You will not be able to "deal" with her & her support groups. Don't waste your time trying to get them to hear your side of the story b/c they've already set up judgment. That is why it is good for you to come here instead of trying to get advice from friends/family......they will say what you want to hear and we don't. You know the truth and for now, that's all that is important. Your W will even convince herself of her own lies b/c she wants to be justified for what she's done to you.
Don't discuss the R with your W! I know you are probably wondering how the problems will get worked out if you don't talk about them, right? You are going to hear a lot of things that will sound very opposite of what you thought would be the correct advice for DB. Already it sounds as if we are telling you how to bust the M instead of a D, but trust me, if you'll do what you read here, you'll stand a much bigger chance of saving the M.
Right now you are in a panic mode and you need to try to calm down so you think. You can't think properly when the emotions are out of control. All you are going through is normal so don't be too hard on yourself, but do try very hard to get a handle on yourself.
You will have to accept the fact that you cannot control your W. You cannot control what she tells others or what they think about you. All you can truly control is yourself. So, get your focus off your W, off the MR, off the OM, and think about you and the kids.
Most LBH's bang their heads against the wall wondering why this and why that. Why is the W doing what she always hated in others,etc. She is not the girl you M. She has changed in her thinking, feelings, morals, principles, everything! You will be SHOCKED at more to come. She is not through dishing out. So, be prepared for anything.
I believe a WAW who is in an A must suffer some type of loss before she will begin to change her mind and do what is right regarding the M. It has to be something very precious to her. Therefore, do not make things easy for her. A WAW will try to have the best of both worlds. She's already said that she needs someone to babysit while she has time for herself. Well, sorry.....but that's too bad b/c you aren't going to babysit when she's not there. She will have to find (and maybe pay) for someone else to do it. You will be out GAL. You pick and choose when you will be there and when you will be with the kids, not when she says. The very best thing that I believe a LBH could do when his WAW is in an A is to dump her. That's right. If she thinks that you don't want her, then she will suddenly get very focused on you instead of OM. However, if you pursue your W, she will be sickened by your actions. She wants what she can't have. That is why she got into an EA to start with.
Does your inlaws live in the same town? Do you and your W attend church?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
