Albuquerque living

[ericmsant2]

Alb

It was then that I realized that this whole situation has really been stressing me out a lot more than I cared to admit. I realized that I'm not being absolutely true to myself.

BOY do I know this ^^^^ feeling. Being truthful to ourselves is probably one of the most painful experience one can go through BUT it is at this point that I believe we really begin to understand ourselves – faults and all. It is here that I believe we begin to love and RESPECT ourselves again. Good for YOU Alb.

I THOUGHT I wanted to pursue a physical R with H (and it was fun don't get me wrong). But that's NOT what I really want. I want him to WANT to be with me. I want him to CHOOSE to be with me. And he readily admits he's not there yet. And I have grown to the point where I'm not willing to settle.

Welcome to the world of being true with what the real Alb need and EXPECTS for HERSELF. You can see your value, your worth, you can now see that your value and worth is NOT tied to what someone else FEELS or THINKS!

And I have grown to the point where I'm not willing to settle.

Nor should you!

I can't really say we're on the road to reconciliation

Stop trying to define what “it” is and do for YOU.

You now know what you can handle and what Alb wants for Alb. This is a good place to be.

You have stepped off of the rollercoaster and are really looking inside. The road albeit “rocky”, “smooth”…is the road the YOU Alb determine if, when and how long you walk it.

So now….do you walk for YOUR H OR

Do you walk for Alb

Because Alb chooses to

Because Alb is living a life that she chooses to and Alb NOW knows that this walk is

About HER.


FWIW, I am proud of you Alb.

Sit back…and enjoy what you have

Understand that you drive the ship

Trust yourself and trust how you feel

Keep looking inside and continue to be true to YOU

Eric

[PEI]

I can't really say we're on the road to reconciliation because I don't think that can happen until he drops OW.

You don't THINK so?

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for your kind words Eric. They mean a lot. I'm sure I'll continue to stumble along the way and there are no guarantees as to what will happen. But I have seen time and time again that ensuring MY well being is the best thing, not only for me, but for everyone around me. I will continue to keep that in focus.

H has been coming over to the house nearly every day for some reason or another. He's opting to take part in most of the outings that D and I plan. We've continued with kissing and hugging when he comes over (outside of D's vision) but I've stayed true to not taking it any further. H seems to be enjoying the time spent with us but I can also still see a deep-set sadness/confusion/confliction within. He continues to talk "as if" he's coming back. He still says we need to come up with an agreement as to how much money he should be depositing in our joint account. He's been saying that since he left in March. This time though, he added that we needed to figure this out at least for the short term (kind of implying this isn't going to be like this forever). I always say OK and have even gotten all the books ready to go over everything. He just never takes the step to set up a time to do it. He's offhandedly mentioned moving back on several occasions. But more importantly than his words, his actions are most definitely different. He texts, email, IMs, calls me all the time now. He asks ME a lot of questions about how I'M doing. He's much more involved with D and even is being nice to the animals. He's noticing the yard work that I'm doing and even filled the animals water bowl while at the house the other day because it was low. I've been SO tempted to ask (because I'm really curious) as to how he is managing to maintain any semblance of a R with OW when he's NOT there and is spending SO much time with me and D and when he's not here he's texting, emailing etc. I really don't get it. I WON'T ask but I admit I'm curious. Need to work on that I suppose.

I can't really say we're on the road to reconciliation because I don't think that can happen until he drops OW.

You don't THINK so?

Good point PEI. I guess what I meant was that some folks might consider this reconciliation. I KNOW that true reconciliation can NOT happen until OW is out of the picture and BOTH parties have committed to working on the marriage. I guess I consider this his reconciliation stage with himself. He's still finding out who HE really is. Still searching and questioning. And that's OK. I appreciate that so far as I can see, he's being honest with me. It would've been easy for him to say OW was out of the picture so that I would hop back into bed with him. He appears to have enough respect for me and my feelings to NOT do that. I'm continuing to be ever vigilant and skeptical however. Trust but verify is my motto.

[ericmsant2]

Alb

Have you ever read Mila's threads? If not, I suggest that you do.

He still says we need to come up with an agreement as to how much money he should be depositing in our joint account.

He's been saying that since he left in March. This time though, he added that we needed to figure this out at least for the short term (kind of implying this isn't going to be like this forever). I always say OK and have even gotten all the books ready to go over everything. He just never takes the step to set up a time to do it.

I can't quite but my finger on it BUT something about the above just does not seem right. It just may be the confusion. My only advice would be not to commit to anything and if you do commit make sure that what you agree to is something that YOU want and NOT something that YOU think will make him wake up.

God Bless and Happy Halloween
Eric