Is it okay to date if divorce is filed?

[Lostinlife]

Lost,

Other than you having kids we are in the same boat. I wish you luck!

I just reread most of your original thread, sounds like our wives read the same book. We are in the same boat alright, I don't want a divorce either, but I really have no other choice.

We have no other choice, no matter what we do it will make no difference.

I'll read yours more in depth tonight, I don't have the kids and my back is killing me, so no gym or class for me.

[40andsadintexas]

^ 40, I still cannot get over the 7 OM. WTH!

Hey I bet she gets it up to 10 before this thing is over. I have faith in her.

[flowmom]

I was with and in love with my stbxh for 18 years, married for 10. I never dreamed that things would end this way.

We are still legally married, but it's just a piece of paper to me. Stbxh was DONE on Jan 3, 2010. And after 6 months of leaving the door open and DBing, so was I because it was crystal clear that there was no hope for reconciliation. IMO, it does take two to be married. If one person completely vacates the marriage physically and emotionally, then all you have left is the piece of paper. That isn't reason enough for me for me to live a nun-like existence for years -- I've already been nearly celibate and emotionally alone for years in my M .

I started dating 8 months after the separation. It's been mostly a wonderful experience. I've needed to express myself as a woman. I've also needed to prove myself that I can be attracted to and enjoy other men. It sounds stupid, but until dating I had trouble believing that I could feel that way about other men. It really helped to "break the spell" that stbxh had over me. My attachment to him was so strong that it was hard to break in a vaccuum.

I've done it as responsibly as I can under the circumstances:

* I did a LOT of personal work before and after the separation coming to terms with my life issues and taking significant steps to work on them, including grieving the marriage

* making it clear to suitors what my situation is, and not presenting myself as looking for or ready for a LTR

* dating separated fathers who are in a similar life stage and understand where I'm at with adjusting to life as a single parent, dealing with legal stuff, etc.

* my children are unaware of my dating

Yes, deal with your stuff before dating. But as humans we are designed to grow and evolve IN relationships, not to fix ourselves in isolation so that we can aspire to an idealized relationship.

[Jstar]

the more i read the debate about dating after filing and the reasoning behind dating i am more apt to put myself out there.

i think it would be good for me in the sense of breaking that spell or bond i have with h, not the one that is non existent on his side.

i did get an account on speedate to give me some talk with adults and i had no problem being flirty, funny and open. i got asked out on a date, would totally go but i didn't pay for the full membership....the cost i am not willing to do yet.

[hurtinhartford]

flowmom,

I agree 100%. We have to address our own baggage via GAL, detach and be comfortable knowing that we do not need our spouses to have a happy, healthy life. I think once you are at that stage then I think it is healthy to date. Until then I think you can be susceptible of being "needy" and "latching on". Responsible dating has certainly helped me understand who I am and what I want as well as opened up my eyes in realizing that there is a great wonderful world out there!

[DanF]

I was with and in love with my stbxh for 18 years, married for 10. I never dreamed that things would end this way.

I can relate. And my W's blow-up happened on Jan 3rd. That was the beginning of the end, even though I didn't see D coming. Never thought we'd get here.

* my children are unaware of my dating

I'm not dating, but my kids know other kids whose parents are divorced and are dating. My D keeps asking me about girlfriends and getting married again. I tell her that I don't have any girlfriends and that you can't just look at someone and decide from that that you want to marry them. That you have to spend time with them and get to know them first.

I have asked them a couple of times if that lady is wearing a wedding ring. That really upset STBXW. I suppose I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't see it as a real big deal at the time.

[DanF]

if someone is not interested in you, move on to the next.
that maybe the only change you really need to make.

what is so attractive about someone who isn't interested to you?
it seems like they need to be making some changes and get with the program.

I know that this view is sometimes advocated on the board, but I don't think that the DR view of moving on with one's life (GAL/non-pursuit) is necessarily the same as moving on to the next [person]. I was wrong to have my EAs while I was married and living with W, and I also feel it would be wrong to have EAs/PAs while married, but separated, from W. Maybe I'm just a prude?

I also am not sure that simply being uninterested in the WAS is the right approach in WAS cases spawned by severe neglect (compulsive gaming). After all, you were uninterested in the spouse while you were neglecting them, and they apparently did not find that attractive since they are WA...It seems there needs to be an interest in something new and healthy (i.e., a change on your part)?

Not a prude, just a different viewpoint.

Perhaps you are correct in cases of severe neglect, but whatever the case, the WAS has no interest in your (my) interest in them at the moment. Everything we do seems to push them further away. We are "smothering" them. They "need space". So give it to them. Perhaps their perception of the situation wasn't completely accurate. The grass is not always greener. Perhaps giving them the "space" they need allows them to figure out how wrong they are.

I guess that doesn't have to mean dating while you are still married, but I have seen here that is what it sometimes takes to snap WAS out of the fog. The realization thay they may truly HAVE finally lost you and can no longer control you.

Personally, I think it would also help me move past this stage in my life. I'm still on the fence. I have signed-up for a couple of dating sites, but I haven't had any dates. It has made me feel better about what to expect from life after D though just from seeing that there are attractive women available out there.

I guess each person has to make his own decision that he can live with in this situation.

[DanF]

if someone is not interested in you, move on to the next.
that maybe the only change you really need to make.

what is so attractive about someone who isn't interested to you?
it seems like they need to be making some changes and get with the program.

I know that this view is sometimes advocated on the board, but I don't think that the DR view of moving on with one's life (GAL/non-pursuit) is necessarily the same as moving on to the next [person]. I was wrong to have my EAs while I was married and living with W, and I also feel it would be wrong to have EAs/PAs while married, but separated, from W. Maybe I'm just a prude?

I also am not sure that simply being uninterested in the WAS is the right approach in WAS cases spawned by severe neglect (compulsive gaming). After all, you were uninterested in the spouse while you were neglecting them, and they apparently did not find that attractive since they are WA...It seems there needs to be an interest in something new and healthy (i.e., a change on your part)?

Not a prude, just a different viewpoint.

Perhaps you are correct in cases of severe neglect, but whatever the case, the WAS has no interest in your (my) interest in them at the moment. Everything we do seems to push them further away. We are "smothering" them. They "need space". So give it to them. Perhaps their perception of the situation wasn't completely accurate. The grass is not always greener. Perhaps giving them the "space" they need allows them to figure out how wrong they are.

I guess that doesn't have to mean dating while you are still married, but I have seen here that is what it sometimes takes to snap WAS out of the fog. The realization thay they may truly HAVE finally lost you and can no longer control you.

Personally, I think it would also help me move past this stage in my life. I'm still on the fence. I have signed-up for a couple of dating sites, but I haven't had any dates. It has made me feel better about what to expect from life after D though just from seeing that there are attractive women available out there.

I guess each person has to make his own decision that he can live with in this situation.

[hurtinhartford]

40,

I'm thinking your stbxw will hit a baker's dozen before the D. Maybe, we should all take bets on it?

[40andsadintexas]

I dont think a baker's dozen is out of the question.

What gets me is for someone who is "so happy" she sure does seem to be in a bad mood alot, not that I talk to her but from what I hear.