Faith – IMO, your beginning to feel a little better about yourself which a good thing. You self confidence is coming back AND probably because SOMEONE is making YOU feel good about yourself. I have been there.
I am not going to tell YOU what to do, you’re a big boy and honestly, no matter what I say your gonna do what you want to do. So instead of telling you what to do I will tell you MY story.
After the bomb, I felt like crap. I had no self confidence – none – period. The woman that I loved was fu*king someone else. I cannot speak for women but as a MAN – knowing that your wife is with another is probably one of the hardest things to deal with IF you really love her.
So, I question everything about myself. Who am I? Why did this happen to me? I beat the chit out of myself. Begged, pleaded…you know the chit you do when you’re a newb’s.
Then I started to look inside. You know that place you get to when you begin to really UNDERSTAND YOUR role in the break up of a M. Those days….when you realize the sh!t that YOU did. For me it was the realization that I was drinking too much, working to much, partying to much, spending too much, hanging out a bit too much after work, not listening to WHAT our my W was saying, maybe being a little selfish in the bedroom, and some other irresponsible behaviors. In short, I came to the realization that I was not the greatest husband – let alone man.
When that realization came, I felt like chit. I realized just how much damage was caused during the M. I realized that for two to three years pre bomb I was in my own crisis. So I hurt. I inflected pain on myself. I tortured myself. I was a whiny victim. I lived in that pity party world….for a while. IMO, this is that place where for some reason you think that if you beat yourself up enough they will come back. It is a dark place my friend, I believe that you know what I am talking about. I also realize that although my actions played a role in the breakup of the M – it did not cause her crisis. Probably did not help but her crisis was cause by may other issues, most notably…she (as I) never really had a sense of self. If we did, we both lost it somewhere.
Then…
I began the process of ripping out those thing about me that I hated. I begin to rip the fu*king masks off and just be me..at the same time as trying to define the new me. I begin to heal. I began to change those things about myself that I had finally realized and ACCEPTED that needed to change. I had lost some weight. I started working out, ‘cause everyone tells you to. In my case I dropped so much weight that I could now see my………..”toes” <insert smile and wink>. I was changing. I was working really hard. I was starting to feel comfortable again. Then someone notices….and someone else notices…I started to hear “boy you are different”, “wow you have changed”, etc.
I was feeling better. I was looking good (small six pack abs, the pale I am gonna die look went away, etc.) I stopped the excessive drinking; I became a responsible father and MAN. Chit I was feeling and looking good – FTR, I still do but that is another conversation. Although I was feeling and looking good my confidence was still shot. I had spent months begin told that the devil was a saint compared to me. I was told the whole M was chit. I was told that I never loved her. All the spew you could imagine. Some true, some not true. So I still felt like I was unable to love. I felt like no one would want me. I felt like who wants a 40 year old dude with 3 kids. The changes that I was working at, the true acceptance of self had yet to take true hold (as Grit said…it was skin that was not 100% stuck to me just yet)…that’s when it happens….AND for me – it HAPPENED.
What happened you might ask? I met someone. An amazing women – absolutely amazing. She understood me, she validated me, made me fell like a man again. We talked…sometime for hours….we felt connected.
It felt so good.
That’s when you begin to question what you are doing. Why are you putting up with this chit? Hey, aren’t we doormats..you think.. Isn’t it time for me to live my life? I need to move on to.
Most of these thoughts came from the fact that I “thought and felt” like I was done. It was only later that I realized I was not done.
When the realization came that I was really not done. I ended it. BOTH of us ended up getting hurt. BOTH.
Maybe I get banned for this post. Who knows? I know this – I am man, just a regular dude. I was wrong and I can admit it. I post this to you Faith ‘cause honestly…I have been where your at.
This is your life my friend, yours to live.
You open the door to temptation, it is a hard door to close.
Know this…I will never JUDGE you. Never.
Throw the M, the mediation, throw it all out the window…including the loneliness, the pain, everything..throw it out. What will the new Faith DO.
Don’t post it….live it!
Faith your M may not be saved. I too am in the middle to the divorce process as a matter of fact as I sit here and write this out I just received a text from my W saying that she is not going to pay the car payment. What a bit!h she is right now…I still love her. AND….nothing she does
Nothing….
Changes WHO I AM.
So Faith….can you look into the fu*king mirror and say YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?
IF so, then really you don’t need my advice on what to do…
You’ll do what YOU want to do.
Good luck..and remember
I’m here for ya
AND I'm not a vet...just a Puerto Rican who lives in CT...
I am just a regular dude.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
