Quotes found on Divorce Busting Forums (4)

[Ready2Change]

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Why hold onto someone who doesn't want to be married. Take all the pressure off them and give them what they want - standing by, waiting for them to change, holding onto your vows, threatening them etc - it's all pressure. Put yourself in their shoes, what does it look like?

If they are acting single, running around, and not contributing to the family then be honest, it's not a marriage. There is something you can do - agree with them, give them what they want, set them free, drop the rope, fully detach, release them from the cage. You are kidding yourself if you think waiting for them is going to work, it's not attractive. To get here you need to understand why this works.

I totally believe in the sacrament of marriage. I believe it is a holy convenant ordained by God. With a convenant comes special blessings and graces. A covenant also comes with guidelines of behavior to be part of the convenant. The Garden of Eden, God's covenant with his people and the Prodigal Son are good examples of this. I will always love my wife, the graces and blessings we share will depend on how well we respect and nurture our covenant. There will always be the bond but not always the connection. I will also have the power to forgive her and welcome her back but not by me losing myself in the process.

I also believe in the dynamics of human behavior and the influence you can have on someone else by your actions. Attraction and love work differently between men and women. Mens and womens needs and wants are different. How we communicate, process and feel is different. Then lastly you must understand your beloved and what their fears, desires, wants and ambitions are.

You can set them free and love them at the same time. IMO it is the most loving thing you can do is to let them choose what they want. Setting then free = no pressure. It's selfish to try and get them to see your POV and do what you want. They have made their intentions clear, listen to what they are telling you.

I did not arrive at this belief until I thought thru it. I had read it, seen it here and heard it before. This isn't unique or new advice. I put myself in both sets of shoes the LBS and the WAS and thought thru how would I react.

Below is a quote from James Dobson who says it better than I. He is very pro-marriage.

Get counseling before giving ultimatum to straying spouse
By James Dobson
Published August 2, 2007


QUESTION: My wife has been involved in an affair with her boss for six months. I’ve known about it from the beginning, but just haven’t been able to confront her. Melanie acts like she doesn’t love me anyway. If I give her an ultimatum I could lose her completely. Can you assure me that won’t happen? Have you ever offered the “love must be tough” advice and had it backfire, ending in divorce?

DR. DOBSON: Yes, I have, and I certainly understand your caution. I wish I could guarantee how Melanie will react to a firmer approach. Unfortunately, life offers few certainties, even when all the probabilities point in one direction. Sometimes well-conditioned athletes drop dead from heart attacks. Some outstanding parents raise children who rebel and become drug addicts. Some of the most intelligent, cautious businessmen foolishly bankrupt themselves. Life is like that.

Things happen every day that shouldn’t have occurred. Nevertheless, we should go with the best information available to us. I saw a sign that said, “The fastest horses don’t always win, but you should still bet on them.” Even as a nongambler, that makes sense to me.

Having offered that disclaimer, let me say that there is nothing risky about treating oneself with greater respect, exhibiting confidence and poise, pulling backward and releasing the door on the romantic trap.

The positive benefits of that approach are often immediate and dramatic. Self-respect expressed in a loving way virtually never fails to have a salutary effect on a drifting lover, unless there is not the tiniest spark left to fan. Thus, in instances when opening the cage door results in a spouse’s sudden departure, the relationship was over already. I’m reminded of the proverb that says, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” There is a great truth in that, and it applies to your relationship with your wife.

Now, obviously, it is risky to precipitate a period of crisis. When explosive individuals are involved in mid-life turmoil or a passionate fling with a new lover, great tact and wisdom are required to know when and how to respond. That’s why professional counsel is vital before, during, and after the confrontation. It would be unthinkable of me to recommend that victims of affairs indiscriminately pose ultimatums with 24-hour deadlines, or that they push an independent partner in a corner. Great caution is needed in such delicate conflicts.

In short, I suggest that you seek the assistance of a competent counselor who can help you deal with the problem of Melanie’s affair.