CW, I do know my H's childhood history and stuff. Don't know what his triggers are but suspect that one of them is the age of our son. So at times I do wonder if he is in an affair fog or an MLC fog. Either way, he's not here.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
I have my own unfinished business from my past...I am pretty sure it has been a factor in my R with H...really...who doesn't have something?
Originally Posted By: newmama
CW I think a lot of us wonder if there is something wrong with us for not being able to "handle an R." But who was the one who couldn't handle it, really...you know? Our spouses.
But it is normal,I have heard, to wonder what is wrong with US. Normal doesn't mean it's right, though.
CW, I agree ... who doesn't have something? IMO, the gift or the silver lining in our sitchs is the opportunity we have to get real with ourselves and take the time to really dig deep and process any of the baggage that we carried into our marriages. A lot of us had been in these relationships since our late teens or early twenties and coasted on autopilot never truly learning adult and mutual communication and relationship skills. The levels of codependance, poor boundaries, lack of skills ... are all things we can change.
Newmama, I'm not saying we are to blame for our sitchs, but we are certainly partially responsible for the dynamic which existed in our marriages. No one is perfect, so although our S's ran, we are not without faults. In the early days we take on far too much responsibility for what led to the bomb. Agreed. But if we hope to avoid similar sitchs in the future, with our H's or with a new partner, we must examine the patterns and interactions which got us here in the first place.
This journey has been enlightning and life saving for me. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
"I've felt the fire and I've been burned, But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned." ~ Pink, Crystal Ball
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Agreed. I think it's harder to figure out what OUR triggers and unproductive behavioral patterns are. It's MUCH easier to see what someone else is doing/did (i.e. WAS).
David Schnarch says that M is a people growing machine that helps us to figure those things out. Many of us are processing that information from our Ms, but In the absence of having a partner to "bump against" and learn those things from right now, these boards are a great place for introspection and to figure out how we need to change.
Like many here, your analogy of the cancer/chemo vs MLC/divorce touched me...and I know that you will survive the "dose" of divorce if it comes to that.
So sorry to hear about your brother, I feel for him
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Talked with my brother this morning...he confronted his wife...she is denying...I think he is done though...said he is calling an L today...I feel terrible for them all but honestly, I don't know how he has lived like roomates all these years! I am always uncomfortable when I go to their house! They don't communicate at all!
I took care of some of my own business today...called and made an appt with my L to work on a counter-settlement agreement and registered for the required parenting class.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Word of advice. You love your bro, but don't take it on your plate, Your plate is full enough. That is what I was doing with my D's marital problems. They are grown and have to make their own mistakes. I'm really sorry about your Brother, but try not to, how do I say this, let it become your problem.
Punkin...I promise to just support my brother from the sidelines!
Just got a phone call from H's cousin. H's uncle passed away. H and I went to this cousins wedding when S15 was just a few weeks old. He and H were close growing up but we haven't seen him since then...he lives in another state. I believe that this uncle was the one remaining sibling to H's Dad...anyway, I told him I was very sorry to hear that and said that H and I were separated but I was sure he would like to talk to him and gave him his cell phone #.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Good work CW. You were honest and open, paid your respects, and gave cousin the number to call H himself. You are not his secretary, to put it coldly. You also gave the family the head's up they might not have had previously.
