She was playing around on her phone facebooking/texting with a girl friend. She told me what her friend had texted her and what she had responded -- involved husbands making messes when they cooked and she kidded back how it also used to drive her crazy when I did that. Time passed, phone did the beep of her being texted again. She looked at it and started texting back. I (smiling) asked what her friend responded. She got all defensive and launched into how I was being nosy and in her business, how I wouldn't leave her alone, why couldn't I let her text with her friends in peace. Things escalated stupidly from there.
The whole phone texting thing is an issue between us because I used to give her a hard time about texting while in the car because I saw it as disrespectful when someone in the car was talking to you. I since have realized that if she wants to text, it is controlling of me to criticize her for texting. She doesn't have to be there to entertain me and be on call to converse with me. But, anyway, I guess she felt tension about me asking about the texting at all because it reminded her of the past and because I was "in her business."
We just got back from parent/teacher conferences. My D9 is doing well and our D5 is doing well too. We took D to celebrate with a visit to her old preschool, then a stop for candy, then dropped her off at dance class. Stopped and had a roll and salad at sushi place on way to dance class. W seems like in tired, down on self, low self-esteem mode. Overall positive time, though. No big tension/fights, and I gave her words of affirmation and validation.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
W burned her hand pretty bad cooking dinner last night and called me crying to come help her. I went over with some burn stuff. Some nasty second degree blisters. She had some pain meds left over from her surgery, so I suggested she take the pain meds (oxycodone), and I would stay to help get kids to bed. I was there ~3 hr, helped feed her and the girls. We watched the World Series game, talked, looked at pics from my camping trip, and I helped little ones do homework and get ready for bed.
She showed me the book she was working on with her IC (self-esteem), and I asked her how she felt it was going. Told her I was impressed with how she was working on herself and the progress she was making overall. She said she had had a hard past 2 weeks emotionally, been very depressed, and apologized for the fight on Sunday, said she was at the peak of her PMS on Sunday and she was feeling better today. I validated (we had talked some before about her feeling real down the past 2 weeks) and commented how strong she had been the day she resolved to 'be happy' and decided to get out of the apartment (when she called me to go out for sushi).
She then told me how she was wanting to get more organic stuff and cook healthy for her and the girls. I validated and encouraged, told her I thought it was a great thing that she was doing for herself and the girls. I told her I'd be game for trying some of the same stuff at my end. She went through her pantry and fridge showing me all the different things she had gotten -- at one point I was stepping away for a sec and she called me back to look at more of the veggies she had gotten (lol).
Few times during night, W asked me if I liked something about her appearance (do you like my toe nails like this -- "so sexy with those shoes", do you like that dress I'm wearing in that pic "you look gorgeous in it", etc.). When she "pulls" for the compliments like that, is it pursuit to tell her she looks good?
While hanging out, I discovered some things about her I didn't know from when we were together (that she loves to watch sports and that she had a garden when she was younger). I was real interested to discover/rediscover this stuff about her. She told me how happy she was that I did the camping program with the girls, that when she told people about it they were always real impressed and interested and said her dad wanted me to send him pics from the trip.
We made plans to do a bunch of family stuff through Halloween wknd -- costume bingo, Gymnastics Halloween party, trick or treating, pumpkin farm station, pumpkin carving and pumpkin bread/cookie baking. She invited me to go to some pumpkin carving party that a mutual friend invited the girls to go to (she has girls this wknd).
When I left, she got up and initiated (almost insisted on cause I kept walking away, lol) a big hug.
She just called me now (next morning) agitated from D5 acting up during dropoff at school. Said her hand was blistered but didnt hurt too bad, but she had headache and felt a lil out of it from pain meds. Said she was afraid her boss would slow her down getting out of work and he would make her late to costume bingo. I validated all around.
Today is 5 months of "separation." I frankly don't see reconciliation as an option on her part until she gets herself back together emotionally. Only then, I think, will she entertain idea of trust and relationship. I hope the DBing is still helping in the meantime (improving self, not pressuring her, listening/validating her to increase connection).
