Well, instead of sitting down in a nice restaurant getting to know someone new -- it was postponed -- I am reading emails from my L. They just came in.
All along I've said I won't do anything to push the D along -- and now I am. I told him to send a letter asking them to come up with a proposal on the house and the remaining issues.
Waiting isn't stopping the D train and each one of these court appearances cost me $250.
Since I don't have dinner to go to, I'll head to the church group. I need to clear my head.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Had a conversation with an attorney in my church group. I realized I'm trying to have it both ways.
I've never wanted the divorce so early on I adopted a stance that I will not lift a finger to move it along. If STBXW wants a divorce then it's up to her. When she tried to talk to me about house issues, I refused to talk. I've, for the most part, only reacted.
Now, I'm frustrated that nothing seems to be getting resolved.
I can't have it both ways. I can either continue the original path of not being an active participant so years from now when discussing this I can tell the girls I never wanted a divorce and tried everything I could to stop it. Or I can -- as my friend said -- talk to STBXW or email her and try to get some things resolved and get this going.
In the end, even if it's not the smartest thing financially, I'm going to follow the first path. I did not want the divorce -- not until all avenues to save it were exhausted -- so it's STBXW's job to divorce me.
I realize this is not smart. I just can't discuss divorce with STBXW. I just can't.
Funny. Originally, tonight was going to be the first post-STBXW real date and instead it became all about the D and a dead romance.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
[quote=whatisis Yet you think dating at this time is a good idea! [/quote]
Yeah. I don't care how unpopular it makes me, I am never going to get this sort of thing. I'm too old for such nonsense, and I've already done those sort of things (well, not while married), so I'd be a hypocrite if I said it makes you a bad person, but... based on my observations and personal experience, this whole, "I have no confidence because my entire idea of self-worth was tied up in my relationship, and once that was gone, I was reduced to a needy doormat, so I am going to date to find somebody else to make me feel like I have some worth and help me get over my seperation anxiety" approach doesn't work for me.
One thing I really like about myself is my integrity. I am who I say I am, and I have some self-control, and I am perfectly confident I can be happy all by myself if I happen to be by myself, so I'm going to close one door before I open another one.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I don't think CTH is being disingenuous with anyone, I think he's just a person, like the rest of us, dealing with a horrible situation which he has had no previous experience in dealing with. He wants to push forward and feel he's getting on with life but also has this underlying pain that keeps popping up. I empathize with that. I just don't think it's the right time for him to be getting out there and dating. What do you say to your date "Yes, I'm separated but I'm doing everything possible to keep the divorce from happening because I don't want it...now, let's talk about you!" Uh, I don't see any second dates coming and if there are CTH should run the other way! Sometimes we all think "I'm ready" and then we get sideswiped by emotions that we weren't expecting. CTH is an action man, he likes to keep pushing forward and, in my opinion, shoves those awkward hurting emotions down deep inside. Yet, when the reality of the big D comes up they shoot to the surface incredibly fast. CTH you can't have it both ways here either, you either stick to your original plan, which means no dating, or you work with wife to end the marriage in the best way possible and then get out there a boogie...or whatever you want to do! I feel for you CTH, I really do! Just please don't date till you're really done.
Here's what worries me. I don't think I'll ever be truly "done."
I posted this a long, long time ago. I still have feelings for my first girlfriend, college girlfriend and the lady I dated before STBXW. When I fall, I fall hard.
So I don't think I'll ever see STBXW without some pain, some sense of "what happened."
A co-worker told me he and his first wife divorced after about eight years. He has been remarried for nearly 20 years. He said everything about the second marriage is better than the first. Yet, not a single week goes by that he doesn't think about the first wife.
My worry is that if I wait until I completely process the pain and get over this I will be very, very old and gray.
Better, for me at least, to move forward by filling my days and putting time between us.
That is a good question on what I would say on any potential date.
As you know the first date has been postponed so if and when I have that conversation, I guess my answer would be along the lines of ... "The divorce isn't final, and I'm not sure when it will be. I'm not pushing anything because she's the one who filed, but I'll be happy when it's over."
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Better, for me at least, to move forward by filling my days and putting time between us.
Is it fair to whoever you date to just be considered your "filling"? I hope you will be very open with the women you are meeting on line or elsewhere about the fact that you're not looking for a R, you're just "filling your time" otherwise, it's misleading to women who may be genuinely looking for a real R. Good luck with it.
CTH, You are always going to have feelings for your wife. Always. She was a huge part of your life and left an imprint on your heart. As for feeling that you will never be done -- Idk what the future is but I do know that with time you are going to mend. It's clear though that you haven't let go if you are doing nothing to push the D forward and don'to plan to.
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
As you know the first date has been postponed so if and when I have that conversation, I guess my answer would be along the lines of ... "The divorce isn't final, and I'm not sure when it will be. I'm not pushing anything because she's the one who filed, but I'll be happy when it's over."
This is a very honest/commendable thing to say, but I can almost guarantee you won't be having 2nd dates. No offense, but ti's true. Because if the women you date want to "date" and want something more than "friendship," that is not going to fly.
