A man in full

[ericmsant2]

Grit,

My friend, my bro, this is a very tough decision that you are facing and honestly ONLY YOU have the answer.

I want you to put aside the fact that your W has not asked for a D
I want you to put aside how YOUR W “feels”
I want you to put aside the financial implications for one second
I want you to put everything aside for just a second

I want you to be brutally honestly with yourself (not that you normally are not).

AND I want you to ask YOURSELF the one question….that you are asking….

Do YOU still want to be married to your W?

I did not ask you if you love her – we both know that you do and always will. I did not ask you if you want another shot with her we both know that YOU decide that. I did not ask you if financially this make sense. I asked you a straight forward question. Do you still want to be married to her?

Grit, you came here to save YOUR M and we both know that in the process YOU saved yourself. You my friend, my bro ARE a better MAN.

What does the BETTER man DO?

What does the new GRIT do and want?

Put aside, what everyone tells you – fuc* dude, even me.

Put aside, IF reconciliation is possible, cause honestly dude – you can reconcile AFTER a D.

Put aside the financial risk

Here is where the rubber meets the road my friend, here is where YOU get to decide YOUR next move. You know that YOU can change your mind.

How much is the extra income worth to YOU? How much is SHE?

I am not ONE to preach to anyone about commitment – and I know YOU know what I mean by this….BUT

Is the income worth it?

And FTR, trust me I get the concern…I do…

Back to my point….

Do YOU still want to be married to your W?

Only YOU know the answer to this.

Having said the above, here is what I did…maybe this helps. Each of us is different but maybe this can help in some way.

I found out about OM#2 and freaked the f out…

Then I went to speak to a L to find out some info and honestly, try and cover my ass and make sure that I could afford to eat. My L advice – “you are leaving yourself exposed”.

I decided I was going to file and instructed L to do so….THEN…..I cried…and posted…and realized….

I then told my L to stop the process – that I wanted to remain with my W and that I would not be the one to pull the plug – as YOU know, my W filed.

Here is what I decided and why….

I will stick this out and as best I can NOT let the financial piece drive my choices.

Child Support is a set formula – so really filing made no sense

Alimony – Here is the scary part….yes she can be entitled to a substantial portion of my income and honestly dude, some days I still worry about

BUT

I will survive

I will leave it up to a judge and/or the L to work it out

I will trust that the process will work in BOTH of our advantages

I owed it to HER and MYSELF to ride it out, while living my life (for those who may say I am being a doormat)

AND what helped me get to this point…..

In her core, she has never been one to “take me” for everything she could….could that change?

Yep

Except

It does not change the fact that I still want to be married to her

My final thoughts…..

From a practical standpoint….

How much can she really take from you…pride aside, worry aside, really how much..

Is that worth a different approach…..

Has she gone bat chit wild and run up debt, while you are still M? I suspect not…

Why would she do it in the future?

OR….does Grit feel a little stronger now that his financial profile is changing?

I think you already know WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT TO DO….

TRUST YOURSELF BRO…..

You got this!

Love ya man!

Eric

[crushednstuck]

Her individual debt, joint credit cards, equity lines of credit on the house - they're all increasing as she funds her new lifestyle. It gnaws at me that it will all have to be dealt with if/when there's a reconciliation. Not to mention the fact that this limbo is preventing us from refinancing at awesome rates. The question is 'what priority does it hold for me now?'

Financial devastation was assumed when I entered the DB process. And L advised the same; shut it all down, file on the basis of infidelity and humiliate her. I could do it easily and I would be right. And I would win everything - except what I wanted.
Yet I don't know where I am. I'm clearly not done. And she's not interested in pulling the trigger yet - I think. It simply makes the process more expensive. But how do I tell my kids that I filed and severed ties because standing up for my family was too expensive?
Besides, half of a lot is still better than all of nothing.

[crushednstuck]

BTW, congratulations on your impending success.

[Truegritter]

Yes, and they're called postnuptial agreements

Yes they have them. My L suggested this as an alternative.

I was like WTF?

it is the only way to do a legal separation in our state.

[Truegritter]

And I would win everything - except what I wanted.

This is the key ^^^^^.

That is the real question in any decision.

