will be. If not, the sooner I move on the better I will be, and the more capable of being his friend I will be. I may have just lost him forever. But nothing I was doing or hearing said I hadn't already. I'm just afraid of the regrets that I'm almost positive I will face (like maybe if we had been friends we could have built on that).
But he is 100% not in love with me right now. And that kills me. There is no doubt. There is no regrets on his side. He is following what he feels. I guess it's my turn.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
I did too. He has told me repeatedly. He has given no indication otherwise. His actions back it up. I don't doubt it anymore.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
Did you skip the part where it says to stop taking to heart all the negative stuff they say? Did you forget that you are supposed to ignore that?
You are letting him run roughshod over you when he spews out negatives and you just gobble them up like poisoned candy...
Not ready to be his friend?
I would tel him if he's going to walk out on four years of marriage without batting an eye over it or even speaking to a family therapist then you don't want to be friends with someone like that. I would tell you want to be friends with people who respect commitment.
I would tell him why be friends? Clearly he's not reliable so why maintain a friendship with someone you cant' rely on...
You are just letting him walk all over you here... speak up for yourself...
I did. I know I haven't been able to let the negatives go, which is why I decided that as much as it hurts I can't be his friend right now. I didn't think I had to be hurtful when I told him that. Should I have been? It's not like I haven't told him how much it hurts and that I'm angry he wouldn't even try before. I didn't see why I should do it again. Maybe my words of 'not ready to be your friend' was wrong but it's said now. What can I say to fix it that isn't just mean and spiteful?
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
When he tries to intereact with you at all just tell him this :
a. I don't see the merit in being friends with someone who has betrayed you... This is the antithesis of friendship b. Please keep your negative comments to yourself, they're abusive c. Friends and spouses commit stronger when things are strained, they don't run away - I don't want to be friends with someone who runs out on their wife d. If the husband of a friend of mine ran out on her I wouldn't maintain contact with him either e. Until you can treat me with respect and our marriage with dignity instead of abuse I really don't want to hear from you at all
And you walk away
He may not like hearing you say it, but he will respect you for standing up for yourself... And you will feel stronger for loving yourself enough to protect yourself too
Never mind what you've said already.. Give yourself a clean slate and start speaking up
Nothing above is designed to hurt, you are simply setting a boundary and telling him you won't be around him if he continues the road he's on now
a. Abusive talk - He gets no contact with you b. Negative commentary - He loses contact with you c. Wanting to be "friends" with someone he's abandoning - need I say more?
Think about it... would you stay friends with anyone who betrayed you like this?
Of course not...
Once a friend betrays you, you cut them off for your own protection.. but here he is he betrays you but wants to keep USING you even MORE
Cut him off until he starts acting like a friend
Sorry, but he isn't acting like a friend so don't allow him to BE your friend
And tell him so.. Not meanly, just matter of factly... And do NOT get into an argument or debate when you say it to him...
You state your boundary and if anything other than an apology and a commitment to treat you with respect comes out of his mouth WALK AWAY
If he doesn't end the behavior on the spot and commit to being civil then end the conversation... Don't even tell him you are ending the convo.. just spin around and walk away
