I read what robx said about changes. Seemed very harsh. Before the bomb, I hadn't realized my H wanted changes, saw someone else as better. the bomb made me think and question myself, what I'd missed and done wrong, although there was a third party. The result was the realization that some changes had to come, I'm trying to get there. I've never felt I was insulting my H by taking a part of his point. He's not made any comments, really, and I don't ask. But I hoped that trying to learn lessons and evolve was respecting the other spouse, trying to see their point of view. I realize any change should square with who I am and be permanently do-able. But saying that making changes is insulting our WAS is disheartening.
I suppose robx is talking about controlling yourself and forgetting about influencing the other? NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
...I'm still not sure that I understand why this is though. We are making the changes that they asked us to make because we love them and want them to be happy. Why is that a bad thing?
It is a bad thing because you are changing for someone else and not for you.
It is a bad thing because happiness comes from inside not outside. The only person you can make happy is yourself.
It is a bad thing because you are attempting to manipulate someone else.
I wasn't trying to manipulate. Just trying to help in ways she said I was previously lacking. Trying to do what she wanted me to do. I still don't get it and maybe I never will. I should have done those things previously because they were the right thing to do, but doing them now, after I have been asked, is bad. If I was doing them before, it would have been good? Who is to say why I am doing what I am doing? If I am doing it, it is because I WANT to do it. This is madness.
I do agree that happiness has to come from inside, and I don't know if W will ever get there no matter who she is with or without.
step 2. if someone is not interested in you, move on to the next. that maybe the only change you really need to make.
what is so attractive about someone who isn't interested to you? it seems like they need to be making some changes and get with the program.
I hear you McQ, but the whole DB thing stresses making changes, doing 180's. Everyone here also talks about making changes. I have been thinking along your lines for quite a while now. Why should I change into someone I am not to attract someone? I want someone who values me for, well, me.
I guess what is so attractive about the WAS is the GREAT life we used to have, or at least I thought we had. It is hard to accept that it is lost and having to start over, especially with kids. There is still a great life ahead, but it can be hard to see the forest sometimes, for all the trees that are in the way at the moment.
if someone is not interested in you, move on to the next. that maybe the only change you really need to make.
what is so attractive about someone who isn't interested to you? it seems like they need to be making some changes and get with the program.
I know that this view is sometimes advocated on the board, but I don't think that the DR view of moving on with one's life (GAL/non-pursuit) is necessarily the same as moving on to the next [person]. I was wrong to have my EAs while I was married and living with W, and I also feel it would be wrong to have EAs/PAs while married, but separated, from W. Maybe I'm just a prude?
I also am not sure that simply being uninterested in the WAS is the right approach in WAS cases spawned by severe neglect (compulsive gaming). After all, you were uninterested in the spouse while you were neglecting them, and they apparently did not find that attractive since they are WA...It seems there needs to be an interest in something new and healthy (i.e., a change on your part)?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
if someone is not interested in you, move on to the next. that maybe the only change you really need to make.
what is so attractive about someone who isn't interested to you? it seems like they need to be making some changes and get with the program.
I know that this view is sometimes advocated on the board, but I don't think that the DR view of moving on with one's life (GAL/non-pursuit) is necessarily the same as moving on to the next [person]. I was wrong to have my EAs while I was married and living with W, and I also feel it would be wrong to have EAs/PAs while married, but separated, from W. Maybe I'm just a prude?
I also am not sure that simply being uninterested in the WAS is the right approach in WAS cases spawned by severe neglect (compulsive gaming). After all, you were uninterested in the spouse while you were neglecting them, and they apparently did not find that attractive since they are WA...It seems there needs to be an interest in something new and healthy (i.e., a change on your part)?
Not a prude, just a different viewpoint.
Perhaps you are correct in cases of severe neglect, but whatever the case, the WAS has no interest in your (my) interest in them at the moment. Everything we do seems to push them further away. We are "smothering" them. They "need space". So give it to them. Perhaps their perception of the situation wasn't completely accurate. The grass is not always greener. Perhaps giving them the "space" they need allows them to figure out how wrong they are.
I guess that doesn't have to mean dating while you are still married, but I have seen here that is what it sometimes takes to snap WAS out of the fog. The realization thay they may truly HAVE finally lost you and can no longer control you.
Personally, I think it would also help me move past this stage in my life. I'm still on the fence. I have signed-up for a couple of dating sites, but I haven't had any dates. It has made me feel better about what to expect from life after D though just from seeing that there are attractive women available out there.
I guess each person has to make his own decision that he can live with in this situation.
I have an off the topic question and it is after all open mic Friday. Are you and John28 in competition with on who has the most threads? I see you are on number 4 and John28 if he is not married to the Professor Cat Woman yet will be starting his fourth thread soon.
Yeah, Busto pointed out how many posts I have. I haven't looked to see how many threads. Pathetic. And I'm sure with the good attention of sgctox, I'll have to start another thread pretty soon...
