Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

Try saying what you think your h would claim was wrong in the M, then whether you agreed with any of it, and what you are doing about that and about GAL.

1. spending differences. i'm a saver, he's a lavish spender.

Total judgementalsim here. Do you know what I mean by that?


i don't dictate how he spends his money but i would speak up if i felt it was going overboard.

Calling it "lavish" means you judged most of it and my guess is your disapproval was clear. What could you two do together to meet HIS needs for a beautiful home and your need for financial security? That is a very common challenge for married couples. It's called balance and requires compromise. Perhaps that would have been a 180.

he would redecorate the entire house when his parents were about to visit us. every piece of furniture wasn't about us decorating OUR home.
You two did not discuss any of this together? I think shopping together for furniture you both like would have been such a loving opportunity for bonding and pride in the home. Just one way to look at it.

he admitted that he tried to make the house look nice for his parents.

Is there something wrong with that? I don't get why your money wasn't combined. You say YOUR money went to bills, as if to say his would not have? Really? He'd have charged it all on a credit card and not paid it off or there'd be no food or electricity if it werent' for your money? I don't know couples married for years who have their money so clearly separated and defined, as if there's an expectation that one would leave the other.

my money went towards things like bills, food, retirement contributions, and activities. so in the end, it looks like i didn't buy anything - i couldn't point to something and say "i bought that". that's how he ended up walking away with everything. and i walked away with an empty bag.

By your own description, your money did not go to anything but utilities and retirement. Had your resources been combined, maybe you'd have some furniture.

he once came to me and asked me to borrow a large sum of money from our emergency fund (my account). this was for his retirement contribution. i declined stating that it wasn't an emergency. he knew he had to do this yet did not budget for it. it is called responsibility. i do not enable financial irresponsibility. i had a boundary and i enforced it.

I have a 2 x 4 for you and hey, you are free to ignore it...Put a helmet on. Um you don't see how very "parental" this was of you? Or how punitive of you? Don't you realize how what it must have taken for him to come to you to ASK his own wife for HER money so HE can put some in a retirement account? And how wounded his pride must have been when you "spanked" him for disobeying your rules. Gee, You sure showed him.

And couldn't he say HE provided a lovely home for you both that ONLY HE created, b/c you were too selfish or stingy or financially paranoid/ to spend a cent helping to make a beautiful home? Couldn't he argue that you forced him to deny himself nice things? Or that if something weren't a priority to YOU, then it wasn't a priority to the R? AND couldn't he also say that instead of gratitude from you for his providing a beautiful home, which you refused to help WITH him, and then when he wanted to do something smart like invest in a retirement account, you punished him by witholding YOUR "emergency" funds that were ALL somehow YOURS?...and now, w/the benefit of time and reflection, do you have any insight into how this must have made him feel?

in the end, it was the smartest move i made. because if i gave him that money and he asked for the d, i wouldn't have gotten that money back from him.

Really? Maybe If you had combined funds and been a team like most married couples, you'd have bonded by building something together. At least you'd both have some retirement funds AND furniture and some memories of a beautiful home, instead of drawing lines around the home and measuring every cent and keeping a scorecard. My overall impression when reading your post was "scorecard keeping" and rigidity on your end. That may have infected him too.

have i done anything to change this? i have purchased some new clothes, but i had to set up my own apartment and i needed the basics - plates, bowls, cutlery, glasses, mugs, etc. yes, i didn't get any of that when we moved.

i bought a nice tv and a nice mini oven - stuff i will use and keep long term. i prefer to invest money in long term pieces.

Did you buy any long term pieces when you were together? Did you discuss it? Did you budge at all?

i eat healthy, i learn to spend my money on important things and i cut out any nice-to-haves. i'm disciplined that way.

are you happy?

2. he felt that he was dragging me through his life. when he was growing up, his mother would arrange summer camps and activities for him. he never had to think about what to do. somebody always did it for him. when we got married, i did that for us. he didn't bring anything to our marriage that was for 'us'. i don't understand how he was dragging me through his life. i often put my own needs aside to put a sock in his mouth to stop the whining.

What did you give up? And I don't know what you mean by him dragging you thru his life or how he did not bring anything to your marriage for both of you when you make it abundantly clear what's yours is yours and what's his is his. There was no "us" or "we" in your post or marital history description. Not to me anyhow.
have i done anything to change this?
- took a baking class
- joined a squash league
- joined the local chapter of toastmasters
- bought a home.
- looking forward to skiing for the first time this winter.
ANYTHING MORE PERSONAL LIKE COUNSELLING?

