CeMar, I think part of your anger stems from the fact that you are helpless to DO anything about this situation. All you are is a bystander; standing by watching your marriage self destruct. All HD people struggling with this have felt this way and the anger is a very real emotion. It is easy to say, Accept it or leave. But it is so very hard to do that. I agree with you on your moral convictions to avoid divorce, as well as avoiding it for the sake of your children.
Here is what helped me make it through some of the darkest days: Taking back a little of the power. My LD husband held all the power in the sexual relationship and to say it is frustrating to be powerless is a massive understatement.
So I developed an Exit Strategy. This might seem anti-DB'ing but this really helped me. I mapped everything out that I would do, including a time frame. Mine started with communicating HEAVILY with my H and trying to resolve the problem in every way possible. I gave this 1-2 years. The next move was that I would move into a guest bedroom. Now since we don't have a guest bedroom, for me that would have meant moving into the basement. I mentioned this to H and he was (no surprise) totally opposed to this, so I agreed that I would sell our queen sized bed and buy two twins. Now this drastic step would have come after a VERY long time of trying to change it.
Basically I was no longer willing to let him live in his denial-created world where we lie down next to each other every night and pretend that not having sex is the way that we should be living. I simply was not willing to participate in the sham any longer. I was going to take back my power and either move out of the bedroom or at the very least, not sleep next to him every night. It would be sending a clear message to him and to anyone who visits our home. I really didn't care about that. The ONLY thing I was concerned about in this scenario was the impact it would have on my kids--would they grow up thinking that it was normal for moms and dads to not sleep together?
Luckily for me, it never came to this stage (or even close) but I felt much better having this plan in my arsenal. I felt that I had taken a little power back and had something to take away from him, if he didn't take my words seriously.
The next stage, after moving out of the marital bedroom, was to wait until the kids were older and then move out into my own apartment. After that, I would pursue an annulment and go from there. I even checked out a book from the library on Annulment. I was dead serious, Cemar. This was not me venting. I was making a life plan for myself, in the event that he decided not to fully participate in our marriage.
I don't know what was the catalyst for him changing things around and I suppose I never will. But I do wonder if my Exit Strategy gave me a "seriousness" that he could see (without my outright sharing my plan, cause that would have been manipulative and totally counterproductive to my plan of increasing the love between us). I think that prior to this, I might have sounded a bit like "Things better change..or...or....ELSE!" and of course there was no "else", cause I was not going anywhere and he knew it.
These are just some thoughts for you on how to handle the deep frustration that this situation causes. Hope you start communicating with your wife SOON.
