To Date or not to Date?

[FaithnAK]

There has been some GREAT posts the last couple of days.

I want to read a debate on the whole Setting Them Free vs Standing for your Vows.

Personally, I'm not divorcing my W, she is divorcing me. I'm not standing in her way and I'm not trying to do anything other than focus on my happiness.

Just in the last week I've realized how much I have changed and how my attitude is with others. It's brought intense attention to me, like to the point of where I want to live my life, but I'm not divorced yet. Now that I'm giving W what she wants with no pressure other than "If you want a divorce then you are doing the work", when should I not feel guilty about pursuing someone that is interested in me? The new me?

Am I letting my life pass me by or am I standing by my vows until I am divorced?

I really would like to see several "Vets" insights/approach on this.

I'm posting this on my MLC post as well.

[40andsadintexas]

I go back and fourth with this. I want to date, I have the oppotunitie but don't do it because of my sich. I did some things when I first separated and felt like a total sleaze bag I did it for the wrong reasons I didn't do it for me. Now I can't wait until the d is over because I am ready.

[BrokenInside]

I am not doing it for a while. Mainly for my kids because they require all my attention right now and I kind of have to learn how to be a single parent in case I end up with custody since she is head over hills with OM. Also for me, because I still have feelings for her and I do not want to make someone else pay for it.
I do not want to hurt anyone and I know I will be hurting for some time.

[irishblessings]

I usually post on the MLC site. This idea of dating or standing - it is completely an individual stand. This whole nightmare has caused me to take a good, long look at myself and my own values. I married and took vows that truly meant something to me. For better or worse - who defines worse? In sickness and in health. This is not easy - but after a lot of soul searching I came to the opinion that I want to be able look at myself in the mirror and know that I remained faithful to my vows. It doesn't matter what H does - it's about what I need to do for me.

[KEM]

Its up to each person, but I agree with Irish. I, too, am staying true to my vows, especially since there are still some signs of hope for my R. Of course, my W is not involved with anyone else - so that makes it easier to stay true to my vows. Just take a step back before making any decisions that you may regret.

[hurtinhartford]

I just got back from a date and it is late so I am cheating and coping a post that I wrote on soleil's thread about dating.

Why not a good idea to date if you a working on being a healthier you through GAL'ing and detaching and the D is inevitable? This is what I wrote to another poster who had heard from a self help group regarding D that one should wait one year for every four years of M before dating:

I wonder why the arbitrary ratio of 4 to 1 regarding years married to years before one can date? I certainly believe that it is solely based on each individual and how they focus on healing themselves during the S and after the D.

I know the site is dedicated to DB'ing; however, the underlying theme is GALing and detaching to help the LBS become a stronger and healthier individuals and to prepare us for the journey ahead whatever that might be.

I was a disaster when my W left and went dark. I was trolling these posts and dissecting every trivial element of my sitch. Thank goodness for the posters on this site that talked me down numerous times and guided me when I most needed it.

I realized that I could not go on like that and be the happy healthy individual that I wanted to be. So I GAL'ed and I am still GAL'ing like a mad man and doing the things that make me happy. If I feel that I would like to have a person of the opposite sex join me "date" I am certainly not marking an arbitrary date on my calendar based on the number of years that I was married to do so. Though I do use my horoscope to pick my lottery numbers

I use to feel sympathy for the posters who have been on this site for years DB'ing when their WAS has no interest in saving the M. Sure it is noble to sacrafice ones happiness for the good of the cause...saving your M. However, if your WAS is not interested and never will be interested in saving the M...who loses?

I know it sounds selfish to think of ones happiness only, but are the posters who are on the this site for years single handedly DB'ing also being selfish? They are thinking of their own happiness, but have not accepted the fact that they can be happy on their own. Instead they continue lingering into the lives of their WAS making their lives miserable and in return being rejected again and again.

So I am a big advocate of GAL'ing and detaching and focusing on your own happiness and forgetting what the WAS thinks or might do for me or our M. I have started dating...though I am M and have a piece of paper to prove it...wait a minute I think my STBXW has that, emotionally I'm not! And dating to me is going out with different people not getting emotionally attached having a conversation, dinner and a movie...nothing sexual. So I do not see it as having an affair. Maybe my dating in the eyes of some of the posters is not the noble thing to do. I see it as part of my GAL. Although, I would like to DB my STBXW has to want that too! I don't plan to be one of the posters that is here two years from now still carrying a torch for my WAS. Life is too precious and short to sacrifice it for others!

[FaithnAK]

Why hold onto someone who doesn't want to be married. Take all the pressure off them and give them what they want - standing by, waiting for them to change, holding onto your vows, threatening them etc - it's all pressure. Put yourself in their shoes, what does it look like?

I guess I do not understand this.

If I date, I date with intent to look at someone to the future...if I wanted to be friends then this wouldn't even be an issue. You know interest vs friendship.

Okay, I love my Wife, I REALLY DO. I see this you love em set em free post and think why the hell am I on this site anymore? Oh ok...to better myself! Cool, I'm working on that and I see the changes I've made, and now EVERYONE in my r/l sees it. All of a sudden I'm not the POS Nice Guy anymore. I'm valuable, I've forgiven myself, and I'm progressively moving forward. I AM special...I'm me.

What now? Just let her Divorce me and silently sit by and let opportunities pass me by while I wait for someone who isn't attracted to me and IS crazier than crazy continue to pull the same old circus routine on me? Or do I apply DB information and try to stand by my vows understanding this is NOT my normal wife? (i.e. Crisis, Affair drug, Childhood Issues, whatever)

At what point do you stand for your marriage (without stopping her from doing what she wants) and at what point do you proceed with your future?

