My family and friends. They are all M and in healthy, strong relationships. Obviously, my parent don't have kids at home anymore, so I kinda lean on them. All of my friends have kids and their own lives so I don't want to bring them down. There are a couple of them I reach out to from time to time. I honestly do not have one divorced close family member or one divorced friend.
My family and friends. They are all M and in healthy, strong relationships. Obviously, my parent don't have kids at home anymore, so I kinda lean on them. All of my friends have kids and their own lives so I don't want to bring them down. There are a couple of them I reach out to from time to time. I honestly do not have one divorced close family member or one divorced friend.
Exact same as me.
Yesterday was our anniversary, I didn't expect a call/text/ etc, and I sure didn't get one. I would guess the "Divorce Posse" probably kept her busy.
I went to the Penn State game.
You seem like you have a chance, stay cool, clear and keep up what you are doing.
You can do this.
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
So, I decide to call W tonight just to talk and see how her and D3 are doing and how trick or treating is going. I talk to D3 for a little and then talk w/ W. She seemed agitated so I asked her why she seems so angry. She said b/c she always feels she has to defend herself. I told her she doesn't have to defend herself and that this is just her choice - tried to alleviate any bad feeling for her. But I'm thinking to myself - 'defend yourself? What/who are you defending yourself from? Trying to justify your decision - to me, to others? Feeling guilty b/c everyone but you sees that I'm actually the nice guy, caring for you and D3, paying the bills, good father, and devoted husband? That I'm wanting to save family and you keep pushing away - trying to find/create reasons why you left?' Found out some of her own family members (divorce posse) even aren't understanding why she left. So, I ended the conversation just by saying "Ok, well y'all have fun. Kiss and hug D3 for me."
Don't get me wrong - I love my family and want reconciliation more than anything - but at the same time, I am getting some satisfaction that others are questioning her decision and she obviously has some guilt. Is that wrong? Of course, I get the blame for her feeling guilty - she feels guilty b/c I'm being so nice. Yet, if I'm mean or angry with her it justifies her. So, if I'm nice, I get blamed - if I'm mean, I'll get blamed. Yea, I think I'll just continue to do the right things and if she feels guilty, thats something she needs to deal with.
So, I decide to call W tonight just to talk and see how her and D3 are doing
Call D3, YES. Call W, NO.
Originally Posted By: KEM
She seemed agitated so I asked her why she seems so angry.
How'd this turn out for you?
Originally Posted By: KEM
She said b/c she always feels she has to defend herself. I told her she doesn't have to defend herself and that this is just her choice - tried to alleviate any bad feeling for her.
She is responsible for her feelings not you. Don't try to alleviate/fix them. Don't tell her what she does or doesn't have to do ("defend herself") -- controlling and in and of itself will put her on defensive, especially since you are disagreeing with her view of the situation. Better is to validate her feelings straight out -- I'm sorry you feel you have to defend yourself (or I'm sorry you feel that way). PERIOD. (And if there is anything you did to put her on defense, own it, and say you are absolutely right, I see why you feel you have to defend yourself. If NOT, then leave it as I'm sorry you feel you have to defend yourself.).
You might be right that she does in fact feel guilt and on defensive from her perceptions of how other people are viewing sitch. While you may see the views of those people are justified, she does not and that is what is giving rise to her feelings which are very real and which are influencing her decisions about you and are the sitch. It is self-defeating to try to reason against them. You either don't address them (e.g., nodding) or you validate her feelings.
Hang in there, KEM!
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
She seemed agitated so I asked her why she seems so angry.
B/C you used Halloween as your excuse to call her but she knows it's not the Trick or Treat you are interested in. She was angry b/c she doesn't want to hear from you. You are pursuing her. Don't you get that?
Then you go deeper by questioning her feelings. You knew by the sound of her voice that she did not want to talk to you, so why on earth did you keep digging a deeper grave?
Until you actually put no contact in action and stop pursing her, you will continually help her bust this M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Found out there is probably OM!! Want to confront W about it, but don't know if I should. Found out he spent Halloween with W and D3. Not sure if W is involved with him or not but I definitely belive so. I want to find out for sure 'cause if so I will stop trying to save my M. And for her to bring him around D3!!! How disrepectful to me and D3.
