Why would you want to criticize at all? Criticism is ineffective in setting boundaries, since it tends to shut the other person down. And it is engaging in the very behavior we wish to have the other stop doing.
Have you ever had to lead (not manage) people? Coach or teach them? Ever had to get clients in your professional life change a behavior for their own good?
Perhaps it would surprise you if that were the case.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Criticism is just feedback, it's not personal when you address a behavior that needs to be changed. Attacking someone is ineffective.
I agree - perhaps I should have been clearer about what I mean by "criticism," which is attacking someone. The problem is that sometimes (especially in relationships) a criticism of the person gets mixed in with addressing the behavior.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I criticise people all day long - at work, coaching (boys and girls), my marriage, friends, etc. It's just feedback, here's what I see. People pay me for advise professionally. I get paid to coach. When I observe something, I either say well done (met the goal) or here's how to improve (solution). People love it when I criticise them, when they know how much I care that they do well for themselves. It's the people who take it personal that struggle. I address that when needed and sometimes I have to let it go because it's not my problem.
See, I wouldn't call that 'criticism' because you are addressing the behavior - and moreover, since you have demonstrated skill and effectiveness in facilitating positive changes, people are eager to benefit from your feedback. Since you come from a heart-centered place and do everything with their benefits in mind, it is easy to see why this is effective.
Originally Posted By: Coach
I enjoy learning so I welcome criticism and feedback. It helps me do a better job if it is valid. It's my responsibility to listen. Criticism sharpens my skills and makes me stronger, wiser, and more productive.
I feel the same way - except that I just call this evaluation or constructive feedback. When I hear criticism (i.e. words that are blaming or shaming), I recognize it's not about me but about the other person's pain. When I get triggered (as does happen, although with decreasing frequency) then I go unconscious and am unable to receive the message being given.
The clients who take your feedback personally are reacting from their own issues of course, and as long as they do so, you are probably unable to help them. It's not your problem, it's theirs, as you said.
