Now I'm Walking Away, Part 4

[NotCrackingUp]

I suppose you're right. My children prefer me happy, that's certain. But at present, they've a lot of resentment towards their Dad, as he never really tried to explain things to them, showed a lot of nastiness to me and was fairly open about the OW; their image of him is really tarnished and although they don't say much now, I'm worried about the teen years. I've tried to be loyal to him, tell them he loves them and is a bit lost. I feel that they won't get back their respect for him unless we patch things up.
I can understand PinHead's wanting to stick close to his little girls. Parents are heroes for kids and they have a hard time accepting the feet of clay aspect. Plus unless everything is really broken, or one of the two is really in orbit, couples can repair and re-unite, I think. BUT they have to want to, both of them.

[hurtinhartford]

We have a statement here "can't see the forest for the trees". We are so wrapped up in the sitch that we cannot see it clearly. That is why it is easy for most of us to provide clear and concise advice to others while getting wrapped around the axles on the smallest of issues when it comes to our own sitch.

[TimeHeals]

"can't see the forest for the trees"

But "the Devil is in the details".

Dontcha love platitudes?

We have 20 dollar words
But talk is cheap
You've gotta reach out and grab success
But look before you leap
Never look a gift-horse in the mouth
But no one rides for free
So beware of strangers bearing gifts
There nothing common about common sense
That's what I believe

The best things in life
Have always been free
Yet you get what you pay for
Unless it comes naturally
And idle hands are really bad
But all work and no play
Tends to make Jack a real drag
Or so I've heard people say

They say that birds of a feather
Are known to flock together
And opposites are known to attract
Maybe I'm a fool
But it seems exceptions are the rule
And if I believe somethin'
Then I believe that

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

It is not your responsibility to apologize for your H's actions to your children. Your responsibility is to ensure that your children have a nurturing environment and that you love, guide and protect them as they grow up. Your H will have to grow a pair and explain and apologize on his own to your children. If he cannot do that...how can you really respect him?

I am contantly being told that women want a confident man who leads and knows where they are headed, have poise, strength and honor...advice to me from Coach. To be honest NCU from your description of your H I see a child that lashes out at you in tantrums, demoralizes you because he feels bad about himself and has no idea where he is headed. Look clearly in his direction now without romanticizing your M of the past...would you be attracted to the man that he has become?

Again, DB and GAL for yourself and not for your H or your M. Your H is out in orbit he is just hovering around you to keep you on the leash "just in case" and will jetison you once he finds OW.

[TimeHeals]

It is not your responsibility to apologize for your H's actions to your children.

Yep. Be there for your kids, and don't bad mouth or make excuses for your spouse. Don't demonize them, and don't rescue them.

[hurtinhartford]

Time,

You forgot "Hey you woodchucks! quit chucking my wood!"

[TimeHeals]

I don't know from woodchucks

Ikh veys nit fun woodchucks (in pidgeon Yidish). No, I'm not jewish. Just lived in NY a while.

[LanceSijan]

We have a statement here "can't see the forest for the trees". We are so wrapped up in the sitch that we cannot see it clearly. That is why it is easy for most of us to provide clear and concise advice to others while getting wrapped around the axles on the smallest of issues when it comes to our own sitch.

That is why you must learn to detach.
It will help you to see you own sich more clearly.
And you are completly detached from other's sichs so that is why it is so easy to give good advice

[hurtinhartford]

Lance,

I about as deatched as you can get without having amnesia...GAL'ing and Living Life and Loving It!!!!

[bustorama]

After all, you were uninterested in the spouse while you were neglecting them, and they apparently did not find that attractive since they are WA...It seems there needs to be an interest in something new and healthy (i.e., a change on your part)?

Make Yourself Happy For A Change.

Me, I'm addicted to being happy. It's exciting. It feels great. I feel like sharing it with everyone around me. If I don't make someone happy and whatever I try to do doesn't make them happy. There is nothing wrong with me. Why should I feel there is something wrong with me?

I agree with you that if someone is not attracted to you / happy with you, that it is a fool's errand to try to "make" them happy with you and that you are better off working on yourself and being happy.

If they don't like me, why should I change?

In some cases, their not liking you may indicate a behavior on your part that would benefit from changing (e.g., addictions/compulsions, abusive behavior, bad communication, etc.). You could have a better life by yourself or with others if you change that behavior. In my case of dropping the compulsive gaming and "virtual" affairs, I am much happier having re-entered the real world and left that behind. I think we agree, though, that the change is best done for yourself and not instrumentally "for them."

Maybe like Wendy and Gina, I just need to move on.

This is where I think I disagree with you or maybe we differ in what "moving on" means. I think attractions ebb and flow. I have heard many long-term married couples tell me that they fell out of love with their spouses more than once over the course of their marriage, many had affairs, etc. Many told me that the other partner "stuck around" while this was going on, I guess biding time with or focusing on themselves, and eventually the attraction/love came back. In my own case when I was having the EAs, I had lost all attraction for my W and even hated her, but, for reasons that are not clear to me, my attraction for her came back. She later discovered the history of the EAs (after they were over) and the damage was done unfortunately. BUT, she had stuck around and not "moved on" during the time that I had fallen out of love with her, and I did fall back in love with her without her pursuing me.

So, if by moving on, you mean not "trying" to re-attract your partner and pining for them, I would agree with you (though it's easier said than done).

If by moving on, you mean straightaway leaving ur partner and looking for others, it seems rushed not to let some time pass for feelings to return or hurts to pass?? Maybe I just feel this way because I've been in the flip situation as well?