Darker days ahead

[DumpedforMIL]

why the no contact if you still love him? What is the status of OW?

i'm always looking for that smoking gun (ie. OW). i have yet to find it but i keep looking <- obsession. not good.

someone else asked me why am i doing no contact when there is nobody else involved.

well, i guess i do it because he said we needed to move on. "we have to sell the house so we can both move on". ok. when we moved into the same building, he would still say hi or wave to me on the rare occasions that we ran into each other. i wouldn't acknowledge him - didn't he say i had to move on?

at the same time, why do i want to be nice to someone who no longer wants to be married to me? talking to him would be like me still pining for him. that would also make me very unattractive (see gucci posts).

he wants to lead this mission to d. i'm not going to stand in his way. but i won't help him move it along. i will protect what's dear to me but otherwise, he's free to take and do whatever he wants. he's leading this .. not me. but i'm near the 'fed up' stage because it's getting dragged out for no good reason.

Would your marriage to him today, be the same as it was before?

it would definitely be different because there is a lot of hurt on both sides. trust has been broken.

Are you saying you don't want the marriage at all OR you fear a reconciliation b/c you don't trust it?

option B - 100%. i don't know if i could trust him. he suspect that he tried to lock me out of the house so he can claim the entire house due to abandonment. he had gone into my room while i was not home and took some personal items of mine. and when i discovered it, he told me he thought i had given them to him as 'something to remember me by'. why the hell would i do that for someone who clearly told me that he was no longer in love me and that it was a mistake to marry me and that the longer he stayed married to me, he was going to die? riiiiight. stealing from my room while i was out?

i love what he used to be. i stuck with the marriage despite wanting out after the first year. i allowed him to cross a boundary without consequences. he asked me to put him first and i did. i needed him to put me first as well, and i wasn't. i watched him put everything else ahead of me.

i would still rather work on this marriage than to marry someone else. but it gets harder and harder for me to want to fight for my marriage if i keep reliving the past because then that's all i'll remember of him. i just regurgitate the "why this happened" and that's all i remember - the bad times. that's why i hate rehashing the past. it starts to cloud the good times. and all i feel is anger and i get stuck in a negative place.

i want a healthy m. i always felt that he was the person who would be able to keep up with me. where he was weak, i was strong. where he was strong, i was weak. i was independent enough that i didn't need him to "kill the bugs for me" and i took on tasks when i knew he was busy. mowing the lawn is probably the only thing that's *his* thing. i'm just not good at mowing the lawn and the lawn mower is really heavy. so in return, i clean the toilets, shower stall, and i take the garbage/recycling out. it's all give and take sometimes. and it worked for us. i make the car appointments for him .. but i don't take his car in because i don't drive a stick (i so wish i could though). i take my own car in to the shop .. most wives i know, their husbands do it for them. i don't need my h to do these things for me. i make him breakfast when he has an early morning call. in our world, there is no "this is your job and only you do it". we both know how to cook well - i know some things better than he does, and he knows some things better than me.

my family used to look at us and say that when they watch Amazing Race, they envision my h and i .. we're great partners that way. we played tennis together - we took great pride in beating two guys at doubles tennis. we played ultimate frisbee together. i used to be girly and now i'm just as athletic as he is .. and he says how proud of me he is for toughing it out.

he got used to watching my tv shows and i got into football, hockey, and basketball. i don't just smile and nod .. i know the rules, the players, the teams, etc. i made a real effort to learn it. i think i scream louder at the hockey games than he does.

we had both shared a love for trivia. kept our minds sharp. every once in a while, i'd throw in a 'blonde' answer to make him laugh. we used to laugh a lot.

notice how all of these things didn't involve his parents? those were the good times. his mother hated that my h, my fil, and i would work on trivia puzzles in the morning paper. she wanted me to be "into" her stuff .. like knitting, bleach, and hand sanitizers. she was a germiphobe. you could never relax when we were at her home. you couldn't sit there and enjoy the paper. if you weren't santizing your hands, you had to listen to her talk about all the things she plans on leaving to us when she dies. not an uplifting conversation. she uses death to manipulate my h. his father is going to die so spend more time with him. his father is fine. but she's got this thing in her head that he's going to "bite the big one". and she uses that phrase a lot. she reminds my h that he's going to die too. he's just like his grandfather .. who btw, died at 42. constantly reminds him of this. she has her own husband thinking about death as well. she uses death as an excuse to be closer to her son .. she's trying to protect him and that's she's only looking out for his best interest .. unlike me, his wife. it got to the point where she tried to control our lives with her hypervigilance. she wouldn't allow us to drive because a snowstorm is headed your way. she'd sit at home and cry and cry until you told her you wouldn't drive. she screams when you drive over a speed bump like the car is on a head on collision. the woman needs to relax. she'd cry at christmas dinner every year - because this could be our last family christmas dinner together.. her h was living on borrowed time and what if he "bites the big one" before next christmas? here's a gun .. shoot yourself and put yourself (and us) out of this misery.

just took my happy husband and made him a depressed man who thinks he's going to die. that's why when he dropped the d-bomb, he said that in order to save himself, he had to hurt the one that he loved. he feared that staying married to me, he was going to die.

you know, the great mickey mantle thought he would never live beyond his 40s because of his family history. he lived it up, smoked, drank, ate unhealthy. he lived into his 60s and said .. had he known he'd live this long, he would have taken better care of himself. i don't want my h to go through this .. thinking that he might die in a few years. i want him to live long and be happy .. with me.

why would you as a mother instill that kind of fear in your son? that's child abuse.

in order for me to have a healthy m .. the whole death thing would have to go. i can't have my h constantly think about when he's going to die. is that even possible to achieve?

the reason why i suck at db-ing is because a lot of this is a choice you make. i can GAL, 180, go dark, self-assessment. but will he ever look at my life and say "i want to be a part of that"? it doesn't change the fact that they are pre-occupied with death and that he is being summoned back to the "mother"ship. i feel like the OW in this distorted relationship. his real w is his mother.

But again, what is it that we can do to help you?

i need to bring myself back to a normal state. i need to make sure that when that time of the month rolls around, i gotta be prepared .. otherwise, i spiral out of control. i have to stop the stalking. just tell me that he's not seeing anyone and i'll be ok. don't say "even if he is seeing someone, you have no control over it". that doesn't help me either. lie if you have to .. because the point is really just to get through this. m or no m.

distract me if you can. i need to focus on something other than the sitch.
hopefully when i go into sign the d papers or when they are served to me, i will be ready.

yeesh .. that was a mouthful.

D4MIL