Always and Forever??????

[25yearsmlc]

- if total love and devotion for 20-30 years means nothing --- if my spouse can just be "done," and chose to leave and choose to destroy our family rather than STAY and WORK on our M.

The person we have loved for most of our adult lives - and still love - has chosen that we are no longer worthy of their love.

This is what I am having trouble with. The person I've loved for 30 years - the person that used to tell me often that he loved me, that I was beautiful, that I was his best friend - that there was nothing we couldn't do if we did it together, no longer thinks that to be true. [/quote]

(Leaving aside the "total love and devotion" description of one side of the marriage)...In time those memories of REALITY will resurface. They have to. They'll return to him sooner if you back out of the picture and let them, b/c as I've said often, the more you challenge his choices, the more he defends them By not backing off to let the smoke clear, you actually prolong the time it will take for him to see reality. And as for the rest of this, as you say, it's beyond your control. And spending time and energy on things beyond your control, are wastes of time and even counter productive.

EXACTLY!!! There is this huge disconnect between the reality of today and the reality of the years together. But the reality today is that I have NO CONTROL over anyone but myself. I want to lead a clean life. I want to create a home for my kids, friends and family that is full of laughter and kindness. I want to find peace.
Do whatever it takes to CREATE, not "find", that peace.

I am struggling right now with not being ready to be around him in an amicable way. It still hurts too much. I don't know if that makes me weak or egotistical or what - but this is the first time in my life that I have set a boundary that is healthy for me. I know there will come a time when I will be able to be around him. It's just not now. Is this wrong? [/quote]

How could this be "wrong"? You mean, you wish you could detach enough to not be weirded out by his presence or you fear you'll "lose it" in front of him? Who knows? Maybe by having some contact and not making such a big deal about it, you'll get more used to it. Maybe Try it in small doses? It would be nice for your son and it WILL be necessary at some point. Proms, graduations and weddings happen. Do you want your energy to be focussed on whether you'll "lose it" and feel terrible later, or on your son's big day(s)?

Also if you have SOME contact, especially minimally, your h will be able to note your changes and the new you, assuming you've made some changes, with periodic contacts. If he never sees you he may begin to assume you are exactly as he fears/demonizes, etc. What about teaching him that he can be a tad relaxed around you? How on earth can you hope to rebuild anything if the tension between you two is so great that you cannot manage ANY contact? I UNDERSTAND why you feel this way but you have to have a timeline in your mind at least, as to how long you'll give him all this power. At this rate, you'll miss your son's prom/graduation and wedding.

Back to your contacts and no contact policy, if you HAVE to do this, so be it. But How will you contrast those negative images with positive ones if you cannot manage ANY time around him? And What does "around" him mean? Can you manage 2 min of being in the same room as he is? I'm wondering what it is you want to know on this matter?