It sounds like you are doing a good job of paying attention to the small changes, both in what H does and does not do. This is wise for two reasons. First, you don't get hung up and demoralized waiting for monumental changes - which are much less likely to occur - and instead realize this is an incremental process. Thus, your yardstick of progress is much more realistic. But progress it is. Secondly, based on these observations, you can make the needed adjustments as you go along. And you are.
In addition to looking close in at the details, I would also encourage you to periodically step back and look at the trend lines, too. This is especially important if you or H have a bad day or setback - so that you can put it in the context of overall trends.
I don't think you'll regret being patient with the therapy. Right now I think you're learning some invaluable things as you step back and see what happens when you withdraw some of the initiatve and how H responds to this. Even more importantly, you are slowly rebuilding affection and warmth in your relationship. In my opinion, this sets the stage for more productive counseling. And if the press for this comes too early, it risks wiping out what you've done a really good job of building.
Finally, you seem to be doing these things a very dignified and mature way. It's nice to see.
