Here is the first installment of happy-again's old posts. I archived them in pdf format and since they disappeared from the archives I am reposting them. I can't figure out how to directly copy and paste the old formatting into the new blog. If anyone can tell me how to do that I will try. As is, I have to clean up the pasted text so it is legible so this will take awhile. I have other commitments today but here is the first thread and I will get back to pasting more when I can. --GAG
Re: Let the truth be known MikeinMidland 01/18/06 12:11 PM
That's OK, Cat. The important thing is that a flame-out isn't the first and only response. Some guys would take that as a challenge like I did, but others would just walk. I thought some of the stuff you said. And I can see now that I treated my wife a lot like your H treated you, but I wouldn't have admitted it in my first post.
We were young when we got married and had kids early. I knew it was a mistake, yes I loved her but wasn't ready for marriage. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her so I decided to stop doing it. I feel I was sold a bill of goods, she changed after the kids came and put them first. The sex was boring, and she gained like 30 pounds which made her ugly. She blamed the weight on the antidepressants, I think she was just too lazy to excercise. She was always interfering in everything I did. Wanting to read all of the cell phone bills and ask about the calls to my friend, so what, she didn't care about me. So now I have my own life, my own space, I see my kids and I give her money that is all I need to do for her. For all of our married life she didn't need me or love me or want me and all of a sudden she can't live without
She just wants to control me again and take over. Well I am finally out of her grasp, we are friendly to each other and polite. There is no hope for this marriage because if I let my guard down she will start again, as it took me years to get the courage to leave I can't go back now. Now she can go and get a job and help to support the family as I can't support her forever. My kids will be OK, I have told them that we love them and I am willing to do anything for them. I am sure they will eventually see the truth that their mother pushed me out of the marriage with her control and anger issues. If only she would have listened years ago it would have worked out for us, now she has made everyones life bad because she refused to change.
Now you're getting somewhere. It would help if you gave your ages, time married, kids, etc. Just for perspective. Example: Me 43, wife 46, married 16+. Son 15, S12, S5. I was older, and it was my 2nd marriage, but I was still blindsided by the Mommy gene. It took me a long time to figure out that their job is biologically determined, and you're not going to change that. I wanted kids, but I didn't count on being placed dead last for years and then only considered if there was a threat to the income. I for sure thought sometimes that my wife only wanted my sperm and my paycheck. But I got the vasectomy 10 years ago, and she knows I'll support them forever. So why does she still care?
_________________________ T2SP 01/18/06 12:47 PM
YOU HIT A BUTTON WITH ME.......... After reading your last post I thought you were my H posting this. I saw flashbacks of my life while reading this. I know you aren't for one, he doesn't have a computer and also you said she could get out and work but I already work. I was hit hard by this post.
Quote: We were young when we got married and had kids early
T2SP: My H and I were married young too. He never got a chance to see what it was like on his own. Now he is going through some sort of MLC and I am hoping he finds his way home.
Quote: she changed after the kids came and put them first.
T2SP: Like your wife, I also put the kids first. I know I shouldn't have but it just happened.
Quote: and she gained like 30 pounds which made her ugly
T2SP: I gained weight with the preganancy of my first child and it took many years to get it off. I felt fat and ugly but didn't do anything about it. Right before my H left I lost 40 pounds. I know his leaving had nothing to do with my weight.
Quote: Wanting to read all of the cell phone bills and ask about the calls to my friend
T2SP: I checked cell phone bills and asked him about the calls. I would hound him about them. I was accusing him of doing things he wasn't doing.
Quote: I see my kids and I give her money that is all I need to do for her.
T2SP: My H pays the mortgage and gives me money if I need it. He does see the kids.
Quote: Well I am finally out of her grasp, we are friendly to each other and polite. There is no hope for this marriage because if I let my guard down she will start again, as it took me years to get the courage to leave I can't go back now.
T2SP: My H has told me the same thing. He is afraid if he comes home things will go back to the way they were. Right now we get along and don't argue.
Quote: it took me years to get the courage to leave I can't go back now.
