.Cas, is it possible that MIL and FIL really amplified your mixed feelings about H? That must have been very difficult. I've gotten to the point where I can't really talk to most of my friends about standing for my XH.
Yes! I think my MIL forgets that I have feelings. She thinks I should be friendly with H but that is all. She doesn't get that there's a very fine line there. When she said H likes living on his own I thought that was a message that told me I had no place with him. That may well have amplified my feelings.
I don't talk to anyone else about standing either. People just think you're crazy!!
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I know that even if I give up on XH, I am not healed enough to get into another R right now.
Ditto! I guess the healing only takes place with space. The matchmaker friends think that finding a new partner will take away your pain and then you'll have moved on emotionally.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I'm thinking about you Cas and I will say a prayer for you tonight. Wish I was closer so we could chat over some coffee.
Thank you GAG. I really appreciate that. I've got a feeling that we might start with a morning coffee and we'd have so much chatting we'd have to order lunch, too!
Thanks, too for the reading assignments! I have done my reading and am absorbing the points taken.
Lots on atm so at least I don't have time to be thinking too much about things. What I do know is that we were getting along so well....better than we have in 4 years. I honestly think H got scared because he enjoyed our time together as well. He has 'acted out' because he knows I will notice and be hurt and that it will allow him to back off. Then he asks for the settlement stuff via email and that's the sign he uses for me that he's never changed his mind. His outward signs are, "I don't need you!" However, because he's not totally detached he helps with D at a moment's notice cheerfully, offers me tomatoes and brings my bins up after collection.
Gotta fly....work is calling. Thanks for your ongoing support GAG
When my XH left the only thing he said was "I was happier when I lived (alone) on Stevens Avenue". This to me sounds like someone who is depressed and doesn't have the energy/capacity to negotiate all of the everyday things someone has to in a R. When you wrote what you did about your H preferring to live alone it reminded me of what MY H/XH said.
Remember............believe none of what they say and only half of what they do.
I asked H via text if he was coming to weekly dinner. He said yes unless he had to work.
I received an email from MIL who suggested I was at fault on H's birthday. She told me that I should move on and not do things for H or have him do things for me and that my only contact should be about the kids. She said that they would no longer come to family dinners and I should get the settlement done asap. I could have responded to the points made but I said sorry and left it at that.
So I feel at a crossroads. I'm doubting myself big time now and feeling I should just sever the ties and move on.
How could H's birthday have been your fault? I mean really...
H was in a funk from the git go....This woman should not be putting the blame on you...What is her real problem with you?
Does she understand that you do not ask H for anything? Does she know that it is H who comes to you? It has been H offering and doing. It is H, who for weeks on end now, has made a point of keeping in regular contact. You asking H if he still plans on showing up for your already planned weekly dinners is not necessarily pursuing, it is courtesy on your part...even if simply making sure there is plenty of food for all.
H invited you to his birthday. H invited you to the dinner you all had a couple of weeks back. H has made all the moves to reconnect to you in all avenues!!!
I have to wonder now....What were the conversations between H and his M? I have a sneaking suspicion that H's funk is her fault!!
Cas, pay her no attention at this point. She is trying to hurt you. Common sense should be telling her to stay out of it. This actually makes me angry :Z!!
Cas, you should continue to follow your heart in this matter. I would give it a few weeks to let the dust settle from their visit. Their visit obviously has impacted H. Let's see how he behaves during the dinner this week.
(((((Cas)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Should you mention email to H? Very good question.
My instinct would be to save it for now (don't delete). Wait and see H's mood at dinner.
I wonder if he would be appreciative of her meddling or would it anger him....
I think at dinner, I would mention how nice it was to see them and see if I could rise a conversation about their visit with him. At some point, if you can get him talking you could casually mention the email. IDK, this is a tough one...
My motives and moves always were against rocking any boat with my H....FWIW
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thank you. I appreciate that. Your words have been a salve for me tonight. I was feeling quite emotionally battered.
MIL has already replied to my apology wishing me a nice weekend and has sent me another sentimental email which I deleted. I feel she has just spewed all over me so she feels good so it's all ok. It's not but I'm not having an email dispute cos it will only be my fault. She doesn't know my journey or the pain I have felt cos she's never been there. She's not known the reconnection H and I have had.
She thinks it's my fault cos I suggested stopping in the second town. Reality is I suggested it cos it's a nice place and I thought they would all enjoy it.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Cas, pay her no attention at this point. She is trying to hurt you. Common sense should be telling her to stay out of it. This actually makes me angry :Z!!
The funny thing is MIL told me in the email that she doesn't interfere with her kids cos it's none of her business. Then she proceeded to advise me on what I should do!!
I love my FIL to death. He stays out of things. We don't discuss his son or our sitch. I know he loves me. MIL's are another story. For one thing, they never stop mothering. We are, or will be at some point, all guilty of that. But I believe that unless a MIL has been through this herself, she doesn't have the slightest idea how to give advice to you, her DIL. She simply can't understand. There certainly can't be anything wrong with her baby, so therefore, despite how she loves you, it must be you.
In her own way, she is probably trying to ease your pain, as she sees it; but unless she went through this, and there has to be some out there that have, she just doesn't understand.
Cas, you are a brave and honest person. Sometimes the papercuts hurt worse than the gunshot wounds.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
You're right Punkin, she has no idea and I think there is a degree of MIL thinking she's fixing things as she sees fit. MIL sees my involvement as impeding her forgiveness and relationship with H and now ow.
I am in two minds as what to do........ 1. Follow MIL's advice and sever all ties with H. I've been up and down on this rollercoaster for long enough. 2. Do nothing. H is a big boy and he can make his own decisions.
Either way I need to distance myself from MIL and I think NC is the most appropriate action for now. I think I am most annoyed that our relationship has spanned 30 years and when she feels I have done the wrong thing the best she can manage is an email. And I wonder why H has communication issues!!
Hi, your mother in law really is a peice of work! Why on earth you are giving her head space? You are challenging the way she has rearranged her strange little world, and it would be so much easier if you could revert to being the way she thinks you ought to be! Otherwise she might have to think
These MLC people usually had poor parenting.
I certainly would not tell your h. He has enough to deal with managing the endgame of his MLC. And as for following your MIL's advice. Well you don't seem crazy to me, but if you did I would have to wonder. It is nothing to do with her. It was a peice of gross and insensitive impertinence to on her part to intervene and the only thing to do is ignore it,and try to feel compassion for someone with so litle sense.
