Why would you want to criticize at all? Criticism is ineffective in setting boundaries, since it tends to shut the other person down. And it is engaging in the very behavior we wish to have the other stop doing.
Have you ever had to lead (not manage) people? Coach or teach them? Ever had to get clients in your professional life change a behavior for their own good?
Perhaps it would surprise you if that were the case.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Criticism is just feedback, it's not personal when you address a behavior that needs to be changed. Attacking someone is ineffective.
I agree - perhaps I should have been clearer about what I mean by "criticism," which is attacking someone. The problem is that sometimes (especially in relationships) a criticism of the person gets mixed in with addressing the behavior.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I criticise people all day long - at work, coaching (boys and girls), my marriage, friends, etc. It's just feedback, here's what I see. People pay me for advise professionally. I get paid to coach. When I observe something, I either say well done (met the goal) or here's how to improve (solution). People love it when I criticise them, when they know how much I care that they do well for themselves. It's the people who take it personal that struggle. I address that when needed and sometimes I have to let it go because it's not my problem.
See, I wouldn't call that 'criticism' because you are addressing the behavior - and moreover, since you have demonstrated skill and effectiveness in facilitating positive changes, people are eager to benefit from your feedback. Since you come from a heart-centered place and do everything with their benefits in mind, it is easy to see why this is effective.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I enjoy learning so I welcome criticism and feedback. It helps me do a better job if it is valid. It's my responsibility to listen. Criticism sharpens my skills and makes me stronger, wiser, and more productive.
I feel the same way - except that I just call this evaluation or constructive feedback. When I hear criticism (i.e. words that are blaming or shaming), I recognize it's not about me but about the other person's pain. When I get triggered (as does happen, although with decreasing frequency) then I go unconscious and am unable to receive the message being given.
The clients who take your feedback personally are reacting from their own issues of course, and as long as they do so, you are probably unable to help them. It's not your problem, it's theirs, as you said.
crit·i·cism   /ˈkrɪtəˌsɪzəm/ Show Spelled [krit-uh-siz-uhm] Show IPA
–noun 1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything. 2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding. 3. the act or art of analyzing and evaluating or judging the quality of a literary or artistic work, musical performance, art exhibit, dramatic production, etc. 4. a critical comment, article, or essay; critique. 5. any of various methods of studying texts or documents for the purpose of dating or reconstructing them, evaluating their authenticity, analyzing their content or style, etc.: historical criticism; literary criticism. 6. investigation of the text, origin, etc., of literary documents, esp. Biblical ones: textual criticism.
The problem is that sometimes (especially in relationships) a criticism of the person gets mixed in with addressing the behavior.
You are the only one is this convo who thinks this. We talk consistently about boundaries being about behavior - not personal or attacking. The more destructive and harmful the behavior the more direct the boundary (you continue that behavior here is the consequence). So therefore in your logic it's not criticism. I don't see any of us advocating your definition of criticism - blaming or shaming.
I make my living with my choice of words (i'm better verbal than written) so am careful that I am clear and descriptive. Your definitions of words that have more clear and recognizable meanings are confusing to me (conscious,unconscious, validating, criticism, boundaries etc). It makes your message hard to understand and absorb.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Why would you want to criticize at all? Criticism is ineffective in setting boundaries, since it tends to shut the other person down. And it is engaging in the very behavior we wish to have the other stop doing.
Have you ever had to lead (not manage) people? Coach or teach them? Ever had to get clients in your professional life change a behavior for their own good?
Perhaps it would surprise you if that were the case.
OK, that's just needlessly cryptic and downright silly, Arnie. Why can't you just answer a simple question, without goin' all POETIC on us?
Talk about hampering good communication . . . sheesh!
Your definitions of words that have more clear and recognizable meanings are confusing to me (conscious,unconscious, validating, criticism, boundaries etc). It makes your message hard to understand and absorb.
The problem is that sometimes (especially in relationships) a criticism of the person gets mixed in with addressing the behavior.
You are the only one is this convo who thinks this. We talk consistently about boundaries being about behavior - not personal or attacking. The more destructive and harmful the behavior the more direct the boundary (you continue that behavior here is the consequence). So therefore in your logic it's not criticism.
This approach to boundaries is not bad. For me the "consequence" approach conveys a parental attitude, since that is what is given to one's children for their behavior. If I'm dealing with a child, then that is appropriate. For example, "harmful" and "destructive" when referring to another person's behavior are likely to be received (in my experience at least) as being blameful.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I don't see any of us advocating your definition of criticism - blaming or shaming.
These things can creep into the way statements are conveyed and can effect the ability of the other person to receive the message.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I make my living with my choice of words (i'm better verbal than written) so am careful that I am clear and descriptive. Your definitions of words that have more clear and recognizable meanings are confusing to me (conscious,unconscious, validating, criticism, boundaries etc). It makes your message hard to understand and absorb.
Fair enough - I appreciate the feedback. This is actually an example of what I'm talking about, since you have very clearly stated what is happening with you and have not criticized been blameful.
Since I'm more of an amateur at this, it is helpful to understand how my words are coming across. It is challenging with only the words, since the nonverbal cues are missing. So IRL this has not been a problem.
The approach I'm suggesting appears to be challenging to fit into the existing vocabulary. For example, "boundaries" and "consequences" seem to be strongly tied together as one. There is another approach to boundaries that resorts to "consequences' only when all else has failed, rather than starting with them. It also separates (conceptually at least) the observation of behavior (e.g. what a video camera might record) with the judgment about that behavior ("disrespectful," "harmful," "destructive," etc.). If there are no words to make that distinction, then it is difficult to even convey that there even is a difference.
