MLC or not?

[25yearsmlc]

No I can't separate my name from the card. I already tried a long time ago. The only way to get him to pay 1/2 and to be responsible for being on time is if we get a legal separation and my L said that it is $750 just for the master's fees and that our county doesn't like legal separation. They would just rather go for the D. I don't have that kind of money anyway.


Goodfight,
WelI, last I posted to you was in April I think. Just wanted to stop by to check up on you and give you a pep talk. But this is going to be a long one. GF, From what I'm reading here, other than minor changes in forms of communication, like texting versus the phone, it looks as if You have done virtually nothing different in your inner work, or to create a HAPPY future without h, since you first posted.

Sweetie, you are STUCK, and that's b/c it's STILL almost all about HIM!!

It's still all about what or Why HE might be doing/feeling/planning to do, OR it's whether he's in "MLC", MLC 'replay' OR is he a WAS vs MLC vs OW, and if so, what does that mean? OR if he's in a "stage" of either of those AND whether he'll come back (as if we know "the secret" that tells us what % chance there is)

OR it's about whether he's only dealing with Clinical depression, OR if he's got the Wrong medication OR the wrong diagnosis OR it if changed, OR about his childhood issues, OR it's about his evil family AND OR how they might feel about you AND OR how that might "make" HIM feel about you, OR it's about how your h might hurt the kid's feelings (again), OR it's about how bad and tight money is b/c: he's so unpredictable that you don't know if you'll be able to make ends meet, you cannot rely on him for child support or maintenance b/c you have no set amount or court order , and you don't earn enough as it is with a job and a half?...Sounds like you cannot afford to stay m to him.

As MANY have told you, His diagnosis, prognosis, or height, weight, childhood issues, medication, status as a WAS vs a MLCer in or out or replay OR whether he's a "flat earth society" member [b]make NO DIFFERENCE in what YOU must do. So you can stop ALL the endless questions none of us can answer. They truly do not matter.
Your GAL and PMA plan have to be the same regardless of what HIS sitch is...do you get that? Don't you see that his "why?'s are Not relevant b/c your behavioral changes are necessary no matter what He's doing or feeling? Have you actually read the DB books? I'm not trying to be mean but have you? Some of the same cycling you do is just too much with too few steps forward.
Time will reveal whether he changes but you may still NEVER understand what or why things happened. And So what? Life is short.

My h and I have reconciled now for a good 2+ years. I don't know why my h did what he did and I doubt he knows. I stopped caring. I only care about what IS and what will be created by us together. The past is over and you have to lose the scorecard and stop bringing up all the past injuries.

I don't mean that you are doing it to keep score of him, so much as you think it's to "understand the history" as if it's change something, but it keeps you stuck in the past and avoiding the choices you have got to begin making ASAP.

My biggest regret in my sitch is that I spent far far too much time obsessing about why my h was doing whatever he was doing, instead of creating my new life without h, and with my kids, living happily. I finally got there, but I wasted so much time in pain that was NOT necessary or fair to my kids.
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After 2 years in this exact same sitch, what terms have you two worked out? You say you are barely getting by, but you also say you cannot afford to divorce him b/c you cannot save up $750 to file, (Really? After this long?? If you wanted to file, you could file). Which is it? You cannot afford to stay married, sort of, OR you cannot afford to divorce OR you don't want to make a choice? (PLEASE NOTE---Not taking action IS a choice and it does have consequences. You are responsible for that).

His mood swings and nuttiness MAY be under the control of chemicals or misfiring synapses, or he's simply a moody WAS or MLCer...but why make your life and your kid's lives, completely subject to THAT?? Frankly I don't think it matters a lick WHY he's not there anymore. He's gone and has been for awhile.
I filed for a separation but I did it not do it as a tactic, but b/c I had had enough, and ALL ELSE had failed. Plus I wanted to protect our assets before he "invested" them in a scheme of his hero's. I'd say in your shoes, you are doing the "feel like crap & wait" approach, and letting your kids do it too, for too long.

Why aren't you all living lives you want to live, with fun, happiness, laughter, new people in it, and NO nasty chaos? What's it going to take before you get SO sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, that YOU CHANGE your life?

