Again the consequence component was omitted from Bridge's post.. just tells you to set a boundary, doesnt' tell you what to do when its transgressed...
I really am out of patience with this...
There is absoluteily no point in talking about boundaries if you aren't prepared to act in a way to protect them and yourself... And that seems to be what is consistently missing from a lot of this boundary talk...
These aren't boundaries, they are hollow threats... since no one is advocating backing them up...
You are effectively holding a water gun at a gang of terrorists and telling them to back off...
Perhaps this is a really simplistic example, but when I sit on my couch, my dog will sometimes try to get her front paws on the couch so that she can get a better scratch behind the ears. As soon as she does, I stop scratching. She then steps back off the couch and I don't start scratching again until she does. Sometimes a lack of positive re-enforcement is enough to enforce a boundary. (Sometimes it isn't.)
I am a almost WAW, my H is abusive. I am working on my part of the relationship. Am I just supposed to take it until I get me figured out? I love on him the best I can. I do what he asks and they he tells me it's not good enough, I ask for help understanding and he just stomps off. I think I need to learn to communicate better. I think he is having a A but it's not his fault.
I am taking care of myself, and go to IC. I have friends and hobbies, which he is very jealous of so I am thinking of changing that. Would that bring more love to the M? When I change my behavior in a healthy way he gets mad and punishes me. I guess I need to change more. Tired of walking on eggshells.
My goals - get him to listen, help me around the house, and some affection.
ps It's hard to get him to listen because he texts constantly.
I believe the average abused woman leaves her marriage 7-10 times--and then goes back to the abuser--before she is ready to make that final break. Often, during that time, she involves the police after particularly brutal attacks. They will typically tell her to press charges; however, her abusive H will generally persuade her to drop these.
Each of these 7-10 escapes and calls to the police is a failed attempt to set boundaries. As Bridgestone points out, this woman will not be able to set a firm boundary until she stops thinking that SHE is the source of the problem and puts her own well-being above her desperate need to be in a relationship.
Perhaps this is a really simplistic example, but when I sit on my couch, my dog will sometimes try to get her front paws on the couch so that she can get a better scratch behind the ears. As soon as she does, I stop scratching. She then steps back off the couch and I don't start scratching again until she does. Sometimes a lack of positive re-enforcement is enough to enforce a boundary. (Sometimes it isn't.)
It may work for a dog who has no visible alternatives, but when you are dealing with an addicted spouse who has a third party pressuring them to leave the marriage its a bit difficult.
You try getting your dog to cooperate when someone else they like even more is waving cookies at them... Go ahead, I dare you
