It strikes me just how much we all have in common as opposed to our differences.
Let's take MLC out of the equation for a minute...
Over here we preach detachment, boundaries, regaining one's sense of self and truly taking a look inside to own your own faults and shortcomings, to make changes which are consistent with your own sense of self and based on the truth (some of which comes from valid and real complaints by the WAS). We preach doing this in order to make huge, potentially life altering decisions from a place of compassion, understanding and peace as opposed to making those same decisions based on anger, hurt, resentment and pride.
Yes, we see all kinds of noobs (and others ) with poor boundaries who are reacting (or not reacting at all) out of fear. I also see it in Newcomers and Infidelity, because ultimately, all the advice in the world won't change the behaviour until the LBS in question is ready.
Personally, I don't think everyone who's posting in MLC has a spouse in Crisis (midlife, quarterlife, identity or otherwise!) ... but that is not my call to make. I can only tell you what I've seen and experienced.
There is a large amount of anecdotal evidence which supports the idea of a "personal life crisis". The real kicker seems to be the emotional trauma experienced in adolecense WITHOUT the support and coping skills to properly process the event. I'm sure most people have these experiences, and I'm also sure that the trigger event can be much less "traumatic" than other events which do NOT lead to PLC for certain individuals. The pre-PLCer experiences this event, and then suppresses it, never learning proper coping skills as they move forward into adulthood.
As adults we all face trials and tribulations. Childrearing, financial pressure, family issues, you name it. Lots of us live in marriages built on habit and familiarity, taking our partners and ourselves for granted. At some point (frequently after another traumatic event), ALL of us feel like we are getting older and question what we want out of life. Then we look for answers. Some transition through this without as much hardship. Many decide to escape the "harsh" reality of aging/boredom and look elsewhere for their youth to be recreated. These folks are capable of looking at their lives and making choices but until they are held accountable, they don't. And then there is the group, IMO, that are not currently capable of looking inside themselves - regardless of the boundaries and consequenses they face because those consequences are much less painful then the internal closet-cleaning required to reconcile their issues. Childhood sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse, parental alcoholism, sudden death of a loved one, abandonment, neglect ... any or many never dealt with, never counselled, which simmer into a profound depression we call a "crisis". PLCer's, IMO, can not face their current issues until they go back (often literally, via regression) and deal with the emotional devastation they felt as adolecents.
Both sandboxes deal with the same symptoms. Yes, any infidelity is traumatic and abusive to the LBS. No it should not be tolerated or condoned. But over here we advocate getting yourself to a place where you are making decisions from a truthful, compassionate place - and yes, that takes some time. Once there, do what you want. Stand, don't stand. Wait, don't wait. Walk, don't walk. But be clear about what you are doing and WHY. RESPOND to situations instead of REACTING.
Much of what you folks see as "doormat" are LBS's still trying to get themselves to a place where they are ready to set and enforce boundaries. It's the same in all the sandboxes boys. If Puppy were here, he'd tell you ... I was no different in Newcomers long before I found the MLC board. I was not ready to live with the consequences of my boundaries so I was unable to enforce them. I learned that skill here, as a result of getting real with myself about my beliefs, my dealbreakers (ie Pup's Boundaries of Personal Integrity) and my core values.
No one over here wants to see anyone "Standing" by letting their spouse cake-eat, be abusive, create greater financial difficulty, etc. "Standing" (and for the record I am not a fan of all the terminology) is about owning your own values, standing up for what you believe in, setting appropriate boundaries and generally "getting a life" ... and I don't mean hitting the clubs on a Saturday night. GAL is supposed to be about LIVING and moving forward.
What we refer to as standing is really not very different from what you guys tell the LBS to do in the other forums. LIVE as though they are not coming back. We advocate not dating for obvious reasons (Robx if I remember correctly you disagree with this one, but Time I believe I read that you do not agree with dating until the divorce is actually final so even outside the MLC board there are a variety of opinions) and we advocate compassion in that we don't turn into pr!cks when dealing with our WAS.
MLC, or whatever you want to call it, is not an excuse for bad behaviour, but I do see it as an explanation for a set of self- and family destructive behaviours displayed by many. Doesn't mean we shouldn't detach, protect ourselves, move forward with our lives. I've used the cancer analogy before: I was challenged ... if my H had cancer would I stand by him? I said well, if that cancer caused him to engage in those same self and family destructive behaviours, maybe not. But I would certainly have compassion about the illness driving his behaviour. I would certainly acknowledge that he must be in obscene pain to engage the way he had. And then I would live my life. Maybe I would hope the cancer got cured and hold out for reconciliation while moving forward, maybe not. My choice. Based on understanding and compassion for the truth of the situation.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
