Effective DBing/ Feedback and Coaching

[ArnieBGood]

Regarding boundaries....our goal is MORE LOVE in the relationship right?

Right!

If we're coming off as authoritative, parental, etc.....well, we might win the battle but lose the war. What good is it if our partner meets our boundary but doesn't love us? OR loves us much less?

This is indeed the consequence (!) of being authoritative/parental with our spouse. Every interaction either grows love or diminishes love.

How can we get our needs met (our boundaries)....while still growing love?

By making sure that setting a boundary is a process that grows rather than diminishes love. So how is love grown? By giving and by receiving love. I believe the answer, then, is to facilitate a process whereby my spouse is given the opportunity to meet my needs (or wants) as an act of love. The problem is that if I tell her what to do, then this denies her the opportunity to do it out of love. Acts of love are free-will gestures, and so it is ideally be framed in such a way that I am not telling her what to do (parental).

Coach, are you saying that the first scenario is a real one? Straw men situations don't prove anything.

As to the second one, which seems like it could be more plausible, tell me who “I” am. Obviously the woman is without boundaries, and if she is being “punished” or is truly in an abusive situation, then her “goals” are entirely unrealistic given the circumstances. If one is counseling the woman, the first order of business would be to find ways to build her self-esteem to the point where she is even capable of setting boundaries. At this point, it is unrealistic to expect that she will be - either in this relationship or any other. Depending on what the “abuse” is all about, it would make sense for her to leave the situation - but without improved internal boundaries (i.e. her sense of who she is) she is likely to repeat this dynamic in any new relationship.

I am starting to feel unconscious BTW.

Oh Coach, passive-aggressive is so unbecoming on you.