T2SP: My H said the same thing. Okay, now that you have described me to a T I want to say something to you. You may have been young when you got married and had kids but you did it and you need to own up to your responsibilities. When you got married you had to have loved your wife and I am sure you still do somewhere in that cold heart of yours. You need to chisle the ice away and start over. Let her know you want to work on the marriage but that things will have to change. Let her read the DR book and see what she thinks. Since I am the one who was left, I read it and it helped me alot. I can now see how controlling I was. I was a total -itch. I look back and wonder how in the world my H lasted with me as long as he did. Sometimes I couldn't even stand myself. Everyone changes. I have learned to love myself again. I have learned to forgive myself for being the way I was. I have let go of my H to an extent and let him see that I have changed. He has his space and freedom now, but he doesn't have the hapiness. I can see it in his eyes. I hurt him so much that it is going to take a long time to show him that I am the person he wants to be with. Let your wife know you don't want to be with the controlling person. It will take time, don't just give up right now. You need to work on things. Maybe if you stay gone for a bit and let her see the mistakes she has made then things will work out. You need to give her a chance. I refused to change before because I didn't think my H would ever leave me. She might have felt the same way. Believe me, if she loves you and really wants you back she will do whatever it takes to get you back. You have to give in a little bit too. It is a 2 way street. You need to help her with the change. Maybe you two just need some time apart. Don't give up altogether though. Think of the kids. You might think they are ok but I am sure they really aren't. They try to stay neutral and don't want to say anything to hurt either one of you. Give it a couple days and rethink your outlook and attitude. Coming from me as someone who is/was in your wife's shoes. People change. I saw the monster I had become and have changed. All I ask in return is for my H to give me another chance. _________________________ T2SP (Trying2StayPositive) M: 41 STBXH: 38 Married 6/17/89 Separated since 2/20/2005 2 kids (15 & 17 yr old girls) Divorce is in progess.
Forgot to say THANKS to you. Your post opened my eyes wider than they have been in a long time. I now know I must step up more to work on my own situation. I am going to become the person my H fell in love with years ago. I am going to be that fun loving person again. He isn't going to know what hit him. He will fall in love with me all over again. Thanks for the wake up call finally_free.
The last few years have been miserable so I moved out a year ago. She cried and begged and wrote letters saying she was sorry. She even called my friend and interfered with that relationship. She even tried to seduce me, wanted to ML to me, and I turned her down flat. I just don't want to be controlled anymore I am sick of cowering to her. She took care of everything and I let her which was my mistake, but she wouldn't ever let go of the steering wheel when it was time to hand it over. Sometimes I get so frustrated and even when I know she hasn't done anything wrong I want to prove that she is still the same manipulative B****h she has always been so I push her buttons on purpose. I think she is catching on so she doesn't always react anymore, more manipulation to get me upset even more. She will not let go of me, and I have told her it is over, but she lives in this false hope that maybe I will change my mind.She thinks God will change my heart. Why should I stay if I can't stand her?I am gone now and have my freedom and at least I get to make my own choices now without her approval. I do love her but I will not let my guard down ever again to her. I told her that she will find someone else and will get over me. I will never again tell her I love her or she will think she has some hope. Wouldn't you know it, now she has lost the weight, and looks great, but she wouldn't do it for me when I asked her to. Besides if she cared why doesn't she ever call me why do I have to be the one to make all of the calls? She used to call non stop, now I never hear from her unless it is about the kids. It is probably better that way because I don't want her to get any ideas in her head that I want to talk to her. She tries to be so nice, but I can see through that ploy too, eventually she will crack and I am not falling for it. I am just waiting for her to do something underhanded like getting my pay attached or something or harassing me at my job. People just don't change like that, she is only trying to suck me back into her world again. I am a much better person now, I have respect and people like me for myself, and I can come and go as I want to. She would only take that away from me again. Besides if I went back to her if I took a chance she would think she was right and that would make me weak again, and I will not be that man again.
