Hi Kissak, Just caught up with the last few pages in your sitch.....I know that this took a lot of strength to do what you did...If it's any help I will add that I would have done the same thing...
MLC or not I couldn't tolerate what he did. You reclaimed your dignity...good for you...now the ball is in his court....can he ever become the man you deserve? Only time will tell.
I know it's hard right now...but you have a rare inner strength....that strength allowed you to endure this for so long...use it now to heal you, to help you move forward.
My thoughts are with you...you are a very special lady...you will be OK.
(((hugs)))
Mila
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you Eric. You are right. People can change and I can change my mind at any time. I would never say never.
Honestly I dont know that I could ever trust him again. It would take alot and I do mean alot of openess on his side. He is a very lost soul right now. I pray for him every day. I still love him. I still will treat him with kindness because that is who I am and he deserves kindness. Some people find that hard to believe, but he is just human. We all make mistakes in this life. He is a good man and has a good heart and I can trust him with anything, other than at being faithful. And that is what I need, want and deserve.
Thank you Mila...it did take alot of strength for me to do this. I just think I was afraid to let go. Right now, honestly I feel so relieved, so much better...I cant explain it really. Its not like before when he left me...I wake up and it actually takes me a minute to think "oh, wait he dont live here anymore". That hole isnt quite as big in my heart as before.
I feel good about this step. I know he has a problem and it werent with me! Maybe before I always thought it was me.
Im having a good morning. Im sure at some point though it will hit me again and I will just have to remember to think good thoughts...
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
It is tough to live in the limbo that you have been living in. You deserve much better. You have to let him go completely for now. Cut off all contact and protect yourself legally. You know that you have done everything possible that you could have to save the marriage. He is making choices, bad choices but he is still responsible for them. You have to step back, love yourself and those children.
Hugs Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Honestly I dont know that I could ever trust him again. It would take alot and I do mean alot of openess on his side.
1) You will be amazed at what YOU can do after healing. 2) To me, at some point it is less about TRUSTING HIM and MORE about TRUSTING YOURSELF. Trusting YOURSELF to make the right choices for YOU. 3) Openess/transparency and honesty are the building blocks to true healthy R’s. In time these things can happen BUT first Kissak, you must heal.
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He is a very lost soul right now.
Yes he IS and HE may be for a very long time. At this point his issues are HIS to deal with.
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I pray for him every day.
Good – just don’t forget to pray for YOURSELF and for others - count me in that mix 
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I still love him.
You probably always will. As hard as it is, separate the recent difficulties in your M from the good times and really give thanks for what was. The bad stuff…let it go the best way you can.
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I still will treat him with kindness because that is who I am and he deserves kindness.
We all deserve kindness. This does not mean be a doormat, it simply means that you show love to all. Love can be shown in many ways…one way is to let go.
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Some people find that hard to believe,
Fu*k what anyone else says….It is what YOU think that matters. What you feel in YOUR heart that matters. One of my fav sayings…..”opinions are like as*holes, everybodies got one”. The only opinion that matters is YOURS Kissak.
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but he is just human. We all make mistakes in this life. He is a good man and has a good heart and I can trust him with anything, other than at being faithful.
We are all human. All faulty human beings. No on is perfect and honestly, IMO, we should never strive to be perfect. Just whole and healthy people. Your H has made mistakes as have you. I pray that YOU will continue to come to these boards and post about YOU. About the realizations that YOU are having about YOURSELF.
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And that is what I need, want and deserve.
Yes you do. You deserve all the happiness in the world. We all do AND it is OUR responsibility to find this happiness.
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I just think I was afraid to let go.
We always are afraid to let go. I think it is our human nature. Now that you have let go, I hope you realized that YOU just faced ONE of YOUR fears. You faced it and you are still standing. Remember this the next time fear rears it’s ugly head. You can face them Kissak, You can face anything, insecurities, job concerns, finances…anything can be faced – at the end of the day, it usually is HOW you look at things. One early DB lesson, “change how you look at it”. In your case, is this the end or a NEW BEGINNING?
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Right now, honestly I feel so relieved, so much better...I cant explain it really.
IMO, you feel relieved BECAUSE YOU made a CHOICE. YOU Faced YOUR fear and deep down inside you feel proud of yourself. Yes you are grieving and you are hurt BUT you stood up and said enough. FWIW, I am proud of you Kissak. Now you have more steps to take. What are they?
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Maybe before I always thought it was me.
It funny how when you break the codependency habits and realize just how special you are, that things look different. Now, it’s really about YOU kissak. Now this is YOUR….
New Beginning – one that you write….
Remember – all of this, everything…
YOUR CHOICE!
Someone once said to me early on in this process that I decide when it is over. Do you understand now how all along, it was your decision.
It’s all YOU kissak – you got this girl!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
They need a *like* button on this board. Trusting has just said it all.
It is difficult to cut off all contact when there are children involved but you can absolutely limit the contact to discussions about the children only.
I know you will take care of yourself because you know you must in order to be strong for your two cuties. You have grown so much and have a confidence about you that is to be proud of.
*hugs* ~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
you chose to step off the rollercoaster. .. big step my friend.. BIG ONE!! Now it is time to NOT think about him.. "if he is going to work on himself," or he needs help.. none of it matters.
it is time for YOU to GROW - find STABILITY and really really learn that you can do this.
Proud of you -- and thinking of you at this very hard time.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Im having a great past couple of days. Went with my son to OBX yesterday, had a great time!! Of course its always beautiful out there!
I find everytime I think about my H and HIS problems I make myself turn the focus on ME. I start thinking about me and thats a good thing.
I know that I just need to let my H go and let God deal with him...probably everytime in the past that God did decide to deal with him I decided to take things into my own hands and interfer! Well, not no more. Im still praying for him, but Im enjoying my life for now.
Its going to be a beautiful day here in the east....gonna enjoy the weekend with my kids and also have some "me" time!!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I am glad your spirits are high. We really don't know what is going to happen in our lives. I believe we have to let go of the things in our lives that our toxic. Your ex is toxic right now. You are a wonderful, beautiful, person who has given this ride the best effort I have ever seen. Your ex has to let God heal him, not you.
I am so much more at peace then I ever was because of something someone said to me. She said you can still love your ex and hold him in your heart. That will never change and no one can take that away from you. Focus on all the wonderful memories and let him go. He may or may not want to return, but he is still in your heart.
Love Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
(not really, I did tear up a little)