3. religion. i don't involve him in my religious practices.

Too bad. It's Another lost opportunity for bonding or sharing at an intimate level.

my religious practice takes 2 minutes twice a month. you barely even notice that i practice it.
Um, then what's the point?

but when his parents arrive, he tells me to stop my religious practice because his parents wouldn't understand.

But I bet you insisted on another "important" boundary and did it so they'd know, right? Another way to force him to choose between instead of having both...
i don't mutilate small animals. my practice involves lighting a candle and saying a 30 sec prayer. is that so odd? i should be free to practice my simple religion in my own home, no? i would be happy to answer questions regarding my practice if they ask but if they don't ask, then i assume it doesn't matter to them either way.
Did it?
i've relaxed on my religion since.
Why? If it's 2 min a day, and it's not noticeable, what's to relax?


4. intimacy. he claims it was neither a passion or priority of mine. i have to admit.

when he treats me like crap, i don't want to be intimate with him. call it another boundary of mine. the thing is .. all i wanted was to feel close and intimate with my h. i loved him from day 1 and i still do. but i can't bring myself to engage in something that is so personal, emotional, and intimate with someone who just paid me the biggest insult (telling me that i wouldn't make a good mother). for me, intimacy is reserved for someone who i feel loves me.
So you witheld sex from him when your feelings were hurt? I get that. This is a common thing and there are lots of reasons for it. If someone insults you or is abusive, NO WOMAN feels "in the mood" then. But sex IS intimacy for most men, and if a man apologizes or expresses regret for hurting you OR if time has elapsed, then witholding is simply punitive. And you know what? No man returns to the "greatest sex he NEVER had"...in other words, witholding intimcay and passion is sad and it backfires big time. Pick battles wisely. Sounds as if you denied both of you so much.


not sure how one can prove this. i don't date around .. nor do i sleep around. but that doesn't stop me from buying nice underwear. i'm not wearing it for anybody but it makes me feel sexy .. that counts, right?

there was a fifth excuse but i don't remember what that was anymore.

What 180's are you practicing, if any?

i only realize recently what 180s are about. all along, i thought it was just about doing the opposite of things. but it's not. it's about thinking outside the box and doing something really different. still working on this.

How are you different now than before?

i'm a very angry person right now. i hope to change this.
i want to be a happier person.

You'll have to change the angry part, won't you? Do you see how you are the only person who can change this? Do you believe that?

i think i've grown intellectually as a person .. it's weird to have so much free time now. i realize now how much of my time was consumed by my h. i got to learn new things.

What do you want from this day forward, for your life?

to be financially independent. i never want to be with another person again because usually people take more than they give to me.

Wow, really? Like who? And I don't buy that. But if this is what you want, it is a recipe for loneliess and for the life of me, why come here if that's what you want? B/C it's not what you want. You're simply terrified of being hurt again, like all of us. I'm no shrink, but to me, a lot of your behaviors were sort of gearing toward making him leave you. Why would you sabatage your m so many ways?

i just want some sense of security and it's not something that men are capable of providing.

Oh good grief. NO MAN CAN OR SHOULD Provide us with that, when it is WE who give ourselves our own security. Our h's kill bugs for us and check out the weird noises for us, but in modern life we are PARTNERS...we have to show up for each other.

we live in a world that is ruled by hollywood celebrities.
You're globalizing the problem to avoid looking at your own personal sitch.
This is not a political debate. Make this about you and your personal work and not so much "out there" stuff...you'll grow and learn faster.

it's okay to cut and run when marriage is too hard. if i knew my h would cut and run, i wouldn't have married him. i took a risk and i'm paying for it in many ways.

Risk? What risk? You played the marriage as safely as possible by keeping all accounts AND choices and decision making that most couples make together, AS SEPARATE AND "SAFE" as possible, thereby constantly reminding him of how easy it would be to separate...and your actions lead to the very thing you most feared.

Sorry for the 2 x 4 but I think you are playing the victim and doing as little serious introspection as possible. When you start to get close to an issue of REAL intimacy or deeply painful ones, you redirect the discussion and make it political or you simply totally blame him. BTW, where's the MIL in all this? Do you see your h at all?