Cat4554 - I have not forgotten you Cat4554...I had a really long day at work and need to process your post. I will respond to you tomorrow. Ok? Hang tight....
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I don't know how the two of you originally decided to go out..whose idea it was, etc. I guess that would figure in to how I would handle it. If it was your idea..I believe I would hold off, and this is why. You still aren't sure that you can just be friends with him, and nothing more. Unless you have definitively decided this in your heart/mind, it might be playing with dynamite. And believe me, after your meltdown, he realizes this too, and that's why he ran. You don't want to do something that makes him think you're doing it just to be with him...regardless if it's hurting or not.
You have to be in 'that place' that it really does mean 'just friends' and nothing more. Otherwise he'll pick up on it no matter how good of an actor you try to be. Down the road..who knows, but that's not what you want to be concerned about right now anyway. Besides, even if you did go out with your friends, with your H along, it still isn't going to feel like 'the old days', is it? You'll be sitting there wondering why it can't feel like the old days...when everything seemed so normal and right. It won't feel like that at all, I'll guarantee you. You'll be on your guard, and he'll be on his.
This was a recent meltdown, and only when you know for a certainity that you will NOT meltdown again, is it safe to consider doing something as a couple with people that are friends of both of you. I've been there. It is not comfortable trying to act 'normal' when you know darn well it's not the normal you were so accustom to.
Some type of an outing where you both will be active doing something, and not have to make a lot of conversation...a safe setting, where you're enjoyment comes mainly from the activity, and not so much from being together would be a lot safer..and could make for a new positive memory for both of you.
Somewhere down the road, when your feelings are more stable, you can always say "Friend, sorry I melted down" I'm working on it. Thank you for understanding." I bet he'll appreciate your honesty and look forward to seeing that change...but remember, he WILL be watching to see if you're actually able to change. So again, make sure you are doing it for YOU, not him.
Enjoy the weekend with your friends. If HE would happen to ask about going, then go with your heart, and don't try to analyze any of it. Just remember...silence can be golden, as hard as it is to do. I swear, if ANYTHING positive came out of my situation, it was that I learned to keep my mouth shut, and just listen. No small feat. LOL
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
[quote=Creed] Besides, even if you did go out with your friends, with your H along, it still isn't going to feel like 'the old days', is it? You'll be sitting there wondering why it can't feel like the old days...when everything seemed so normal and right. It won't feel like that at all, I'll guarantee you. You'll be on your guard, and he'll be on his.
(quote]
This is true...see, I do go back & forth about being friends with him. 2 weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with me and our youngest son. He got all choked up and said YES. But I realize, that it will be hard on me as well. What would have been my 30th wedding anniversary is coming up on Nov. 8th. I know he won't contact me but the romantic in me keeps hoping that he would miss me enough to call or see me.
Yeah, my emotions / feelings are still all over the place. I admit that. God, I wish it would end. Like I said, my friend said it would take a year. So I am guessing until March. That is when he left.
Creed, you seem so wise. Did you ask for the divorce ? How long did you wait before you got divorce ?
My xh , in hindsight, was more than I could have asked for in so many way, but was never what I thought he was in other ways. ... And once you truly forgive them, and they repeat the bad behavior, it seems like you'll never be able to trust them again...and would you be willing to try? I took a lot for granted over the years, but I was also wearing rose-colored glasses in other areas of the relationship.
Not sure what you meant by the above. Did he reconcile with you and then left again ? May I ask what did you mean by saying you were looking thru rose colored glasses? So you and your XH are not friendly towards each other? Is that because you took him back and he left you again ? Your children have no contact ? Our sons are 27 & 23 and they barely contact me but I know they contact him less. That's because they are men and have a life of their own. BUT I am thinking that they don't contact me everyday. I hear from them about once a week or 2 weeks.
Would I be able to contact you in a regular email ? I really like what you wrote to me.
Cat your situation is similar to mine. My H and I remained somewhat close throughout his MLC (not that his MLC is over but he's at least peeking out). Despite my knowledge of an OW, he continued to text me, email me etc. Very few phone calls unless necessary. We continued to do things together only when dealing with D (school events etc). That's a very hard thing to do unless you are detached enough to do so. The proximity of the man that looks and feels like your H is hard when you know that he is NOT your H right now. His brain is in MLC-land.
I get the sense that you are still very insecure with yourself and the situation. Concentrate on that. Focus on YOU. Your H may continue to contact you. If you have the strength, that's OK. You can be friends but it cannot be an act. You must genuinely only be HIS friend meaning that he is NOT yours. That's the hard part. Do NOT ask him to events, do NOT talk about yourself, do NOT talk about the R. It's not fair but in the MLC world its all about him. If you are strong enough to do that, I think they DO appreciate it but will never tell you. But you MUST work on yourself.
In one of your posts you mentioned that this will take a year. You don't know that. It may be less, it may be more. There are some H who never really snap out of it. You can't go on wondering. You must move on for yourself. Detachment is allowing his moods and emotions to NOT affect yours. If you will maintain regular contact it can make it much more difficult. That's why staying away is often the best medicine for YOU. You're not "playing" hard to get. This isn't a game. This isn't a ploy. Work on YOU and improve the things about YOU that need work. It's hard to look inwards and REALLY see yourself and your faults. But that is the best thing for you right now.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have opened up my eyes by telling me that I had a chip on my shoulder, that I still had anger & resentment. Maybe it was better hearing it from people I don't know. You can be objective. None of my friends,family or therapists told me that.
I know I wouldn't have wanted to hear about all my negatives and I finally realized how that pushed my husband away.
I also learned not to have any expectations.
Being kind & compassionate was always in my heart and I have basically treated him like that for the most part. I knew I couldn't lead a life of hatred in me.
CREED, I don't know what it was but it was what you wrote and how you worded it that really made an impact on me. I don't know what your voice sounds like, but I had a mental image of kind, sweet person talking to me very softly & calmly. Hearing about your experience helped me.
I am going to end this by saying, I did talk to my husband last night. He came over. I apologized to him for all the negativity over the years. I also mentioned how I was wrong since July 1st. He wanted to take it slow and I just wanted him back. I was being impatient.
I told him that I don't know what will ever happen to us but at least we know we will always love each other and be friends. For now, that is good enough. He was so thrilled. He kept hugging. He said, " I will never love anyone like you. We created such great sons and have many wonderful memories."
We both agreed we are who we are for better or worse and we shall see how it all plays out.
By the way, he is coming with me on Sat. with our friends to NYC to see RAIN. I told him I would not have a meltdown in front of friends. I will be happy that he is there but maybe a small part of me will be wishing we weren't a couple anymore. I had to be honest. He said he wanted to go with me.
Maybe you don't think it was wise of me to do that but as Creed said to me, I have to do what is right for me. I have to stop listening to so many opinions.
On that note, I will not be returning to this forum. I have enough tools to know what I have to do for myself - Be Patient is the key. No Expectations of H. No More Negative Comments and bringing up past hurts.
If I stumble, I only have myself to blame. I am human, not perfect.
Where this will lead me I don't know. But as my H and I agreed, we don't want a life of arguing anymore. We want to be happy & peaceful.
I am not saying that maybe I will decide to divorce. I just don't know. I am living day to day as if it was my last day.
As my oldest son told me months ago, " Mom, it will get better. I don't know what better is, but it will get better."
