XH is marrying OW after only 5 months of D!!

[lea74]

Following on from the above, I had a text from XH during last week whilst I was in SA. It said:

'How is granny.'
I found this very interesting as he refered to her in the personal sense, not as my granny. XH has known her for 21 years as well and used to call her granny. Perhaps he is feeling a little left out - not sure?

I responded with just all the medical stuff.

He next response almost blew me away:
'Really sorry to hear that. That is the circle of life though. She has been a fabulous granny. Try to remember all the good memories. Take care. Send my regards to everyone. My thoughts are all with you during this difficult time.'

I didnt know what to make of this text. It was the kind of response he would have sent about 2 years ago - maybe even not. This kind of concern was always reserved for everyone else. I did know that OW was out of town so his texts were not being reviewed by her.

??????

[ShockedOne]

Lea, you are not alone in any of this. My XW time line was like this, EA started in May, bomb dropped in June, D was final in August, engagement was New Years, new marriage was in May. All in less than a full year. Had to make my S and D's heads spin. I know this is of no comfort to you, but you are not alone.
Shock

[lea74]

Thank you both. Quite frankly I think that their impending M is a joke. They obviously dont value M vows, as they both didnt value their own.

Gabbysmom, that is exactly how I feel. I dont want an immoral woman raising my children or having any hand in it whatsoever. I dont think she can have kids or doesnt want any, however likes to play mom every other weekend. I have always thought that her attraction to XH has been my kids, or maybe it was just her angle. Because she had to try really hard - 2 years to get him to leave me. And even then he cheated on her with me!!!!

As for XH, totally agree. I think my XH likes the idea of having a woman who totally idealises him and gives him all the attention he wants. (You cant do that with 2 kids, and a job) He also then like to play part time dad and look good to everyone.

All I can say is ....... I hope that they are very happy in their little fantasy world!!!!

[lea74]

My sons have been giving me a few more details re the impending wedding. I dont ask - my S8 seems to want to tell me so I just let him talk.

It is really funny as they want to get M in our home country (mine and XH). We had always said we would renew our vows there (ha ha) and I said jokingly that if I ever got remarried it would be there.

Very original!!!!

[lea74]

We have unfortunately had another incident last night. Whilst my sons were having a conversation with their dad it became evident that it was a conversation between, XH, the other woman and my sons. I asked my sons what was going on and the S10 hung up the phone. They obviously felt very uncomfortable with the situation so ended the conversation. They would then not take any further phone calls from their dad.

I texted XH and said to please give the boys a breather and call them again in the morning. (OW has previously been told not to contact the boys and that these phone calls are for their dad alone to continue their relationship.)

He then sent me a range of insulting texts and called the police who came at 9.30pm last night. He told them that he was concerned that I had hurt or abused my boys. This was obviously totally unneccessary and my sons had to called out of the bed to check they were okay. They were both very stressed and upset about it.

I have now since received quite a few texts from both XH and the other woman, which I feel are boardering on harrassment:

The content of the texts have been:

From XH:
You are a sack of sh*t. You dont deserve to be their mother.
U dont deserve the title of parent. U are an embarrassment to all those good parents. (this one came through twice)
Guess you did not realise that the boys have been speaking to us both for weeks. We will be calling in the morning.
Do you still take your meds or is it that you get a kick out of hurting your children ....

From OW:
Has it not got through to you yet that i will be married to Paul and officially be the boys stepmother. Hope you enjoyed your visit this evening. (I assume this means the police)
You would know what trash was. never met anyone who is such a low class in my life.
You absue your kids mentally and when they are older the will resent you.
Did I tell you that we are very happy and that the boys love being with us. I too will be a Mrs S van Kooten - its kind of funny.
Sweet dreams .... Hope you dont have night terrors - if so borrow S8 light that we bought him. It works well.

