Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have opened up my eyes by telling me that I had a chip on my shoulder, that I still had anger & resentment. Maybe it was better hearing it from people I don't know. You can be objective. None of my friends,family or therapists told me that.
I know I wouldn't have wanted to hear about all my negatives and I finally realized how that pushed my husband away.
I also learned not to have any expectations.
Being kind & compassionate was always in my heart and I have basically treated him like that for the most part. I knew I couldn't lead a life of hatred in me.
CREED, I don't know what it was but it was what you wrote and how you worded it that really made an impact on me. I don't know what your voice sounds like, but I had a mental image of kind, sweet person talking to me very softly & calmly. Hearing about your experience helped me.
I am going to end this by saying, I did talk to my husband last night. He came over. I apologized to him for all the negativity over the years. I also mentioned how I was wrong since July 1st. He wanted to take it slow and I just wanted him back. I was being impatient.
I told him that I don't know what will ever happen to us but at least we know we will always love each other and be friends. For now, that is good enough. He was so thrilled. He kept hugging. He said, " I will never love anyone like you. We created such great sons and have many wonderful memories."
We both agreed we are who we are for better or worse and we shall see how it all plays out.
By the way, he is coming with me on Sat. with our friends to NYC to see RAIN. I told him I would not have a meltdown in front of friends. I will be happy that he is there but maybe a small part of me will be wishing we weren't a couple anymore. I had to be honest. He said he wanted to go with me.
Maybe you don't think it was wise of me to do that but as Creed said to me, I have to do what is right for me. I have to stop listening to so many opinions.
On that note, I will not be returning to this forum. I have enough tools to know what I have to do for myself - Be Patient is the key. No Expectations of H. No More Negative Comments and bringing up past hurts.
If I stumble, I only have myself to blame. I am human, not perfect.
Where this will lead me I don't know. But as my H and I agreed, we don't want a life of arguing anymore. We want to be happy & peaceful.
I am not saying that maybe I will decide to divorce. I just don't know. I am living day to day as if it was my last day.
As my oldest son told me months ago, " Mom, it will get better. I don't know what better is, but it will get better."
