Personally, I'm not divorcing my W, she is divorcing me. I'm not standing in her way and I'm not trying to do anything other than focus on my happiness.
I think this is key Faith. Letting them go. Not fighting them. Giving them what they want doesn't mean you have to agree with their decisions.
You stand for your M and your vows by not seeking a divorce.
Let them do the work for their choices.
I also think that this "letting go" takes time for the LBS they have to process the anger and blow to their self esteem caused by the tragedy in the M.
It is easy to let go with anger. That is what creates the walking wounded.
The Queens and Kings of Bitterville.
Lettting go with love is the end game and that takes time. The LBS will cycle through the stages of anger, denial, bargaining etc.
TIME.
This is my biggest concern for the LBS I see here is processing all of this and getting to a healthy place to LET GO WITH LOVE.
Also set boundaries to protect yourself in the process.
Originally Posted By: Faith
when should I not feel guilty about pursuing someone that is interested in me? The new me?
I can only say that this is a personal choice I think.
For me? My W hasn't asked me for a divorce. She hasn't pursued a divorce.
So MY choice is I am still M and I am not interested in seeking any other relationships because I am committed to this one.
Beyond that all I can say is that the healing and the learning from this process has been one of the most amazing things I have ever learned in life.
I don't think I would have had the awareness to really commit to learning and growing MYSELF if I were engaged in another relationship.
I would have IMO probably sought validation for the OLD ME and those things and/or decisions that went along with behaviors that were part of the dysfunction of my old M.
So it really comes to when are YOU, the new and improved YOU ready to share yourself and be responsible in a new relationship.
I think that takes time. People learn at different rates. When you reach a point of self realization and awareness of who you are (sorry this sounds so esoteric) then THAT is only the beginning...
That is when you feel peace within yourself and make decisions based on the truth.
It takes a while for this to become your skin.
And the challenges you are faced with people (including your spouse) will test you and fortify your awareness of your core. The YOU.
THAT is what I will call self ACTUALIZATION. When you live your life from this place.
How long is long enough?
I can only say that you will know. That truth lies within you not based on some external circumstance like a divorce decree.
Not based on the action or inaction of someone else. That is when YOU are free to make the right choice for YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Faith – IMO, your beginning to feel a little better about yourself which a good thing. You self confidence is coming back AND probably because SOMEONE is making YOU feel good about yourself. I have been there.
I am not going to tell YOU what to do, you’re a big boy and honestly, no matter what I say your gonna do what you want to do. So instead of telling you what to do I will tell you MY story.
After the bomb, I felt like crap. I had no self confidence – none – period. The woman that I loved was fu*king someone else. I cannot speak for women but as a MAN – knowing that your wife is with another is probably one of the hardest things to deal with IF you really love her.
So, I question everything about myself. Who am I? Why did this happen to me? I beat the chit out of myself. Begged, pleaded…you know the chit you do when you’re a newb’s.
Then I started to look inside. You know that place you get to when you begin to really UNDERSTAND YOUR role in the break up of a M. Those days….when you realize the sh!t that YOU did. For me it was the realization that I was drinking too much, working to much, partying to much, spending too much, hanging out a bit too much after work, not listening to WHAT our my W was saying, maybe being a little selfish in the bedroom, and some other irresponsible behaviors. In short, I came to the realization that I was not the greatest husband – let alone man.
When that realization came, I felt like chit. I realized just how much damage was caused during the M. I realized that for two to three years pre bomb I was in my own crisis. So I hurt. I inflected pain on myself. I tortured myself. I was a whiny victim. I lived in that pity party world….for a while. IMO, this is that place where for some reason you think that if you beat yourself up enough they will come back. It is a dark place my friend, I believe that you know what I am talking about. I also realize that although my actions played a role in the breakup of the M – it did not cause her crisis. Probably did not help but her crisis was cause by may other issues, most notably…she (as I) never really had a sense of self. If we did, we both lost it somewhere.
Then…
I began the process of ripping out those thing about me that I hated. I begin to rip the fu*king masks off and just be me..at the same time as trying to define the new me. I begin to heal. I began to change those things about myself that I had finally realized and ACCEPTED that needed to change. I had lost some weight. I started working out, ‘cause everyone tells you to. In my case I dropped so much weight that I could now see my………..”toes” <insert smile and wink>. I was changing. I was working really hard. I was starting to feel comfortable again. Then someone notices….and someone else notices…I started to hear “boy you are different”, “wow you have changed”, etc.
I was feeling better. I was looking good (small six pack abs, the pale I am gonna die look went away, etc.) I stopped the excessive drinking; I became a responsible father and MAN. Chit I was feeling and looking good – FTR, I still do but that is another conversation. Although I was feeling and looking good my confidence was still shot. I had spent months begin told that the devil was a saint compared to me. I was told the whole M was chit. I was told that I never loved her. All the spew you could imagine. Some true, some not true. So I still felt like I was unable to love. I felt like no one would want me. I felt like who wants a 40 year old dude with 3 kids. The changes that I was working at, the true acceptance of self had yet to take true hold (as Grit said…it was skin that was not 100% stuck to me just yet)…that’s when it happens….AND for me – it HAPPENED.
What happened you might ask? I met someone. An amazing women – absolutely amazing. She understood me, she validated me, made me fell like a man again. We talked…sometime for hours….we felt connected.
It felt so good.
That’s when you begin to question what you are doing. Why are you putting up with this chit? Hey, aren’t we doormats..you think.. Isn’t it time for me to live my life? I need to move on to.
Most of these thoughts came from the fact that I “thought and felt” like I was done. It was only later that I realized I was not done.
