it's friday and the last post just re-opened the wounds that were in the process of healing. i feel tense, anger, sadness, and depressed.
i have the entire weekend now to run away from the intense hurt that has taken over my body. i'm going to try and play squash tonight.
the last few posts were not helpful in my healing. the advice would have been welcomed six months ago but i'm nearing the final days of separation. issuing a 2x4 now would be like giving the dead horse one last kick just for good measure. i don't need one last kick - i'm already dead.
the timing of the post was very bad as i had just had my ic session and my next one isn't scheduled for another 1.5 weeks. thank goodness for crisis lines. i'm sure they will be hearing from me tonight.
i expected to be in better shape after 10 months but i'm really no better than i was. i've started to GAL and look into myself and where i went wrong. my demons were my words. when you're on my good side, i'm sweet as pie. when you're on my bad side, i have a way with words that would cut you right to the core. that's because i listen, observe, and remember. i know what you like and i know what you don't like.
the lesson i learned was you don't make your point by doing the wrong thing and hoping the other person sees your point. if he leaves his socks around, doing the same (or leaving 10x the amount of socks around) isn't the right way to prove your point that leaving socks all over the place makes for a messy room.
careful how you choose your words - once words have been said, you can't take them back. and it is almost impossible to undo.
i keep score without knowing it. when you say one thing, i expect you to back it up with action. if you don't, it gets filed under the lack of integrity folder. when he tells me that i need to put him first, and he doesn't do the same .. i give him chances and when i don't see any improvement, it gets filed under 'lack of integrity'. when he tells me that i never finish the job, and then goes and does the same himself.
i actually wasn't like this during the marriage. and i never got to say any of this to him. there was so much unsaid things on my end .. so many unsent letters i wrote, telling him how unhappy i was. how i could not say i love you after our first year of marriage. i wrote your typical WAW letter. but i wasn't running away to have an affair. i ran away to get away from feeling neglected by my h. i don't want to be a home where i'm invisible to my h.
