Help, Help, Help I am Desperate!!!!!!!!

[OneLessWife]

Sandi, I know about going dark but we do have five children and lots of laundry. Remember as of right now I am paying for everything. We really don't have enough to pay for her to call a repairman.
As to how she told me, I was on duty the other night and stopped by the house to see the girls. She came in to the living room where I was and started to make small talk. I had not seen her for about a week. She stated that she wanted to talk for a while. Well it started on the R right off. I screwed up and told her to give me another chance. All this while when I found out that she cared for the OM, I would say lets give it a try, she would then respond how do I break it off with OM. I laughed and said well do it like you did me. I said what if this does not last you will break it off then. She had no response. Anyway she was talking to me , I think she found out that I am seeing a C. I don't know how but she was fishing. Anyway she said after I asked for another chance, she said that I might be in love with him. I was hurting on the inside and just said that I had to go. She knew I was upset. We have talked a little since the other night. And yes it is her brother. Her sister called and stated that she talked to W and W told her almost verbatim what I had told her. A funny thing that W told SIL that she did not love me anymore, I said that's funny she told me that she still did. I guess she does not know what she wants right now.
My session went well, I feel confident that I am going to deal with my issues and come out ahead. I want my M to work but will prepare for it not to. We have Thanksgiving at her sisters house, its sort of a tradition for the last 20 years. My W told me that she is upset about that day and how everyone is going to act. I flat out told her that I was not going so that everyone else in the family feels good on this day. I don't want to pretend and W does not want to either. I feel that a big elephant would be in the room and this day everyone looks forward to. I know we both have support from her family, I don't have support from mine. Maybe a miracle will happen before then, who knows.
Sandi thank you for responding to me, I see you are all over the place and people value your advice. I wish some of the other big guns would respond as well.

Thanks again Scott

[gutwrenching]

Ok - time to recover from some mistakes along the way. You've gotten some good advice from vets if you look back in your thread. Time to re-read your own thread and start implementing.

I screwed up and told her to give me another chance. All this while when I found out that she cared for the OM, I would say lets give it a try

Not attractive. She needs to respect you. Have confidence in yourself. Stand up to poor behavior. Tell her you will not live in an open marriage.

she said that I might be in love with him.

Reality is she does. She is being gentle on you. How do you feel about this? What are you going to do about this? Are you going to be a doormat or stand up for yourself and demand respect?

A funny thing that W told SIL that she did not love me anymore, I said that's funny she told me that she still did. I guess she does not know what she wants right now.

She probably doesnt know what she wants, but that is irrelevant. What do you want? What are your goals? How can you best achieve your goals?

My W told me that she is upset about that day and how everyone is going to act. I flat out told her that I was not going so that everyone else in the family feels good on this day. I don't want to pretend and W does not want to either

A better reply would have been I understand how this can be upseting. Validate her feelings but do not rescue her. Her choices have cosequences, let her deal with the consequences while you validate and then stay out of the way

Maybe a miracle will happen before then, who knows.

Don't look for a miracle. Grow forward from your IC and do what works...

I am sorry this is happening to you. I know it sucks. Its time to change what you are doing, otherwise the results will remain the same

[Coach]

I guess she does not know what she wants right now.

Yes, she does. She's not in love with you, she told you to your face she might be in love with another man. She asked for your help in breaking it off and you made a joke. She told you she had concerns about Thanksgiving and you bailed. You had tremendous opportunities to create connection and lead.

I screwed up and told her to give me another chance.

She doesn't want this. She has you paying for everything, she's having an affair and you ask for another chance. To her this looks weak and unaatractive. She wants a man who would drop her like a "hot potatoe" once she carries on like this.

she would then respond how do I break it off with OM

Here's how, You let him know you are a married woman and you have decided what's best for you is to start acting like a married woman and that there will be no more contact between the two of you. You will be transparent with me about all communication. I won't share my wife with another man, if you can't get on board then I will start the D process. (very attractive to your wife)

I said what if this does not last you will break it off then.

Do you see how weak that sounds?

She had no response.

because she's not attracted to you.

she said that I might be in love with him.

Well then I guess you have a tough choice to make. Because you can't be in love with him and be married to me. If you can't commit to me then I will move back home and I will help pack your things.

We have Thanksgiving at her sisters house, its sort of a tradition for the last 20 years. My W told me that she is upset about that day and how everyone is going to act.

Here's the deal on Thanksgiving. We can go as a family only if we are a family. I understand you might be worried about what others might think but if something comes up I will protect you and our kids. If you feel that you want to be a single mom on Thanksgiving I am fine with that as well, your choice.

I don't want to pretend and W does not want to either.

then confront the brutal reality



Next time let her deal with the washer being broke for a while, let her feel what it is going to be like without you.


You can handle it.

[tank]

OLW, listen to the experts here. They are right. I have to ask this, why are you still paying to live somewhere else and paying for everything at the home? Take it for what its worth, it will get you no where. Move back into the home. Sleep on the couch, the basement anywhere. If she doesn't like it, tell her she can move.

