I know that you feel confused, hurt, scared, embarrassed, angry, frustrated and probably a million other feelings you can't even name.
It is a huge step to contemplate making. I did not take divorce lightly either. The last thing I wanted was a divorce. I did not want to hurt my ex either. I did not want people to know WHY we were seperated. I did tell his grandmother immediately. His mother had abandoned them and his father was dead so his grandparents were my only inlaws. Thank God she understood and said, "Baby, you really didn't have a husband at all!" God bless her. I loved her dearly. She and I remained close until she passed away 16 years later!
My ex and I had been married only 18 months when I left. To tell you the truth I wanted to bolt out the door way earlier than that. The self doubt that his rejection led to was so hard to take.
What was even harder to take was after I left he started sleeping around with everyone and anyone - yet he rejected me. I remember one day about 1 month after I left he was trying to explain himself to me and actually told me that to sleep with me would make me dirty like his mother and that he had masturbated EVERYDAY in the bathroom!
I can not even discribe the blow that piece of information was. He could have kept that to himself to his dying day. All I could say is why? Why when he had a wife lying right beside him that wanted to have sex with him? The feeling of inadaquicy, the hurt and sorrow, and the absolute rage at him.
I know it is hard to contemplate the disappoint you feel others will feel if you leave your marriage. My brother was very distressed when I left my ex. My ex and my brother were very close (my brother is an only son so there were no other brothers for him!) My brother had married just 2 1/2 months after we had and he and his wife STILL after 26 years of marriage are all wrapped up in each other. Anyway, one day he was grumbling about my leaving and I told him, "You sleep with him then. I'm not subjecting myself to that misery anymore."
I am not saying to broadcast your person details of the marriage. For a long time I never said anything except to my mother and my aunt and her daughters who were like older sisters to me. The world in general did not know why I had left the "catch of the town - such a nice boy, a hard worker, gave her everything, yada yada". About a year and a half after our divorce (we were on extremely friendly terms by the way. We even spent holiday's with each other's families) I was talking to one of his friend's wife who oddly enough did not like my ex at all which was unusual because most people found him just too darling for words. He said that he turned her stomach with all of his sleeping around with everything that walked and hated his nickname of "cockhound".
I know it was kind of mean of me but I cracked up laughing. I laughed until my sides hurt. She was looking at me so puzzled as to why I found that funny. I told her that he was as dead in bed in our marriage and that is why I left the great cockhound. A few months later I was at a Bar B Que at his apartment. As I said we remained very friendly with each other - not ugly screaming or hatefulness. His friend started ribbing me and him saying I missed the great cockhound in bed blah blah blah and my ex certainly hadn't told his friends why I left so they are just ribbing away.
This I did not take kindly to. I looked directly at my ex and said, "Unless you care for me to tell your friends exactly why I left you - you had best button that up. It won't be good for your cockhound image". He shut up quickly. I know that was mean but hey - I was only 21 years old!
Don't let what others might think sway your decisions. What you are going through is intensly personal and something that is not talked about very much. It is generally the man chasing the woman and the woman refusing -well that is the general view anyway but it is not your reality. Others are not there to feel how you feel when he turns his back on you and refused to make love to you.
What would your advice be to someone in your shoes? Remember if most people knew your situation they would understand. Other people are not living your life - that piece of real estate belongs only to you and to your husband. Only you know how much you can take and what kind of life you want to have.
You are still very young. No one should have their hopes and dreams shattered. I know my ex did not do these things out of a maliciousness but all the same he broke my dreams. I truly forgive him for most of all of it and hope that he found happiness. The only thing that left me still annoyed with him even after almost 25 years is that he took my dreams away from me.
I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts. I know that it must seem like it is "too much too many" at this point. My oldest son used to say that when I would ask him to clean his room, "It's too much, it's too many, I'm too little".
You have more strength than you know. Keep your chin up. Don't be ugly and spiteful to him. It serves no purpose and will only make you feel worse. But there are boundries for your own preservation of your heart and mind that you should not let be trampled on.
