The problem is that sometimes (especially in relationships) a criticism of the person gets mixed in with addressing the behavior.
You are the only one is this convo who thinks this. We talk consistently about boundaries being about behavior - not personal or attacking. The more destructive and harmful the behavior the more direct the boundary (you continue that behavior here is the consequence). So therefore in your logic it's not criticism.
This approach to boundaries is not bad. For me the "consequence" approach conveys a parental attitude, since that is what is given to one's children for their behavior. If I'm dealing with a child, then that is appropriate. For example, "harmful" and "destructive" when referring to another person's behavior are likely to be received (in my experience at least) as being blameful.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I don't see any of us advocating your definition of criticism - blaming or shaming.
These things can creep into the way statements are conveyed and can effect the ability of the other person to receive the message.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I make my living with my choice of words (i'm better verbal than written) so am careful that I am clear and descriptive. Your definitions of words that have more clear and recognizable meanings are confusing to me (conscious,unconscious, validating, criticism, boundaries etc). It makes your message hard to understand and absorb.
Fair enough - I appreciate the feedback. This is actually an example of what I'm talking about, since you have very clearly stated what is happening with you and have not criticized been blameful.
Since I'm more of an amateur at this, it is helpful to understand how my words are coming across. It is challenging with only the words, since the nonverbal cues are missing. So IRL this has not been a problem.
The approach I'm suggesting appears to be challenging to fit into the existing vocabulary. For example, "boundaries" and "consequences" seem to be strongly tied together as one. There is another approach to boundaries that resorts to "consequences' only when all else has failed, rather than starting with them. It also separates (conceptually at least) the observation of behavior (e.g. what a video camera might record) with the judgment about that behavior ("disrespectful," "harmful," "destructive," etc.). If there are no words to make that distinction, then it is difficult to even convey that there even is a difference.