Does it get you to your goal.

But how do I tell my kids that I filed and severed ties because standing up for my family was too expensive?

Man that is a good one!

"I will love you for rich or poor

BUT

If it cost me too much money,

I won't."

Good point Crushed.

Thanks.

[MHL]

I could do it easily and I would be right. And I would win everything - except what I wanted.

Wow, CNS....real good stuff here ^^^^^^.

But how do I tell my kids that I filed and severed ties because standing up for my family was too expensive?
Besides, half of a lot is still better than all of nothing.

and here ^^^^^^^^^

Yet I don't know where I am. I'm clearly not done. And she's not interested in pulling the trigger yet - I think.

Guess what???? she doesn't know where the hell she is at either.


Hey Grit,
Its GAME DAY!!!! Think you could whip up some of those ribs and drive em up here again???

[ericmsant2]

Happy Halloween Bro.

I mailed you a purple tutu so that we can go out trick or treating together as twins. LMAO

Eric

[crushednstuck]

OK Bro, where you at? You can't be afraid of Vandy. I know my 0-4 Big 12 Buffs laid a beat down on GA and UF just got by them in OT, but that's no reason to go dark.

It doesn't matter that UF blew out this year's Heisman winner in Cam Newton at LSU in favor of Brantley. Console yo'self that (Train) Rex Grossman is more fit to run the 2 minute offense in DC than McNabb. Go Gaytor Alumni!

Yes, I'm chippy and probly a bit pissed ( = drunk for those who don't sabe). Ran into my Aussie friend who reminded me of my past glory. How do I do this gracefully? Do I impose my will and go out on a stretcher or do I fade away? My son expects a superhero afterall. Are these my options?
This is totally self-indulgent but if anyone can forgive, its the DBers.
I'm cheering for you from here. Or 'Cheers!' ing for you.
Stay strong.

[Truegritter]

I had very good weekend with friends

BUT

My BF's wife who has always been supportive of me gave me a good "talking to" as I would call it.

The usual-"You deserve to be happy"

She also shared with me that W told some of my other friends (girls) that I abused her.

Also offered to trade Xanex for other drugs to another friend of my BMF.

Conclusion from my BMF's wife. She is really screwed up and I need to move on.

It made me think of all the other stuff I suspected but never confirmed and how much lying actually went on during my whole relationship with her.

I know the lying and the behavior has to do with her being abused as a child and being a "victim"

She would say things to me about exH to that affect too. That he abused her. And I would say physical? And she would stop short of saying that.

I know my friends all know me better than to believe it and so I guess that's why it never got mentioned to me. BMF's wife didn't want to tell me becuase she thought it would hurt me and decided not to bash W because i asked her not to.

So she finally told me this stuff.

I am sure OM got an earful about me too.

I cycled through the whole anger of this in about a day.

I am calm now and back to my center.

I am just trying to figure out what I want going forward.

I want W to find her peace.

I want peace for me and I know I control that but I am questioning again whether that can be in a M with my W.

What I thought I knew as truth never was.

She has been lying to me from the beginning of our R I believe. I don't think it vindicative but it is to hide what she was doing to cope with her pain.

And she is very good at it.

I am not sure I trust myself to know the difference and I know I don't want that nagging in my gut that came from my suspicion pretty much through or whole R.

Her friendships I didn't know about.

Her disapearing in a bar, party, where ever for unexplained amounts of time.

All of this crap came back to me as I cycled through this "new" information.

Am I capable of dealing with this?

I know I am much stronger than I was.

I know that I am a different person.

I know I am capable of having a fulfulling life.

I am just questioning if that can happen with my W.

[AntoniaB]

For what it is worth, I am starting to feel like protecting yourself financially in the midst of all this chaos IS standing for your marriage. I think you can do both. It puts you in a stronger position in the event that the WAS decides to put out serious effort to reconcile somewhere down the road. One of you has to have the financial house in order (at least one of you) as best as you can because adding monetary problems to an already fragile relationship just adds more stress.

I don't think it's that you're not capable of dealing with this, as you as above. You said you went through hearing things and then anger and such and got yourself back to your "center" very rapidly. So you're capable. I think it's more a question of this is what you WANT to handle anymore.