Get your own bank account ASAP, no ifs ands or buts on this. If you want to be a good father, your needed at home. You cover your living expenses and your childrens. Do not give her any extra money. As a stay at home mom, she is entitled to support, but if you pay the mortgage and the utilities then you are more then covered. Make her buy the groceries etc. She has the best of both worlds. You pay for everything, she has access to your cash and her cash. You are allowing her to use you and someone else reaps the rewards.

I paid for my wife for a long time when she moved out. I am way behind the curve on a lot of this, but on the money part i am on track. Cut her off. Move home. If she doesnt like it then she can move out and put you before a judge. If you continue to live outside the home, you will loose so much more in a divorce. She already knows that you have to be separated for a year, so she has looked into it.

I too wanted to save my marriage, i have done everything kyou could imagine. I just realized how much of a smuck i have made myself in my wifes eyes. I took back control of me, and since tuesday I have slept better, been more productive and almost happy. Listen to the advise others give you on here.

So i will end with, GET YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT, MOVE HOME, STOP PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.

[OneLessWife]

Thanks for the 2x4 to the head. I think each an everyone one of you are right. Its just hard as hell to let go of something. I am in pain and I hope that my C will show me how to deal with this in a mature way. Anyway I will keep you posted.

[tank]

OLW, I didnt mean it as a 2x4 to the head. I just wanted you to understand that this is ot your wife. She is going through a stage in her life and you dont know her anymore. By you being financially responsible for all of her expenses while she is dating other men etc., you are allowing her to do it. You are saying to her go ahead, fool around, I will still take care of everything and be sitting here when you get back.

Plan for a divorce, doesnt mean it has to happen, but plan for it. Go home, divide up your assests, spend all your spare time with your children, play board games, go shopping, go for walks. Clean the house, cook meals. Just keep busy and focused. I kow you still want to make your marriage work, but you can only do that if you are in the right place.

Move home, take care of the finances and if she doesnt like it, then she can move out and see what it will be like for her. Right now she has everything she always had and she gets to play the field.

[OneLessWife]

Tank I hear what you are saying and believe me she is not the woman that I married that's for sure. I can't believe that she would give up everything we worked so hard to get. The most unbelievable thing is that my girls need to go to college. My W told her sister that she did not care if they went to a community college. This is not the woman that I know. Is it in the water or what?

Now please tell me how to stop payin for my children. Yes I pay all of the bills right now. She works and makes little money. So how do I stop this without hurting my children. She has told me when we were fighting that she knows if she does not come back that I will do everything to hurt her, which in turn will hurt the girls. I will not hurt my children. Are you saying to start the D and let her know that I will not be a doormat any longer.
Any advice will help.

[OneLessWife]

Ok now I am shaking and the pain is real. I was patrolling the streets tonight and drove by my house and saw her van there. I stopped to get my mail and see my children. As I came in the girls were getting there pillows and blankets together. I ask them are you all spending the night with your friends. They said no. I said ok where are you going, they just stared at me. The W was in the other room, and asked her where are they going. She said that we are going camping. I said this late, and she said yes. I then asked if the OM was going and she said yes. This pisses me off. I then told her that I need to talk to her in private. We went in another room, thank god there was no yelling this time. (does that mean I am detaching or starting to). Anyway I asked her do you sleep with him in front of the girls and she said no. I then asked her if she loved me and she said yes. I asked her if she was still attracted to me and she said yes. I told her that this A will not last and that where will you be when its over, you will have lost your house, husband and money all for a fling. She looked me right in the eye and said you need to give me more time. I then told her to drive safe and I kissed the girls and left. I know that was wrong of me but it was kinda a vicotry because I did not raise my voice. Do I need to detach more before I give the setting them free speech. Or do I give her more time. I am trying to listen to the big dogs on here about being a doormat. The pain I feel right now is real. All of you know it. Lucy I have great friends, and this board.

I am really angry at her. This is why. When she is at work all day and comes home and tells me how tired she is when we were together. She did not want to do anything but relax. But now she is full of energy and goes camping late at night after a full day of being on her feet. Why did not she not do that with me? I am still pissed about this. I hope with the combination of AD"s and seeing a C will help me GAL. I am going to the tanning bed, I am begining to excercise. I am going to start running.

Thanks for letting me vent on here guys, I needed it.

Scott

[OneLessWife]

Ok I was hoping for a little sympathy for my last post, I am ready to give up. When I asked my W the other night why was she willing to give up her family, her reply was I am not giving up my family just you. This is unbearable, where is the woman I married.

I am at my wits end here. I have to move on and be a father to my girls. I hope she will get out of this fog. Anyway just venting again.

[Coach]

where is the woman I married

She's camping with your kids and another man she is in love with.

The real question to answer is where is the man she married?


You need to think about how your actions look to you wife. Are you fighting for her honor, her name, and her love? Or are you being a victim here? By fighting I don't mean being a bully or being an ass. Give her what she wants, freely and without any reservations. Let her go. Time to move back in and let her move out.