Your children are in a precarious financial position and you're letting them hang out there with you on the limb with a very irresponsible, possibly sick but definitely UNavailable man, holding all the cards. You are so familiar with chaos and stress that you "WAIT AROUND" hoping and stressing and pining and worrying...and not changing a damn thing in your life.

Take some power back. Stop letting him and his weird mood swings affect every member of your household. You have to "woman up" to this and take care of your kids and your own future. Get a new job or a better one or train for one so you don't feel so trapped. Imagine if your h had died and enough time had passed for you to start living your life happily.

What would that look like? Get detailed please. What activities would you be doing? How would you dress differently, if so? Would you take jogs or walks or attend a zumba class or other dance movement class? Would you date? Would you read more (or different) books or see films or go to the library or volunteer at a pet place, or a women's shelter, or an old folks home or hospice? ALL These things are cheap or free.. You can start some of these today. Seize the day.

I KNOW you're depressed but you know there's more to that than brain chemistry. Been there, done that. I get it. But I took people's advice b/c I did not want to keep feeling sick & tired. Sometimes it's "fake it til you make it". You come here asking for advice but it's only the tiny minute things you act on.

The big picture stuff like GAL, having a PMA, getting help to change your depressed state-taking your T's advice on cognitive work too-- and planning a future for yourself without your h, are skimmed. BUT that's the real work you have to do. Until you do this work, the rest of this is wasting precious time. Life is short. your kids are going to be out of the house soon. What are their memories of home life going to be like?

You've gotten some great advice here. Start taking the advice. Stop saying you "can't" or "HE WON'T..." and be in charge of your life from this day forward. And hey, It's a hell of a lot more attractive than being a needy, sad, angry woman with a low self esteem radiating...


Let him go. Work on you. Focus on yourself and reassuring your kids you're going to be there for them. Don't put them in a position to have to reassure YOU...they need you and you are the parent. You can do this. You are stronger than you know.


So now I have NO clue what to do about the card and him not paying. NC means not texting him and reminding him again this month, which is the only time I do contact him anymore. Any advice?

As for interactions with your h, even if only by a note to you, go ahead and ask him in a way that makes him live "up to" the obligation b/c you can ask in a way that reflects that you have faith in his meeting an obligation. Then when he pays, you THANK HIM. Yes, thank him even when he toots his horn. Why?

[color:#FF0000]I'll tell you why. My DB tasked me to do something I found very hard to do but damn it if it wasn't GREAT ADVICE, and darn if she wasn't right. She said "men need affirmation & an MLCer really does b/c he'll feel a lot of guilt, etc". Plus, in the event of a the Hope for a reconciliation, he needs to know that the road home is paved and smooth. To make it so, you need to "applaud loudly for the 1% of what he does that is positive..." so even if it's "the least" he can do, in your eyes, SAY "THANKS" and mean it. I know it's hard to do! But it matters.

Otherwise you are creating a mountain for him to climb by implying that so much water is under the bridge that nothing he can do would ever make it up to you or the kids...And he's come out and said that right to your face. My DB coach was brilliant and I'm telling you that even though I do not see signs your h wants back in, he DOES want your approval and validation. Don't withold it. That's a mistake even if it "feels right". That's anger talking.
You have made it clear you think he's let you down and devastated you and the kids big time. Though it is true that he has done that, it's not the time to bring it up since you claim you want a recon IF he gets healthy. So, applaud healthy steps even if they're baby steps. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU DONT' MOVE FORWARD GAL, AND IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU BECOME A SNIVELING DOORMAT...it just means what I said. Hope this 2 x 4 helps b/c you are in a dark place now, but you really can get out of there if you choose to.
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[color:#6600CC]Last time I texted him saying "H, loan is past due and if we don't pay it today we will be charged fees. Thanks W"

If he pays it, thank him and say it in a way that suggests you understand "times are tough all over and you really appreciate him keeping his word on it". It'd be a 180 and might encourage him to man up more. And it would contrast the negative image he has of you always being hard to please, with a warm woman who expresses gratitude for kindness and responsible gestures.