I am not sure how to deal with this. I keep trying to move forward however, then these happen and I feel I have to start all over again. It has unfortunately been like this for the past 18 months now and quite frankly it is enough. I am not prepared to condone their relationship or help to foster a relationship with their future step mom - this would be condoning adultery and I wont do it.

Am I being unreasonable?? Everyone tells me I have to accept her - however what needs to happen is that they accept me as the mother and the parent who stayed. I actually dont have to accept her!! I just have accept the fact that my XH is getting remarried and they will have a (wicked) stepmom.

[kml]

Lea, I guess I have a little different take on it.

No, their emails are completely inappropriate. BUT - I also think it was inappropriate of you to question the boys about who was on the phone. It puts them in an incredibly awkward position. And it ends up with you getting into a pissing match with those two whack jobs.

A better way to approach it might have been to ask the boys about it after the conversation was over. But truthfully, this is NOT something you are going to be able to control - she WILL be talking to them. And the more you make an issue out of it, the more a whack job like this chick will do it just to spite you. And the kids are the ones that suffer because of the friction between the adults.

I say, take the high road. Be Saint Lea. Don't say anything negative about him or her to your sons. Don't respond to their messages. AS long as those two can bond against YOU as their common enemy, it strengthens their bond. The less you engage with them, the more they'll start fighting with each other. And trust me, a woman this nasty probably won't last that long with him, once you step out of the picture.

But most importantly, don't let your sons get stuck in the middle. They have to deal with her, don't make them feel like they're betraying you in the process. Be their strong rock. And remember that living well is the best revenge. (My ex cannot believe that I am out playing drums in a rock band now - ha ha ha!)

Ellie

[kml]

I agree, it is harassing, BUT - they COULD make an argument that she was keeping them from talking to the kids. With people this crazy, Lea, you need to keep your nose CLEAN. Don't get in the gutter with them, be smooth and slippery and above reproach. Then document everything. Don't do ANYTHING that a judge could interpret against you.

[BobbiJo]

Oh Leah, this sucks. I am sorry you had to hear such garbage...

There is a song I love called The Voice of Truth. And it talks about always remembering the truth when others try to bring you down, frighten you, make you doubt yourself. You know what kind of mom you are so always remember that...

[lea74]

Hi all, you are all right. Firstly it is harrassment as this isnt the first time it has happened and quite frankly I am sick of it. She has been warned before and my S has suggested an injuction. I am not sure if I will go that far as I know it would cause an issue for my sons. Also she has been told by a judge, my L and the a court reporter that the purpose of the phone calls are for my XH to foster a relationship with my sons.

Honestly if she chatted to them on the a couple of times, I wouldnt mind. And have turned a blind eye before. HOwever, why XH feels the need to always include he in every conversation is beyond me. It actually goes further than that. Every decision he makes about my sons XH says he needs to refer to the OW, she has also gone to my sons school talks. He is trying to replace me with her. I had always thought that her attraction to XH was my kids.

Yes, she is sick and I do worry about my sons. They tolerate her - not like her. My sons are also scared of XH. (In fact he has been abusive before, I have never laid a finger on my sons. I dont believe in smacking).

I am trying to take the high road, and am trying to protect my sons and not to put them in the middle, however I am only human.

When incidents like this happen, I am so grateful that I dont have him in my life anymore. I have endured 21 years of emotional abuse and although it is now on a smaller scale I can manage it. better.

I have sent an email to my L detailing all the texts and will see what she says. We are actually in court on monday to discuss child contact so will bring this all up then.

Thanks for all the advise.

((( ))))

[lea74]

So I contacted my L this am. She has advised that I report it to the police and she will also write to them.

I never thought that the police would take my incident seriously, and honestly thought it would be something that I just had to tolerate. However, they have taken a statement from me and I have an appointment to see them on Sunday. They are starting a file of malicious communcation against them.

Hopefully now they will get the message and stop behaving as if they are above rules and the law. I will not tolerate that behaviour anymore.