When the realization came that I was really not done. I ended it. BOTH of us ended up getting hurt. BOTH.
Maybe I get banned for this post. Who knows? I know this – I am man, just a regular dude. I was wrong and I can admit it. I post this to you Faith ‘cause honestly…I have been where your at.
This is your life my friend, yours to live.
You open the door to temptation, it is a hard door to close.
Know this…I will never JUDGE you. Never.
Throw the M, the mediation, throw it all out the window…including the loneliness, the pain, everything..throw it out. What will the new Faith DO.
Don’t post it….live it!
Faith your M may not be saved. I too am in the middle to the divorce process as a matter of fact as I sit here and write this out I just received a text from my W saying that she is not going to pay the car payment. What a bit!h she is right now…I still love her. AND….nothing she does
Nothing….
Changes WHO I AM.
So Faith….can you look into the fu*king mirror and say YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?
IF so, then really you don’t need my advice on what to do…
You’ll do what YOU want to do.
Good luck..and remember
I’m here for ya
AND I'm not a vet...just a Puerto Rican who lives in CT...
I am just a regular dude.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
It's called Outward Validation and I'm not going to lie, it feels great.
It's not like I haven't had attention from women, but when one comes along that makes you feel something way different that's where it kind of threw the wrench into the gears. I begin to think what if I'm missing out.
However, the simple fact that it could hurt her in the end, that's not good. I already know it would be one hell of a predicament if all of sudden my W came back into the light and here I AM having to make a choice.
I do not NEED a woman/romance in my life to make me happy. I will WANT one if it's the right one in the right circumstances. This post was really sprung from a comment in Coach's post about setting them free, where he brought up holding onto the vows.
I question the setting them free part, because if I really let them go...Why not date? My personal question has been answered and the questioning directed at the "Experienced" ones has been satisfied as well. I truly believe we are all on the same path and are sending the same messages. It was a healthy question for debate IMO and I hope I see more people chime in, but I'm sticking with my original choice. (PEI, Sorry Babe it's over - ROFL )
I don't think I would have had the awareness to really commit to learning and growing MYSELF if I were engaged in another relationship.
I don't think I could either. I wouldn't of known this 2 months ago. You say "Would have" as in past tense, is it safe to say you could now?
It's a very mixed feeling I have, but I'm sticking with what works for me. Just hope I can keep temptation at arms length. It's not sex that's driving the temptation. It's the connection.
This is completely a new facet of my sitch and whatever the hell I'm doing it's being seen by others.
My reluctance was not based on anything you have said or done. It was based on simply, the fact that I just posted that I have had an affair. That is the only reluctance that I have.
I cannot stress just how difficult these sitch's are. When I say that both of us ended up getting hurt, it really is an understatement.
At the end of the day, I have to live with the fact that I hurt someone who was madly in love with me.
Yes we are both adults. BUT until you are really ready to give everything you have to someone....well then your not done. Just my opinion.
You'll do fine my friend, you have your head screwed on straight.
Just know that right now, you will attract a lot of attention. The door of a new R is yours to open or close. Just realize that when you leave it open that someone will walk in AND then Faith...
You will need to decide...
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
That connection you speak of...I know it well. Very well..
Think of the following...
When all is said and done...can u look in the mirror and say that YOU gave it all you had?
Is the connection because you are vulnerable?
Is the connection enough for YOU to say your done RIGHT now?
The connection...if real my friend, will never die.
Does that connection define YOU?
I suspect not.
Your a good guy buddy and chicks are gonna flock to you...
What will you do when they do?
What if someone else comes along?
Be true to YOU Faith.
I have a funny feeling I know what your feeling and thinking...
Just know -I've been there.
Sooooo. My last comment is...
Finish what you started. Remember your goals. The goals for you. Those goals CAN change BUT never should because os someone else.
Just my 2 cents.
And hey I had an interaction with W today...still got your shovel? LOL.
It's Saturday - get your as+ out and GAL will ya.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You say "Would have" as in past tense, is it safe to say you could now?
You should read my old thread "Wife has PTSD and MLC" there is a link to it in my new thread around like p. 10
I went through these feelings...
Am I now in a healthier place? Yes.
For me the process of standing has been really the catalyst for my growth
You end up questioning EVERYTHING.
Because you do want to have a connection some day with someone whether it is your W or not.
What is driving your decision to want to date? Figure that out. And look at it. Does it serve you and the man you want to be? Are you beholden to a fear inside of you.
This process takes faith. Faith in the process and faith in yourself which IMO grows everyday you commit to yourself to do it.
It does take time.
The hard questions is what pushes you to new understanding and healing.
It will reveal things to you that you did not know were there.
You learn answers to question you did not know to ask.
Really it is all up to you. What is your goal.
And when are you done?
You will know when it is time IMO.
It is all you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
What is driving your decision to want to date? Figure that out. And look at it. Does it serve you and the man you want to be? Are you beholden to a fear inside of you.
I haven't made the decision to date. It's just that someone comes along that is beautiful, intelligent, and that I actually have a connection with. That made me question why not date.
Also to be honest it feels pretty damn good. I mean to be at a place of self respect(still work in progress) and having a sense of self worth feels good; but to get the attention from the likes of what I'm getting attention from. It kinda twists the whole thinking.
Several people are aware and have given me some of the best damn advice possible. That advice will be followed. Why? Well when I first came on these boards I made a mistake of not following some of that advice and I pretty much went backwards down a slip n slide. Now I'm listening. I'm dissecting that advice, and I'm following through on my decision making skills. If there is doubt if it works, it will not happen.
I am Human, but I'm aware. My knowledge is there. To actively date is not in the best interests of myself at this time. Not to mention the collateral damage that could result.
)