My wife did this too once I confronted her about the affair.. she started telling me details of everything... half of it was lies... She was just trying to throw me off the scent...
About his locations? Some yes, some no. I know about the kid event from his sister too though. Not from snooping, just came up in conversation. As far as the grown up parties, nope, and it doesn't do me any good to check. He hasn't said anything yet about wanting to work on our R.
Until then, I will just live my own life. He can deal with his own concequences when he gets around to it. I'm not his mom.
I'm going to be at my church's trunk-r-treat with my D anyway. He was invited, but isn't going with us. His loss, not mine.
BTW, I'm feeling prety detatched from H right now. It is kind of a good place for me. Spent evening watching a movie with my little girl. She gets really agressive right before she gets sick and got in trouble a bunch for hitting at daycare. Sure enough she started the runny nose just as soon as we got home. I scrapped my plans for tonight and let us both rest. It was nice. We deserved the break.
I knew things were going well enough that it was time to expect some pull back, and I got it today. I have posted before about using facebook to DB and maybe even make OW jealous. Since I am separated from my H, I decided to get creative. Anyway, today I noticed H took “married” off of his profile, as well as taking off his home city. He didn’t change it to divorced, separated, or in a relationship, just removed it. Other than that he hasn’t made any changes that I can see. No new posts since August either.
So now on FB, H has no home and no family. It is a small thing, but it made me feel just awful to see our marriage get deleted. It is something he did in the last day or two also. I’m pretty sure he was still “married” on Wednesday when I posted pics of our pumpkin carving. I had asked his if he cared if I posted pics that had him in them on my FB page and he had said it was fine. This could have been a response to seeing his picture on there, or maybe his OW saw it and got on his case. Don’t know really.
Whatever his reasons, it hurt. Trying to stay focused, but honestly I am expecting him to be pulling back more. We have a Nov 15th ‘date’ to check in on our separation status. A week or so ago I asked him if he wanted to delay it till after the holidays and he said “No, just keep it the same. I can’t even begin to think about it right now though.” We had agreed to check in that day back in August. The idea was to put the divorce on hold till then. We are supposed to decide to continue the separation, file for divorce, or try to get back together. My position has not changed, I want to stay married. I am not sure if H will say he wants to stay separated or file for divorce. Wish we had agreed to a longer time frame.
H just told me "I love you" as we were saying goodbye on the phone. Prety sure it was a slip, he was in a hurry to get back to work and had only called to tell D a quick goodnight. Busy weekend night at the restauraunt and all that...
Still, I wonder if it was just an old habbit, or if it means anything more...
I don't remember trading my 'wonderland' ticket for this rollercoaster! Aaaaaaaargh!
I am curious how WH expects to make a decision about being married or divorcing when hes
a. separated from his wife b. having an affair
Both of these make decision making particularly difficult if not impossible... You can't make a decision about your marriage while you are frolicking around having an affair with someone else.. as Phil McGraw says ... "that just doesn't work"...
You r probably right, just a slip or somekind of feelings of attachment kicking in. Even as an accident, I will put it in the positive category. He has mad quite a few slips like that. All part of my evil plan of course.
I'm in such an odd mood today. So many ups, then down moments, but what has really surprised me is how well I have kept going. No melt downs, even seeing his FB page was kind of just a bump in the road. A big bump, but I called a friend, vented for a few minutes, and went back to work. I was even able to concentrate on getting my work done.
I feel like I am starting to really and truly detach from him and his drama. I'm not all the way detached, but maybe H is picking up on this. Maybe he is afraid I won't stick this out. I do have the coice to leave at any time. I'm not to that point, but I may eventually get there.
Anyway, it is his decision to make, even if he ain't right in the head when he does. If it is wrong and he regrets it later, he will have to live with that. If it were my decision to make, he never would have moved out in the first place.
Moving to MLC forum. Spent part of today writing up a history. It got me thinking about how this started and how long it has been going on. Also got me thinking that the affair is not the central issue. H will not come back while he is having an affair, and I will need to let him know I suspect eventually if he doesn't fess up. For now his stalling works in my favor, so I'm letting him be.
Wouldn't it be nice if you just came to a fork in the road that clearly and definitively set the direction for the future of the relationship? As I know you know, it doesn't work that way. Just as it took H a long while and many mixed feelings to want to pull away from the marriage, the road back is likely to be the same.
I believe you have served your own purposes well by stepping back from his suspected affair and letting him wrestle with it on his own. Open and visible opposition to affairs too often simply gives them more emotional oxygen and justification for their existence.
Nor is it worth your time - for the sake of both your own sanity and your marriage - to snoop.
If there is an affair going on - which admittedly sounds quite possible - there is a high statistical probability it won't last long (read your copy of Divorce Remedy). My instincts tell me your approach has probably taken some of the thrill out of the affair - as your H must live in a state of uncertainty about what you know and a state of angst about whether he should tell you and a state of guilt over deceiving you. You're torturing this poor man! (I hope a little levity is OK) Meanwhile, the OW grows warts by the day as the initial sugar high of the affair wears off.
I believe you are still in a stage where you have to be extremely careful not to pursue - even in the tiniest of ways - photo posting on facebook of family pumpkin carving perhaps falls into this category. Let him initiate whatever happens for now. Listen. Soak it in and learn. Adjust.
Finally - I believe you are wise to understand that the marital issues that must be considered are bigger than just the affair - although that might feel like everything at the moment. I believe your understanding of these factors will put you in a good position to improve your relationship with H and set an excellent example for him as well - because at some point he will have to do his own work to make himself a worthy companion.
In the meantime, what a great job you've done with you. I know it's hard.
If there is an affair going on - which admittedly sounds quite possible - there is a high statistical probability it won't last long ...
How long does it take for a LBS to contract an STD from their cheating spouse?
How long does it take for a fogged-out, fueled-by-a-raging-sense-of-entitlement spouse to drain the family bank account?
I'm not saying that most affairs don't work out (they don't). I'm just putting it out there that there's an awful lot of damage that can be done for every week they are allowed to continue.
Indeed it is. Everyone owes it to themselves to consider what the risks and rewards of their own situation are. And the things you mention can and do happen.
I also think a person with some awareness can do sensible things to protect themselves from some of these situations without changing the main focus of their strategy - which in Zen's case is to save her marriage.
People in her position can and do consult with attorneys, for example, so that they are not taken advantage of should things eventually not work the way they want. I don't condone naivete' on anyone's part. If your goal is to save your marriage, however, I think you also have to be careful to make sure that your defensive precautions don't reach the point where they undermine your main goal or cause you to live in a toxic state of fear.
As far as I know, no one has the power to "disallow" an affair. No one has to or will stop an affair if they don't want to. The other partner can chose to voice their suspicions or confront their spouse with the evidence as the case may be. Yet, for reasons I outlined in my last post, I believe there are at least some instances - depending on your goals - where you would not want to do this.