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Ya, torn between the "rescue" vs. "neglect" themes. I ended up going because:
1) medical/pain/physical issue (bad burns to her dominant hand)
2) she had the kids with her and it impacted her ability to care for them
3) I would do the same if a single friend called me for help
4) 180 from previous behavior in our relationship -- one time she had kidney stones and was in pain from it. We didn't know it was kidney stones at the time, and I was in the midst of my game addiction and thought she was going overboard with the pain complaints. More or less left her hanging for a few minutes while I finished something in the game. My non-responsiveness to her pain then became a huge, lasting issue.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I have been reading your posts. I am new to DB. I came here after an already long journey. I like how you handled your situation. But there is something I am really curious about from a man's point of view. You mentioned that at first you were not remorseful enough with your W, etc. How come? I am jusy tring to understand, not pry! My H had an EA which I discovered last summer and he said sorry but never tried to fix the M or R let alone felt or showed remorse or genuine regret that he hurt me.
In that time leading up until now he has not lived at home and has been adamant that he does not want me or the M (we have 2 young kids). He said the EA was over so this was not connected with that. Anyway, i did everything wrong, tried to force the R talk, pointed out how much I have changed, called, texted, etc etc. He was often angry, defensive, aloof, cold and sometimes just a downright jacka££. There were moments of softness, thats for sure. The odd time he would stay after the kids slept and have a brief chat or a drink. But he NEVER let me think he would ever change his mind. About a month ago I started to detach (before i found DB but i realise that is what I was doing by not calling just to see how he is etc), and a week ago he told me his intentions to start a full R with the OW (she has always been in the picture!). anyway, I guess i like the way you handled your story and wanted to know what you think. I think I understand the strength this journey is going to need but sometimes its just so SCARY!
I dont feel knowledgable enough to give any advice yet, certainly eveything I have done up until now has not worked. But I believe in DB and will give in to it. Nothing left to lose.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I will go take a look at your thread (did you start a new thread? Can you link me to it?).
Re: why I wasn't appropriately remorseful, it was various shortcoming of my own.
First, I "couldn't" initially really own how much I had violated our marital boundaries, my own boundaries and the hurt I had caused my W. I selfishly rationalized it all in my head because seeing it for what it was was too painful, demeaning, embarrassing, and humiliating. To see it for how awful it really was and how much *I* had hurt and betrayed her, takes yourself WAY down to admit how terrible the behavior was (I thought stuff like "it wasn't REALLY an A, I never even saw the women or spoke to them on the phone so it didn't mean anything, it was "just" online cyberchatting, it was "just" interactive porn, if I don't see it as an A, then it is not an A, etc, if my W isn't meeting my emotional needs, then is it really so bad to have some of them met through a virtual ("unreal/fantasy") setting ). My guess (below) is this may be what's going on with your WAS since it sounds like he is still engaged in A behavior.
Second, there also, I think, was an aspect of residual anger and hurt that I had at my W for ways she had treated me earlier in the marriage. Instead of talking to her about these issues, I had acted out immaturely through the EA, but the EA still didn't address the residual anger/hurt, which lingered on, and I subconsciously used that to justify my previous bad behavior.
Then, a third thing going on was that I was depressed and obsessive, largely about the state of our relationship. So I kept engaging in avoidant behaviors (like playing online computer games) instead of communicating directly about and addressing the pain and dysfunction in my R with my W.
Don't know if any of these issues are at play with your H. It sounds like from what you wrote above that he may have never fully divorced himself from the OW, so that may the simplest explanation in your sitch. The EA never really ended for him, but rather, has escalated. If it is ongoing, he won't be genuinely remorseful for it because there is too much cognitive dissonance to see the A for how terrible it is if you are still participating in it. I think it takes not only the A to end, but time from the A to pass for the betraying spouse to be able to emotionally accept what damage they've caused to their spouse, their own sense of self, and their M. It's too much of a blow to your sense of being a good person at your core to admit it while the A is ongoing or recent.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
