I do feel as if I am navigating in a foreign land. I am extremely self-conscious and nervous about doing or saying something "wrong." I do a lot of things with the kids and with some close friends - I am struggling to define who I am. When you say you have no contact since July 30, other than the email I assume, who are you afraid of making a mistake in front of whom?
As far as defining who you are. We all have to do that. In your case, I think that means you have defined yourself thru him, I guess. As you train yourself to think of your h being in the Australian bush and not being reachable, OR yourself as a widow who is now on her own, you start to flesh out that image with details. I said it in an earlier post. Fact is, you would NOT shrivel up and die if your h had been killed in an accident. You'd grieve and then at some point, you'd choose to LIVE. That means getting up, out of bed, dusting yourself off and FORCING yourself to do activities that don't "feel right" b/c what "feels right" is curling up in bed with ice cream and crying...and that is NOT "right"...it's just easier in the short run.
If I can ask - how did you overcome your grief?
Sure you can ask. As I said above, what "feels right" won't feel right at first. It's MORE painful to shrivel up and cry, over time, than to face things and move forward. It seems harder to face things but only in the short run because what is harder than being miserable FOREVER? (Nothing).
Your options are Feeling like crap forever, (or backsliding frequently and without end), VERSUS moving through your grief and getting to a happier place.
Ya know, there's a reason that Aristotle said "Happiness is a virtue". It does not just happen. You have to choose it and follow up. But no one else is in charge of your happiness and it was always up to and only YOU.
I suspect your identity was far too connected with how your h felt about you, or acted toward you, than it should have been. In this regard, his leaving is going to help you grow in a good way. Remember that if your h had died and you were eventually happy, it would mean finding out who you are without him. So now you have to do that. NOW. Plus it means you are bringing something to the table. I think most spoues who revolve their lives around their WAS's tend to lose their spoues b/c they don't bring much to the table except a mirror for the wayward spouse. You have qualities unrelated to your h. Show those. Discover them if you don't know what they are and that means exploring new things.
Read above and start getting OUT. The only times I ever "felt" like going out was when I was so tense and obsessive, that I took long walks, (aka "fury marches") with an Ipod that played whatever I needed at the time. If I needed music that was uplifting and reminded me of good times in the past WITHOUT h, or could enable me to imagine good times with another man in the future, I'd listen to that.
I had to imagine myself attractive as well, and I sure did lose weight! OR I'd listen to Marianne Williamson's "The Gift of Change" OR her book on "Handling Anger" and "Return to Love"... or Eckart Tolle's "Power of Now" to calm and reassure me of the big picture. ALso It would get me outdoors in the sun and that ALWAYS helped me feel better. It's physiological. Get outside in the sun. Seriously. Gimmicky and over simplified? No. It helps. So does a new thought pattern and that means getting little "mantras" in your head or your Ipod and lsiten to them. I spoke into my Ipod with some short readings I found and they kept me focussed and stopped me from doing the obsessive stuff. ALso Williamson's books have forgiveness exercises in them that helped me. Forgiving means letting go (h doesn' have to know about it b/c it's not about him and I think you get that). I'd be in the shower and turn my marriage or my pain and anger (and grief) over to God b/c it was too heavy for me. If it means you say it out loud (in the shower or where your kids won't hear you) 100 times a day, do it. Saying it out loud has power. You're saying it, and hearing yourself saying it AND it's a prayer and there is power in prayer. IMO.
As for getting out and doing things, I NEVER ONCE "felt" like doing them. But I never once regretted it once I got out there. Starting an acting class up again also helped me a lot as it was a safe place to channel emotions. I auditioned and got a role, and started renewing my interest in theater. All that helped.
I used the "Stop Sign" image to keep me from going down the road of catastophizing. I see you going down that road a lot. I see LBS Women doing it a lot with the whole "I'll die alone and fat and homeless..." but it's not real data! (And to me, LBS men seem to focus on their WAWs as having great sex all the time, with the OM merely touching their hands to achieve wildly satisfying sex.) It's not real data.
Re-read the whole "gratitude for being a woman today, here, with healthy children who love you". And your 180's? See, the program works IF you work the program. But you have to work it. You won't "snap out of it" without DOING something. So start now. HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE and you must teach your children that and you do that, by doing that. I sometimes used the "Fake it til you make it" approach, which also helped me. Hope this helps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
