In my experience, throwing in the consequence early on makes it heavier than needed, and less effective overall.
Now you're saying early on... before it was only as a last resort.
I should have been more clear. What was being expressed was that the reason I advocate not introducing them except as a last resort is because I have found that to be more effective (and hence introducing them before then as less effective).
Originally Posted By: Frank V
The debate now appears to be what kind of transgression or how many transgressions have to take place before a full boundary (with both components) are verbalized?
Not at all. Perhaps you are under the impression that I am suggesting one set the limit in exactly the same way, except without the consequence included. That would not work, and would likely produce the effect that is being suggested.
Repeating the same limit after one has previously been agreed to amounts to nagging. Rather, the issue becomes something else if that were to occur - namely the keeping of agreements.
Originally Posted By: Frank V
I think its important when dating to not be ridiculous.. If you are on a first date and someone takes out a cigarette and you don't want to be around smoking simply asking them not to do that while you are there is understandable...
I wouldn't even call that a boundary, its just stating a preference at that point...
I see it differently. It is more than a preference - indeed, it is laying the groundwork for teaching the other person how you wish to be treated. This is precisely where people get into difficulties in relationships.
Originally Posted By: Frank V
If the person does it anyways, after the preference is stated then I think its time to speak up...
If it is stated as a "preference" instead of a boundary, then it generally doesn't get to that point. And if it does, then it is not about smoking but about the fact that it was agreed to not smoke (presumably) and the agreement was broken.
Originally Posted By: Frank V
And no, i don't find it worrisome that you offer people advice.. I DO find it worrisome that your position keeps changing...
I am confused about which position has changed. Perhaps you would be willing to explain.