Thank you guys for your comments, but let's see what the "elites" have to say. Since so many of them come from there pedestals to help us "unfortunate" ones.

Not attacking, but I want to understand this pov more.

P.s. these are just words and no matter how many times I re-read this, it seems angry, but I'm not really angry - more like I'm done what the hell am I here for frustration. I just don't know how else to word it.

[FaithnAK]

I usually post on the MLC site. This idea of dating or standing - it is completely an individual stand. This whole nightmare has caused me to take a good, long look at myself and my own values. I married and took vows that truly meant something to me. For better or worse - who defines worse? In sickness and in health. This is not easy - but after a lot of soul searching I came to the opinion that I want to be able look at myself in the mirror and know that I remained faithful to my vows. It doesn't matter what H does - it's about what I need to do for me.

I believe in this. This is what my conscience has to go on right now. THIS is why I'm doing what I'm doing.

However, when do you really stop and say 'what if' I just missed a great opportunity? When is standing by your vows not a good thing? My W is having the time of her life and here I am doing the work. She isn't doing anything that benefits her or the marriage. Why am I doing this again? lol.

I mean I'm not stupid enough to fall in love with the first girl that gives me attention, but when I know someone likes me and my W doesn't...when do you draw the line and give it a shot?

According to the DB "Elites" WHO ARE with their spouses come in and tell you "Set Em Free" it makes me question WTF are we here for?

[Vulcanized]

I usually post on the MLC site. This idea of dating or standing - it is completely an individual stand. This whole nightmare has caused me to take a good, long look at myself and my own values. I married and took vows that truly meant something to me. For better or worse - who defines worse? In sickness and in health. This is not easy - but after a lot of soul searching I came to the opinion that I want to be able look at myself in the mirror and know that I remained faithful to my vows. It doesn't matter what H does - it's about what I need to do for me.

I believe in this. This is what my conscience has to go on right now. THIS is why I'm doing what I'm doing.

However, when do you really stop and say 'what if' I just missed a great opportunity? When is standing by your vows not a good thing? My W is having the time of her life and here I am doing the work. She isn't doing anything that benefits her or the marriage. Why am I doing this again? lol.

I mean I'm not stupid enough to fall in love with the first girl that gives me attention, but when I know someone likes me and my W doesn't...when do you draw the line and give it a shot?

According to the DB "Elites" WHO ARE with their spouses come in and tell you "Set Em Free" it makes me question WTF are we here for?

I think you're here to save your own hide. More than likely, your M is done. By done, I mean sign the D papers, it's over. Just my $.02.

I've been here just shy of a year, done the right things, yet my H is still w/OW, still served me. The only diff is that, unlike a year ago, when I first showed up, is that I'm no longer a basket case.

In the last year, I've had my rebound (which would have never happened had H not had A). Granted, that was a disaster and a half, but ... it has given me hope, and something to go on for the future.

So ... continue to be faithful to WAS who is/isn't faithful to you. That's a choice that only you can make. In my case, I have NO REGRETS about my little 4+ month fling. H has been choosing to stick his d*(k in whore for well over a year; as such I owe him NOTHING.

Not to say that I don't love him; I do. But, I don't owe him a damn thing. He valued my fidelity so little, I don't feel guilty for returning the favor. Just my opinion ...

[Truegritter]

Faith

I posted this on your other thread but also copied it over here.

Personally, I'm not divorcing my W, she is divorcing me. I'm not standing in her way and I'm not trying to do anything other than focus on my happiness.

I think this is key Faith. Letting them go. Not fighting them. Giving them what they want doesn't mean you have to agree with their decisions.

You stand for your M and your vows by not seeking a divorce.

Let them do the work for their choices.

I also think that this "letting go" takes time for the LBS they have to process the anger and blow to their self esteem caused by the tragedy in the M.

It is easy to let go with anger. That is what creates the walking wounded.

The Queens and Kings of Bitterville.

Lettting go with love is the end game and that takes time. The LBS will cycle through the stages of anger, denial, bargaining etc.

TIME.

This is my biggest concern for the LBS I see here is processing all of this and getting to a healthy place to LET GO WITH LOVE.

Also set boundaries to protect yourself in the process.

when should I not feel guilty about pursuing someone that is interested in me? The new me?

I can only say that this is a personal choice I think.

For me? My W hasn't asked me for a divorce. She hasn't pursued a divorce.

So MY choice is I am still M and I am not interested in seeking any other relationships because I am committed to this one.

Beyond that all I can say is that the healing and the learning from this process has been one of the most amazing things I have ever learned in life.

I don't think I would have had the awareness to really commit to learning and growing MYSELF if I were engaged in another relationship.

I would have IMO probably sought validation for the OLD ME and those things and/or decisions that went along with behaviors that were part of the dysfunction of my old M.

So it really comes to when are YOU, the new and improved YOU ready to share yourself and be responsible in a new relationship.

I think that takes time. People learn at different rates. When you reach a point of self realization and awareness of who you are (sorry this sounds so esoteric) then THAT is only the beginning...

That is when you feel peace within yourself and make decisions based on the truth.

It takes a while for this to become your skin.

And the challenges you are faced with people (including your spouse) will test you and fortify your awareness of your core. The YOU.

THAT is what I will call self ACTUALIZATION. When you live your life from this place.

How long is long enough?

I can only say that you will know. That truth lies within you not based on some external circumstance like a divorce decree.

Not based on the action or inaction of someone else. That is when YOU are free to make the right choice for YOU.