Try saying what you think your h would claim was wrong in the M, then whether you agreed with any of it, and what you are doing about that and about GAL.
1. spending differences. i'm a saver, he's a lavish spender. i don't dictate how he spends his money but i would speak up if i felt it was going overboard. he would redecorate the entire house when his parents were about to visit us. every piece of furniture wasn't about us decorating OUR home. he admitted that he tried to make the house look nice for his parents. my money went towards things like bills, food, retirement contributions, and activities. so in the end, it looks like i didn't buy anything - i couldn't point to something and say "i bought that". that's how he ended up walking away with everything. and i walked away with an empty bag.
he once came to me and asked me to borrow a large sum of money from our emergency fund (my account). this was for his retirement contribution. i declined stating that it wasn't an emergency. he knew he had to do this yet did not budget for it. it is called responsibility. i do not enable financial irresponsibility. i had a boundary and i enforced it.
in the end, it was the smartest move i made. because if i gave him that money and he asked for the d, i wouldn't have gotten that money back from him.
have i done anything to change this? i have purchased some new clothes, but i had to set up my own apartment and i needed the basics - plates, bowls, cutlery, glasses, mugs, etc. yes, i didn't get any of that when we moved.
i bought a nice tv and a nice mini oven - stuff i will use and keep long term. i prefer to invest money in long term pieces.
i eat healthy, i learn to spend my money on important things and i cut out any nice-to-haves. i'm disciplined that way.
2. he felt that he was dragging me through his life. when he was growing up, his mother would arrange summer camps and activities for him. he never had to think about what to do. somebody always did it for him. when we got married, i did that for us. he didn't bring anything to our marriage that was for 'us'. i don't understand how he was dragging me through his life. i often put my own needs aside to put a sock in his mouth to stop the whining.
have i done anything to change this? - took a baking class - joined a squash league - joined the local chapter of toastmasters - bought a home. - looking forward to skiing for the first time this winter.
3. religion. i don't involve him in my religious practices. my religious practice takes 2 minutes twice a month. you barely even notice that i practice it. but when his parents arrive, he tells me to stop my religious practice because his parents wouldn't understand. i don't mutilate small animals. my practice involves lighting a candle and saying a 30 sec prayer. is that so odd? i should be free to practice my simple religion in my own home, no? i would be happy to answer questions regarding my practice if they ask but if they don't ask, then i assume it doesn't matter to them either way.
i've relaxed on my religion since.
4. intimacy. he claims it was neither a passion or priority of mine. i have to admit. when he treats me like crap, i don't want to be intimate with him. call it another boundary of mine. the thing is .. all i wanted was to feel close and intimate with my h. i loved him from day 1 and i still do. but i can't bring myself to engage in something that is so personal, emotional, and intimate with someone who just paid me the biggest insult (telling me that i wouldn't make a good mother). for me, intimacy is reserved for someone who i feel loves me.
have i done anything about this? not sure how one can prove this. i don't date around .. nor do i sleep around. but that doesn't stop me from buying nice underwear. i'm not wearing it for anybody but it makes me feel sexy .. that counts, right?
there was a fifth excuse but i don't remember what that was anymore.
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What 180's are you practicing, if any?
i only realize recently what 180s are about. all along, i thought it was just about doing the opposite of things. but it's not. it's about thinking outside the box and doing something really different. still working on this.
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How are you different now than before?
i'm a very angry person right now. i hope to change this. i want to be a happier person. i think i've grown intellectually as a person .. it's weird to have so much free time now. i realize now how much of my time was consumed by my h. i got to learn new things.
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What do you want from this day forward, for your life?
to be financially independent. i never want to be with another person again because usually people take more than they give to me. i just want some sense of security and it's not something that men are capable of providing. we live in a world that is ruled by hollywood celebrities. it's okay to cut and run when marriage is too hard. if i knew my h would cut and run, i wouldn't have married him. i took a risk and i'm paying for it in many ways.
