Effective DBing/ Feedback and Coaching

[Bridgestone]

Again the consequence component was omitted from Bridge's post.. just tells you to set a boundary, doesnt' tell you what to do when its transgressed...

ummm.. I will point out this... and you can take it as you want.. since you are out of patience.

because you won't let others walk all over you without you standing up for yourself (how ever you choose to express that)

I can provide plenty of examples of setting boundaries AND the actions I took ( consequences if you like.. I call them behaviours that kept ME healthy- mentally, emotionally and physcially) with my XH, my children, with my mother, with my friends, with my dates...

I can provide examples of "little" boundaries and "big" ones. AS WELL as the 'consequences' I put in place. where would you like me to start?

My point was that these are MY boundaries and MY actions *I* take to keep myself healthy.. some people may think they are not strict enough or too strict, point is I don't care, they work for me.

However, you or starsky or jack 3 beans choose to express & implement your boundary & consequences are up to you.. how ever you choose to express that my apologies if that was not clear. I DO think a crossed boundary needs an action.. however I also think it is personal.

For some people a boundary may be no affairs or I will file for Divorce. For others a boundary may be no multiple affairs or I file for divorce. For others a boundary may be no multiple affairs in our house or I file for divorce.

That is why I said FISRT you need to know your own values and limits are before you can set it. I left out that it should be shared with the person you are interacting with share it (are they to mind read what your boundary & subsequent action will be?). And THEN act on it as a way to keep yourself healthy, not as a 'punishment' for the other person...

but to keep yourself healthy.. to love yourself enough to say.. I'm not going let myself be treated this way.

The other person may not view your 'consequence' as a punishment.. they may not care at all that you implemented that behaviour to keep yourself healthy.. the point is you do what you need to do FOR YOU.

If it affects them in a way that motivates them to change their behaviour, then you may have a place to start a conversation about their future behaviour and how they act with you in the relationship.

If it is severe enough boundary crossing in your eyes.. you may not give them another chance to have a future with you. However you choose to express standing up for yourself IS UP TO YOU!

These aren't boundaries, they are hollow threats... since no one is advocating backing them up...

I agree they can be hollow threats. I gave plenty of hollow threats
as a wife (If you're not home by 6:30, you can get your own supper),
as a mom (if you 2 don't stop that fighting I'm going to pull this car over and boy will you both be sorry!),
as a daughter (if you don't let me go to the prom I'm going to hate you for the rest of my life!)
as a friend (if you are going to invite HER to the party, I WON"T be coming)

I think talking the talk about backing your boundaries up and actually walking the walk takes practice, maturity, a healthy perspective and loving oneself enough to pull the trigger.

I think it depends on how many times you believe people should be given a chance to make a mistake in a relationship with you.. (no one is perfect) and their sincerity in making amends and efforts to not repeat said offense.

But again I will say .. this is just my 2 cents worth based on my experience in learning how & why to set boundaries.