You have a very insightful son Cat. He couldn't be more right, and if you can take his words to heart, you'll do just fine. In the early days, it never feels like things will get better, but they do. Maybe alot different, but still better than what we go through at the start of this journey.
Take care of yourself, believe in yourself. Protect yourself as Snodderly mentioned if you are financially tied together. As much as we focus on the emotional aspect of this, it is painfully necessary to also watch our backs on the financial aspect. I know this is a downer to think about, but consider it, you must. You need to remember that you are the only one that can protect you...you cannot depend on your H. He's in a different place right now, and his concerns center around himself first and foremost.
Enjoy your night out! Put aside all that's been going on, and enjoy the show.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I came back on this morning because I wanted to see if you saw what I wrote to you.
Don't worry about finances. He moved out on March 20 and he has been paying my mortgage and has helped with other bills when necessary.
Someday said to me in a post and I can't remember who that the signs will be there about him coming out of his MLC. I think he is starting.
Since May, after he disclosed his affair to me, he started making all kinds of excuses to see me / come over. Remember, I was following Michelle's advice with the LRT.
Then July 1st came and he said he wanted to reconcile. He was here all the time doing chores. He could have gotten all that stuff done in one shot but he didn't. Plus I was becoming quite handy myself.
Anyway, I believe he is showing some signs of getting out of his fog.
As he said to me the other night once I apologized, " I still love you, why do you think I keep coming back." I laughed and said the same to him.
You know, over our entire time together, we always joked how we love each other so much yet we can't get along at times. He always threatened me with divorce, moving out. That is why I am still not 100% sure he was having a MLC. Can he have a partial one ? A moment of temporary insanity?
The point he and I always made was this, we can love each and realize maybe we can't live together.
He said the other night how he would love nothing more for us to get along because we had so many great times together. " No one will ever understand me like you, enjoy all the same things as me as you did. " You see, his OW only wanted to stay home and drink and smoke. Yes, my H was drinking excessively but she was drinking more than him. She never wanted to do things whereas I love being outdoors and going to NYC or anywhere, climb mountains, go to the beach etc. She also was a horrible housekeeper. On July 1st he kept saying to me, " I never complimented you on being an excellent housekeeper and how organized you were with everything. I took you for granted."
From what you wrote to me, I realize I played my cards all wrong. I kept bringing up the R, the OW and all the hurts. BUT it was a painful time for me.
Something clicked in me this week with comments from all of you.
I don't feel sad for myself.
Just last night my sister said to me, " I feel badly for you and if you want to go out next Sunday or Monday for dinner, we can go."
Me - " What are you talking about ?" Her - " Your anniversary next Monday." Me - " OH!! To tell you the truth, I have been putting it out of my mind, I don't want to think about it. But if I change my mind, thanks for the offer."
See, I am starting to improve. Baby Steps.
Yes, my oldest son, is very insightful. I told him last Sunday. I miss him so much. He lives in England. He is a JAG lawyer for the USAF. I only get to see him a few times a year.
Trust me, I love his quote and try to be patient and remember it.
It is a beautiful day here in NJ,cooler than it has been but sunny and bright blue skies.
I am going out for a long walk then I am looking forward with being with friends, H is included in that friends.
that the signs will be there about him coming out of his MLC. I think he is starting.
Originally Posted By: Cat45
Anyway, I believe he is showing some signs of getting out of his fog.
This ^^^^^^^^ is taking too much time in your head.
While you are watching your H in the rear view mirror you are not looking at what is ahead of you.
Stop watching where he might be in this process. It is not an exact science, you will only see where he was in retrospect MAYBE.
If he comes through and you decide to still be around.
Focus on you and letting go of H.
Your journey.
Originally Posted By: Cat45
" I still love you, why do you think I keep coming back."
Why do I think he keeps coming back? Confusion. Guilt. Validation that you are still there and accept him.
Maybe to take a bight of cake and then go back to OW which validates him in some other way.
The truth is YOU or I don't know so don't try and figure it out.
What would your M look like if he came back today?
Would it be different than before? Are you any different?
Do you want a different M or the old one?
Originally Posted By: cat45
He said the other night how he would love nothing more for us to get along because we had so many great times together. " No one will ever understand me like you, enjoy all the same things as me as you did.
Why wouldn't he want this^^^^ it takes away the consequences of his choices.
It takes away his guilt by you doing this for him.
I am all for guilt. Not applied directly by the LBS.
BUT also don't relieve their guilt by allowing them to eat cake.
Allowing him to have a friend in you when he is engaged elsewhere
Only you can draw the line here. Think about what he is trying to get from you and how it causes YOU pain to let it happen or to give it.
YOU need to heal too. You need to find your self independent of H
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You mentioned that he has been paying your mortgage and helping with other bills, when necessary. Are you financially independent enough from him that you could manage these things on your own? If not, please heed the advice you have been given by more than one poster. Many LBS are afraid of'rocking the boat' by being proactive about securing financial stability, regardless of what phase the crisis may be in.
Your H is not home living with you. He runs if things get too much for him. He loves you, but at this time wants only to be 'friends', etc. etc. As mentioned before, in his confused world, he's lookingout for himself. You need to do the same.
To be blunt, his commitment level to his marriage and to other responsibilities are not to be tested with blind faith on your part.
I know that thinking about these things are the LAST thing you want to think about the man you still love so much. We've all felt the same way. But this is also where detachment comes in. You have to detach enough to protect yourself...financially, emotionally...but still leave the door open a crack to see if a relationship with him (his terms or yours) is what you want in the future.
Enjoy your night out tonight..put other thoughts aside. But please consider, starting very soon, where you are most vulnerable...and then be proactive. There is nothing wrong with discussing a financial agreement in terms of him not living at home, but still being tied financially together...where each of you are legally responsible for the others debts.
I know you'd rather think only about the emotional side of all of this...that'swhat seemsthe most important right now.But it's exactly that reason that you must force yourself to think outside of that box, you know what I mean?
I'm not trying to be a downer. I want you to be safe no matter what turns this journey has for you in the future.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
He helps me with the mortgage and with some other expenses that we did not anticipate when he moved out. Otherwise, I have my own car insurance and all the bills associated with the house are in my name and I pay for them.
Cadet, Thank you for the update. Cat fought long and hard for her marriage and it appears that it has paid off. I'm sure she's over the moon about both sons getting married. I do hope everything works out w/her husband moving back home. If you should speak to her again, please send my congratulations on to her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cat does not seem to post here anymore, but I thought I would update this thread as I know her personally, well we met here.
Both of her sons got married this summer and her husband and her have been living apart for quite a while.
Anyways she just told me that her husband is going to move home and her son and his new wife are going to move into the husbands apartment.
So she has been floating on cloud 9 mostly because the joy that having both of her sons get married. And I just heard this news last night.
And since we never hear too many success stories, well this is a possible one IMHO.
Cat if you ever come back here and read this I hope you dont mind me posting this!
I am excited for you!
One more update.
I just saw that they renewed their vows on mothers day. Not with a priest or anything but they have a new granddaughter that is helping out with lots of love.
So I guess you can call this a success story, however bomb drop was like 7 years ago, FWIW.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
