Always and Forever??????

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Handling,

In an earlier post I wrote to IB, I covered this distinction. The distinction is that if you are widowed, you are not a "rejectee" whereas if you are divorced, someone has rejected you. It's obvious, and I totally understand this. But let's hone in on what that actually means.

It means that though the loss is the same in terms of losing companionship, it's really our egos that are taking a beating with divorce, as opposed to the grief of pure loss thru death.

And we have control over our egos.And yes, we are in charge of our happiness. If we had flaws that contributed to the divorce (b/c oops we're human), so be it. We work on those flaws so we're better people, & we move forward knowing we are less likely to be hurt by those FORMER flaws in the future Rs. Then we forgive ourselves and we move forward b/c the alternative is to stay stuck and wallow, becoming bitter people consumed by our pain, who teach our children that when they face betrayal or a terrible setback, WHICH THEY ALL WILL AT SOME POINT, the pain is eternal and, effectively fatal. It's neither.)

In contrast, If our spouses chose to leave the m and had some or a lot of invalid reasons for that choice, or were simply lousy people to begin with, then we have even less of a reason to stay stuck in our grief. It's THEM & their crazy journey, not US. And all you can do then is back off of them, and move forward in our own lives, which is exactly what we should do regardless.

Look, I have been there and I have done the grief process. It's not the same for all of us yet there are common elements. Yes, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was preoccupied, nervous, emotional and angry. I went on AD's and lost weight and obsessed, a lot. I spent a lot of time asking questions without answers. Or thought that if there were answers, somehow it would mean something & changed..what? Nothing b/c the plan of action is the same no matter what...

(IB said at one point she needed answers to cope but I say "not so. You may not ever EVER get answers, let alone "good ones", to why this happened - so I say please stop putting lives on hold waiting for answers. Oh, and if you get answers, who says that will HELP you move forward?)

I have several regrets about how I handled things when my marriage was so seriously challenged. I was so sad and angry for way too long, and so focussed on what my h was doing, thinking, feeling, asking "WHY? WHY? WHY?, and how he would react If I said or did #1 versus #2 or #3. I had mental decision trees galore, and it was ALL ABOUT HIM....and how terrible the various options would affect me and then, back to him....WHAT A WASTE OF MY LIFE'S ENERGY!! I got to a better place but if I were in the same boat again and knew then what I know now,

I would have worked on ME and MY LIFE & My FUTURE, and MY CHILDREN'S LIVES MUCH MUCH SOONER and creating it faster...b/c I was not fully present for my children at a time when they really needed me more, b/c of my all consuming pain that sapped my mental and emotional energy and lessened my availability to them. I was miserable, and I was not bringing much to the table as a woman either, except my UN-met needs and grief and pain and anger at him and the injustice of it all...(Which is SUPER attractive to men, btw)

I'm now in a good place. Though I take breaks from this site, whenever I return I'm amazed at how many walking wounded are out there, AND how many live to survive, and thrive...Some people remain bitter & lonely victims. But Every bitter lonely person who is still bitter and lonely, in the end, is there by their own choice. If they're too blind to see that, well, enough said.

Getting through this takes time AND effort. Time, is time. Some amount has to pass and there's no other way to say that. We have to get through and past it. But in terms of effort, YES it has to be made. No one "snaps out of it" without effort made.
Hopefully we can make enough sense and suggestions for people in that dark dark place, to light and then find their way out of it.
Good luck,