Is it okay to date if divorce is filed?

[flowmom]

I was with and in love with my stbxh for 18 years, married for 10. I never dreamed that things would end this way.

We are still legally married, but it's just a piece of paper to me. Stbxh was DONE on Jan 3, 2010. And after 6 months of leaving the door open and DBing, so was I because it was crystal clear that there was no hope for reconciliation. IMO, it does take two to be married. If one person completely vacates the marriage physically and emotionally, then all you have left is the piece of paper. That isn't reason enough for me for me to live a nun-like existence for years -- I've already been nearly celibate and emotionally alone for years in my M .

I started dating 8 months after the separation. It's been mostly a wonderful experience. I've needed to express myself as a woman. I've also needed to prove myself that I can be attracted to and enjoy other men. It sounds stupid, but until dating I had trouble believing that I could feel that way about other men. It really helped to "break the spell" that stbxh had over me. My attachment to him was so strong that it was hard to break in a vaccuum.

I've done it as responsibly as I can under the circumstances:

* I did a LOT of personal work before and after the separation coming to terms with my life issues and taking significant steps to work on them, including grieving the marriage

* making it clear to suitors what my situation is, and not presenting myself as looking for or ready for a LTR

* dating separated fathers who are in a similar life stage and understand where I'm at with adjusting to life as a single parent, dealing with legal stuff, etc.

* my children are unaware of my dating

Yes, deal with your stuff before dating. But as humans we are designed to grow and evolve IN relationships, not to fix ourselves in isolation so that we can aspire to an idealized relationship.