You're obviously very good at planning, CL -- I can see it in how you plan your lessons, your vacations, and stuff for your wife. Put some of that energy into planning your "Anticipated Negative Reactions From My Wife" with her, and how you'd like yourself to handle it.
I bet it works! It'll take time, tho.
Starsky
I'm making a list in my head of anticipated difficult situations with my wife--our weekly ballroom dance venue, any ballroom dance venue, dance lessons, driving in the car wth her, Thanksgiving dinner with her family, dance practice sessions.
Last night at my lesson, the dance teacher asked me if there was anything I needed my W to do differently with our dancing. I wanted to focus on what I could do differently. Maybe I missed an opportunity. I would have said that she needs to be patient with me when I'm learning new dances.
She's threatening to stop lessons with me, because of my "poor" behavior. I need a plan in case she abruptly quits on me. I'm thinking that I would continue to go to dance venues with or without her, and that I would continue lessons with or without her. A mistake would be to allow her to "shut me down."
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She's threatening to stop lessons with me, because of my "poor" behavior. I need a plan in case she abruptly quits on me. I'm thinking that I would continue to go to dance venues with or without her, and that I would continue lessons with or without her. A mistake would be to allow her to "shut me down."
The weekend with my W went well with our dance lesson and Halloween party. We stayed at the party until 2AM, dancing and talking with others.
I received a call from my credit card company today. They were concerned about my increasing credit card debt. I've been using the card more since my W has been unemployed. I had already been carrying several balances. They are going to reduce my line of credit by $17K (which may be a good idea).
I sent my W an email to let her know, that I will be changing my pattern of credit card use. I think she also needs to know of the significant change in my credit line. I've been too liberal in my use of the card, during this unemployment. It's time for me to protect my credit rating, which has been good. I'm going to start putting more emphasis on cash purchases, and will factor this change into vacation planning. I anticipate some reaction from her, but I think she needs to know about this, so that she can make adjustments or at least understand mine.
She starts her new job today, so there should be more cash flow. I need to make sure the debt starts getting down.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm not comfortable revealing any more numbers. It's embarrasing that I've let myself get to this point. My pattern has to been to slowly pay down the debt, but carry balances. The problem is we don't (used to) have savings for unemployment. I do need to be grateful that my W had a part-time job during this time, so things could have been much worse.
The banks have been quite generous to my W and I (and probably many people) with credit over the years. One bank is now "shortening my credit leash." My W acknowledged the email, and said to let her know if there were any problems. My plan is to get at least a short-term savings account building, for minor emergencies. We will begin slowly paying down debt. I will return to occassional credit card use, and pay for miscellaneous expenses with cash.. We're going to need a plan to address the unresolved debt problem. I'll give her time to get settled in her new job. I think the next step is to meet with our financial planner for a reality check and to make some changes in our patterns.
The goal (if it's realistic) would be to pay down debt, yet still be able to take two affordable vacations per year, and continue with dance lessons. I don't think we need anything significantly material beyond that. We have a modest mortgage, and drive used cars.
Tonight is our ballroom venue. We'll see if my W is up to it. I've been working on my own in the mornings, and late at night on my own steps, to prepare for joint practice sessions. The plan is to dance with other woman, if my W has an episode of unpleasantness, rather than shut down. I will give her priority, but still mix with others. The plan is to work on being respectful and attentive without being overly accommodating.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Sounds like a good plan all the way around, CL -- financial and dancing/wife-interaction. I do think maybe you should scale back on the vacations until you've built some of your savings back up, but you sound like you're taking a prudent approach.
As a guy who tried to "please" my wife, rather than say "no" to her about such things -- trust me -- there's NOTHING about my current financial sitch that she's pleased about.
Sounds like a good plan all the way around, CL -- financial and dancing/wife-interaction.
Starsky
I don't see myself taking a hard line with the vacations, other than to keep them affordable with minimal credit card use. She doesn't seem too alarmed about my drop in credit. We'll see how that goes, when something I used to take care of, now needs her assistance (new appliance for example). I sent her an email suggesting a meeting with our financial planner in the next 3-6 months for a "financial check-up." We've put ourselves in a position that we need two FT incomes, if we wish to maintain our lifestyle, and pay down debt, and save for retirement.
It's good to see her working again, and getting away from sitting at home so much. She had a good first day. She even signed an mail with love.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I went to our weekly exercise class with my W. I'm impressed that she went, given she is adjusting to having to work again. She was too tired to go to the dance venue afterwards; I went without her for about an hour. There wasn't any conflict about it.
I had a fair time without her. I got to talk to a male acquaintance, and got to know him a little better. I danced with ladies, so I could practice dances I do well and those that are new this year to me.
I keep running into the young man who I found fondling my W this past April. I get angry every time I see him. It's affecting my enjoyment for the evening. I've decided that I need to at least wish him happiness for his own life, even with the poor judgment he showed that night. I can keep my boundaries of keeping a distance from him and crossing him off my acquaintance list.
She didn't respond to my suggestion about meeting with our financial planner. I'll let it go for now. There will be opportunity to bring this up again at some point.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I practiced the two new routines we're learning with my W. My W told me this morning that she doesn't enjoy practicing with me and may consider not signing up for the competition in January or quitting the formation teams. She told me that she wants to practice when she's available.
I do get frustrated when I practice. She only had one Rumba song on her Ipod. She gives feedback during the dance, which adds to stress. She doesn't like it if I stop in the middle of dance to start again. She doesn't like it if I express frustration--she sees it as whining.
I sent her an email this morning, letting her know that I was sorry she didn't enjoy the practice session. I tried to validate her concerns, and let her know what I'm struggling with. I told her that I wold try to leave my doubts at the door, lower my expectations of myself, be more patient with myself. I told her it was important to me to stay the course,because I liked the format of learning separate 50 second routines, that we could transfer to social dancing.
I hope we can work this out. I'll have to be prepared that she may convey her frustration with the teacher, and may tell him tomorrow that she's quitting. My response will continue to be to validate her concerns, and let her know I'll try to lighten up. I'll need to quickly have a back-up plan if she does back-out of some things.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
