After all, you were uninterested in the spouse while you were neglecting them, and they apparently did not find that attractive since they are WA...It seems there needs to be an interest in something new and healthy (i.e., a change on your part)?
Excellent example for this thread. You have a spouse that is uninterested to, unattracted to, orphans you. And you try ...
whether you use the divorce busting approach, the begging, pleading approach, your own form of Last Resort Technique, eventually shut down and turn off, or the whole shock and turmoil of the situation causes you a mid-life-crisis
there comes a point where you need to make yourself happy for a change.
There is nothing wrong with coming to the conclusion that you cannot make this other person happy and that it is making you unhappy and you want to be happy.
6, 9 months, some going on 2 years of depression and co-dependence for someone that is uninterested and not attracted to them, moves on and starts a new life without them, what they are doing is not working.
Make Yourself Happy For A Change.
You read here a lot of excitement when a wayward spouse brings over cookies, or talks on the phone all night, or shows a glimmer in their eye that something might still be there, and of the heartbreak when they later continue to live their life as they are doing. What did you learn? That people can love more than 1 person, that you never know whats buried in someone's heart for that person they knew long ago, that people want to want and be wanted. That people love different people in different ways, or maybe that sometimes people use what ever technique they can to get what they want.
I don't know much about severe neglect or addictions like compulsive gaming. But I can understand why it becomes unhealthy physically and mentally to their spouse. I can understand why they leave. And don't blame them.
Me, I'm addicted to being happy. It's exciting. It feels great. I feel like sharing it with everyone around me. If I don't make someone happy and whatever I try to do doesn't make them happy. There is nothing wrong with me. Why should I feel there is something wrong with me? If they don't like me, why should I change? Maybe like Wendy and Gina, I just need to move on.
This is a question that will get some giggles: what exactly is a thread? I see "topic" at the top of the page, when I was politely warned by sgctox that I was nearing the end of the line, I went to "new topic". Hope thus to have stated a new thread, but since I'm not really sure what the latter is, I'm not really sure full stop.
We have come quite a distance in a few months. This forum has kept me relatively sane and increased my computer skills.
I'm a bit confused about the "changes" debate, though.Personally, I know now (thanks to the hair-whitening shock my H gave me) that things between us needed to change: the balance of power (decision power, respect of each partner as an adult person apart from the rôles of Mam and Dad, time spent on the couple, real exchange of views, making time and place for intimacy...)etc. But I can't see why he needed to reject me so fully and crush my confidence, then flee the scene of the crime. i suppose it'll become clear in time.
I'm more than willing to evolve and change, for myself and for my children and for him. I don't see how it would be wrong to change now. There are always lessons to be learned, even if it's the hard way. only imbeciles never change their minds.
You just have to go slowly. Not rush into things headlong. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I suppose you're right, Steve McQueen. We do get excited over small glints that remind us of past glories. We need to hope to go on. But hoping hurts very often. Wondering what he/she will be like this evening when we get home, or (in my case) the next time he phones or comes to collect children. A smile and a kind word sets us up for the day...and to be hurt again and again.
Difficult to make yourself happy when you've bound your happiness to another person for years.
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Time Heals Was never very confident in myself as a woman. His love gave me wings, but when he swept it away and criticized every aspect of me as a wife, there was little confidence left. My problem, not his, I suppose.
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I suppose you're right, Steve McQueen. We do get excited over small glints that remind us of past glories. We need to hope to go on. But hoping hurts very often. Wondering what he/she will be like this evening when we get home, or (in my case) the next time he phones or comes to collect children. A smile and a kind word sets us up for the day...and to be hurt again and again.
Difficult to make yourself happy when you've bound your happiness to another person for years.
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
A thread is a series of posts like Pin's "ow I'm Walking Away. Part4" I like your questioning because although you may not see it I can and I am sure others a shift in your attitude.
You know M is a difficult state because we are all our own unique individual with our own set of boundaries, levels and tipping points of emotion. Somehow during the course of your and your H's M and might add everyone else's M here on the site ... the balance in your M as you saw it did not coorelate to the way your H saw the balance.
Hypothetical...maybe the nurturung, affection, and loving attention that you might have given your H felt soficating and smoothering to him; or the autonomous freedom that you might have given your H to "be his own person" might have felt like neglect to him. Who knows...However, somewhere in the course of our M's communication was taken for granted and although we and our spouses were headed in the right direction we started taking different paths at a different pace and eventually derailed our M's.