Ok, first thing that comes to my mind when I read your posts is this: Is your W a member here? I get the impression that maybe your W posts here and you are trying to get a message across? If not, then may I ask what is it you are expecting to get from this board? Some of us here are trying to get our WAS's back, some are back together and trying to repair our marriages, and some are trying to support each other through and after divorce. You seem pretty strong in your opinion that you are "finally free" and DO NOT want to get your W or your marriage back. I guess I am just asking for your expectations of us, if any at all.
Maybe some of you left behind spouses don't get it. There is a reason we left you, do you ever look at yourselves and your own actions or just have continual pity parties about how badly you were treated. Stop acting like you didn't see this coming. I never committed adultery, I didn't steal or lie or use drugs or become an alcoholic or beat my wife. I went to work every day, I spent time with my children, I handed over my paycheck. All I wanted was to be heard and loved and noticed and to stop being treated like a stranger in my own house. I guess my expectations are this, why should I not feel like the victim? Why does everyone feel sorry for her and the kids?
_________________________ cat03 01/18/06 02:27 PM
jeez, if I didnt' know better I'd swear you are my H, I can't believe the similarites. -My H always wanted me to loose weight, I never had time nor he helped enough for me to take a break, your W lost weight because of the pain she is in now, I lost 13lbs in 2 weeks out of pure sadness. -I took care of all details because I had time at work to make calls and research stuff, I thought I was lifting a weight off him, not being controlling. She prob doesn't call you because most of us here know that those who walk away dont' want to feel caged or pursued, it's prob killing her not to call you, she is giving you space not ignoring you. I, and for all I know your W, dont' believe God will change your mind and make you come back, He gave us free will and can't make us do stuff, she's prob just praying you open your heart to forgiveness. Yes, people change just like that, I gain nothing by telling you this but I will never ever be that bossy uptight person I was, I saw how ugly that made me, I cringe when I remember the way I used to talk down to my H, as if he were a child. I too married young and had kids, you have to remember that marriage alone can be stressful, you both had it tough, dont' put 100% of the blame on her. The fact that she is being nice doesn't mean she is being manipulative, she is trying to correct her attitude, one doesn't hurt this much not to learn anything. Going back wouldn't make you a weak man, it would make you a strong good father and man who loves his family and who won't go let his family go down the drain without a fight. You are too scared to fail, too selfish to see you are damaging your children. You think they are ok? Wrong, you will scar them for life, they aren't OK, never will be. I was a child of divorce, I felt alone, I had food and a home, but those things didnt' filled the void I felt. I always thought my heart was like one of those homes touched by a hurracane, seems alright outside, but always thought my heart was like one of those homes touched by a hurracane, seems alright outside, but when you look up, the whole ceiling is missing. If you haven't read any other posts you must see that we do see how we were and how we failed. No, some of us didn't see this coming because our spouses shuted us from their lives way before they left. My H also felt not needed nor wanted. I thought I was showing my love by being a good mother and keeping the house and cooking good meals (I work FT btw). This was not the way he wanted to be loved, he could care less about he home or if we ate hotdogs all week. He wanted time and more sex, something I thought we could wait on until the kids got older and then we'd have more time for each other. I always loved and wanted my H, but he never felt it because I didn't fulfill the needs he had in mind. No one said you aren't hurting, I know my H is too hurt and that's why he isnt' ready to come back now and I am not asking him to come back until he feels ready to do so. If you left was because you were hurting, I'm not disputing that. I'm disputing the fact that you label your wife as manipulative, when every efford she does to gain your trust is misread by you and makes you even more distrustful of her. People change, you've changed haven't you? you say you feel better now, you've gain confidence. She's given 18 years of her life to you and your family, how can you blame her if she is doing all she can to keep her family together? When all is said and done the only thing that matter in this life is your family, don't loose them just because you are scared and think you'll loose face by coming back. _________________________ theresa475 01/18/06 02:31 PM
did you love her like she needed to be loved??? My thing with my H is he never treated me right and so why would I want to reciprocate the feelings of love if there was none??? You handed over your paycheck and that is great but were you there emotionally as well???? My H left me with no job, to small children 4 and 1 and another on the way. If he was so unhappy then he should have said something along time ago. I am sorry to say I did not see this coming and yes I do feel like a victim right now. My H has no responsibilities besides giving me money.....
