I told him today I wasn't ready to be his friend. It made him mad. He didn't argue with me but I can tell, with general knowledge of him and I guess some mind reading. I realized I'm not emotionally ready because I'm still in love with him, and he has told me repeatedly he's not in love with me. I know that one of his complaints in our marriage was he felt his feelings didn't matter to me. So I know that he is likely seeing this as another time where his feelings don't matter. But I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm fine for a few days then I fall backwards, every time. I just need some time to grieve, I think. I'm not discounting being friends in the future, but I'm not ready. His feelings DO matter and I know that friends is what he wanted, which is why I had such a hard time letting go. But if we are meant to be, we will be. If not, the sooner I move on the better I will be, and the more capable of being his friend I will be. I may have just lost him forever. But nothing I was doing or hearing said I hadn't already. I'm just afraid of the regrets that I'm almost positive I will face (like maybe if we had been friends we could have built on that).
But he is 100% not in love with me right now. And that kills me. There is no doubt. There is no regrets on his side. He is following what he feels. I guess it's my turn.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
