So long, and thanks for the fish

[avermont]

Hi all-

Well, not doing too well. Crying jags. Have to keep the crying towel in the car again. Withdrawn, sorrowful.

I keep in touch with X's mom, mostly for intel, but also a bit just to keep in touch with someone I knew for 20 years.

Now, I know the email convo's with her aren't good for me. She has her own, shall we say, issues, and in general isn't very tactful, shall we say.

But I'm glad she told me about the Blessed Event.

I dug for more info; I had to. The unfurling of the Happy Event seems to be:

Wife-to-be announces (when mom-in-law-to-be was visiting last spring) that She wants a Baby! Mom is a bit stunned, as X always very clear about not wanting kids.

Mom says that X said later, that "he was OK with it" Seems like She caught sooner than they expected.

So, it was sort of the middle ground between: Surprise! I'm pregnant! And "I love you so much, please have my children." More of "if that's what the Love of My Life wants, fine."


So--we go from 20 years of DINK, life in a small tight community, cats, to...LAND ROVER..HOUSEWIFE (yes, he's supporting her) house in the SNOOTIEST part of VT (sort of like Scarsdale or Westchester County in NY, and... A DOG!!

Now, nothing against dogs, but X and I were always pretty clear that they are annoying, etc, require so much care, etc.

Mom says that the dog came with Wife, so it wasn't like they picked out the Golden Retriever Puppy together.

Next thing you know, he'll be voting Republican!! (apologies to any Republicans out there)

I have a date with my most supportive buddy on Saturday. I need it. I know I need to let go; minimize contact with Mom; focus on my life, not Theirs.

But criminy, this hurts SO much. I can't believe how much this hurts. Why?

I keep seeing it as a reflection on our life together. Like, he was happy drinking skim milk all his life, seemed good enough, pretty happy, but THEN--WOW!!! Whole Milk!! Who knew life could be this good? So fulfilling! So satisfying! What a waste those 20 years were!

I'm just knocked back several steps.

In 18 months this man:
met a woman. Had an affair. Moved out. Moved in with her. Bought a new house. Got pregnant. Got married. Changed jobs (within his company)

He met her, and was just DONE with me. CityGirl said it: when the WAS says he's "done" he means it. No prevarication, no hesitation, total clarity of vision to move on.

Pretty busy year, wouldn't you say?

I just keep adding up all the Life Stresses Points this year adds up to for him, and hoping he drops dead of a heart attack.

OK-I mostly wanted to share how much pain I am in. I'm trying not to lean too hard on my RL friends. But they are there for me.

time time time. All in good time.

Be well, all my friends! Enjoy this beautiful fall!

Aver